Tuesday, September 25, 2012


God speaks to me the loudest in the shower. Perhaps the acoustics are best in there? Perhaps it is because showering is all about purity, cleaning away the mess of life.  AND people are pretty vulnerable in the shower. (Psycho.) For whatever reason, THIS is where God speaks to me. (For those that picture me sitting in a dark room, blinds closed, sobbing my eyes out...I am up and about. And I am happy to announce I have showered. Count me down but NOT OUT!)

God has been speaking to me, but I have been refusing to listen. My heart has been too broken with the loss of Pasha on top of the losses of Beckett and Lazarus. To be honest, I really felt that God was pushing me a little to hard. Oh what a lovely pity party I have been having.

I was looking at it ALL WRONG. Of course, if there is a wrong way to do something or approach a situation, you can count on me to find it!

My hubby and I started the adoption process knowing there was a chance that Pasha may not be available. We ran forward anyways. Perhaps God used Pasha and his perfectly lovable smile to nudge us forward. This I cannot figure out, but the bottom line is this. When I started this process, I considered myself pregnant. .. the tears and emotional roller coaster supported this. Adoption is pregnancy.

Now, let me make this abundantly clear. I am speaking for myself. Only me. This is where I am at.

Almost a year ago I was pregnant. Oh, I had dreams of my perfect baby. .. the beauty that I could not stand. . .perfection in every way. When I was told that my baby was NOT perfect, I was devastated. Destroyed. God picked me back up and I still LOVED  my baby and with time accepted that my baby would still be perfect to me and to God. I was again eager to meet him and love him forever.

How alike are these two journeys? In my pregnancy with Pasha, I was also delivered the blow that my baby will not be the Perfect, Adorable, Tiny baby I thought. How should I respond? Allow devastation and disappointment and then tell God thank you. HE is STILL opening all the doors to give me a child that I will adore, love and find perfect in every way. ..precious and lovable. SO WHAT if that child is not the child I was expecting. . .my faulty thinking gets in the way of reveling in the possibility. The miraculous gift God is offering me. This is all SO much bigger than my pea brain can comprehend.

I resolve to stop thinking and attempting to second guess God's plan in my life. What abundant joy he is offering. I need only to accept it. God is literally blowing my mind.

God is showering me with life, support and miraculous love. Who could ask for anything more?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Call

The picture changed our lives. We were called to rush forward. To tell everyone we met that we LOVED him and were rushing to him to tell him just that. We were called to shower him with love and provide for him.

As much as I tried to keep myself from getting too attached before he was in my arms, I could not help myself. I mean, come on. .. look at him. He is precious beyond words. I could not wait to smooth his wispy hair, hear his giggle. Watch his eyes light up with joy. Learn his personality. Watch him grow. When we got our travel date, I was ecstatic!

Then, on Thursday, a miracle happened. My husband and I agreed upon a name for this sweet little boy.  You have NO idea what a monumental undertaking that was! We had our travel dates, so much excitement AND a name. Amazing.

Early Friday another call came. THE call. The dreaded call. I almost didn't answer. I thought I had braced myself for this possibility, I was wrong. In under 30 days we will not be holding Pasha. I will not get to wrap those perfect fingers around my own finger. I will not get to kiss those sweet cheeks and tell him how loved he truly is. I will not get to snuggle the boy I have been dreaming about for the past 4 months. Pasha is being adopted domestically. Poof. Like that. The dream turned to dust.

Happy news for our sweet little munchkin, he WILL have a family. He will be free from the orphanage soon enough. I pray wholeheartedly that his life be long and blissfully happy. I also pray that he felt our love while he waited. ..

Oh, every time I see this picture my heart breaks a little more. I honestly did not think I would react so strongly to news that I knew was a possibility.

My husband and I are praying fervently that God illuminates our path from here. The wind has been knocked out of our sails and we are working to establish a direction.

Please pray for Pasha and his family. May their process fly so that they can incorporate him into their family very quickly!