Monday, May 7, 2012

Like the Chicken pox. ...

I no longer want faith the size of a mustard seed. Nope. Sometimes faith is too difficult if I am forced into inaction.  I am a do-er. Not a talker. Don't get me wrong, I can talk, and I do. Sometimes too much. But I much prefer rolling up my sleeves, digging in and getting dirty for causes that I am passionate about. I pray all the time but it never feels enough.I know this is probably wrong. That I should somehow be more comfortable sitting back and trusting that God will take care of these children, but if I am to be the hands of God in the world. .. .then let me already! Let me be the arms. . .. .please?
Right now that means I am sick and tired of praying and I just want to be hugging and holding and nurturing babies right now. That's right, babies plural. I hope that I am able to join a humanitarian trip this summer.. . I hope. I often have to fight the urge to hop on a plane. . . .convinced that one of these children is calling my name. My name.
have you seen this girl? isn't she so pretty? I want to see her with longer hair and a smile on her face!

Alina A. 

Being a parent to my current child takes precedence. Two days ago this child popped up with another rash. Another rash?? This one looked uncomfortable. It looked a bit like chicken pox. I got nervous, then shook myself as he has a history of crazy skin rashes and reactions. We had just been on vacation, and just changed laundry detergents. So, I took a deep breath and decided to just watch it. Watch it spread and spread and look even more like the chicken pox. The chicken pox? Where would he have picked up the chicken pox? AND WHY? After vacation, he has decided that he is no longer potty trained and no longer has to follow all the rules that we had already battled over. Sigh. Now chicken pox?
I resigned myself to what seemed to be inevitable, and prayed the lamest prayer to date "please not his face, dear Jesus. . ."

This morning I was greeted with a smile. A smile stuck in the middle of a pocky face. NO! Poor kiddo. (side rant.) I have been a major  pain in the butt of my Doctor, refusing any immunization that I did not understand. One of these immunizations was for chicken pox. In fact, I think I mocked the Doc. An immunization for chicken pox? Why? So that parents are never saddled with a sick child. So that school years aren't interrupted? How far will we go to make our lives hassle free?? This is ridiculous. NO I do not want to vaccinate my son for chicken pox. Um, sigh. I get it, but I am sure that I will grow and learn through this illness, once I stop blaming myself for this. . I am shutting my pie-hole now. I never refuse extra cuddle time, I prefer cuddling a healthy child, but will cuddle away nonetheless.

Back to praying: I have been fervently praying for the children listed on Reece's Rainbow. I know, perhaps some of you are now rolling your eyes. Oh well. I know I cannot please everyone, and really have never tried to. No reason to start now, right? (I am so tangential today, sorry folks, I do have a point.) So in addition to praying I have been wracking my brain for other ways that I could help. I donate and advocate but nothing feels as important as personally claiming one of more of these children for myself. It seems that is the only thing that will satisfy me. (I am SO high maintenance!)
Many of you know I have started the ball rolling to establish an Adoption Mission to benefit RR at my parish. I am putting the finishing touches on that and it is exciting. I also recently started a wee facebook group for people in my area to meet and communicate and encourage each other. AND IT IS WORKING!!! People are getting familiar on that page already. I am so in-like with the people I have met on the RR Pages. They are so inspirational, open and funny.
I have always had faith. But it has been tested and has taken a beating recently. Despite this, my faith is growing. It started small. Looking at all the children waiting for families, knowing there are millions that aren't even listed, it is hard to have hope. It is easy to get discouraged. Avoidance is common.  As more people are discovering these children and advocating, more and more children are being adopted. Love, faith and hope are spreading. .. .and I pray it is contagious. Like an epidemic and spread like the chicken pox.

And as for me? I still don't want faith like that of a mustard seed. I want my faith to be like the chicken pox. I want it painted all over my face. I want it to be out of my control. . ..I want it to take over. Completely.

1 comment:

  1. i hear you my dear, i hear you... i'm also with u on the chicken pox - let the kid have it naturally, still hugs to you & your little guy as you wait it out... i'm also a doer & am very excited that about your project... my project is also happening soon... so here's to our projects :) keep the faith my dear...