Anyways, I caught my boys singing whilst playing. I had to capture and share. Enjoy!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Blessings
OH I am not sure I can call myself much of a blogger these days. How do busy Mamas find the time to post several times a week?
Anyways, I caught my boys singing whilst playing. I had to capture and share. Enjoy!
Anyways, I caught my boys singing whilst playing. I had to capture and share. Enjoy!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Enough?
Insomnia returned last night. I prayed myself to sleep. I have allowed too many people into my head, it is like a circus in there at the moment but it all boils down to one thing. . .enough.
I have advocated for many families and children on Reece's Rainbow. I have started a ministry at my church to encourage families to consider adoption. My family adopted a sweet little guy from Ukraine under two months ago. . .and yet, I was awake far too long last night, with the realization that it is not enough. It will never be enough when I hear the following phrase: "He/she has been sent to the institution." S#*+. Say it isn't true.
I had a dream last night when I finally fell asleep. My husband nearly divorced me and when I mentioned the dream this morning, he shook his head and walked away from me...hinting that the divorce portion of the dream could very well be a reality.
Look at dear London. I have prayed for this sweet child. I have posted his picture numerous places and yet he waits. I received word yesterday that he has been transferred to an adult mental institution. Go back...read his diagnosis. He is mentally fine and yet has been sentenced to a life in an adult mental institution. Is it not bad enough that he has waited over 5 years to be told he is precious? That he is worthy of love? To be hugged and kissed and cherished? Look at his serious face. . .so sweet. He must have been terrified being wrenched from the orphanage, the only "home" he has ever known. To face the harsh reality of a mental institution where it is survival of the fittest. How will this little boy survive? HOW CAN THIS STILL BE HAPPENING? The reality of the mental institution is shocking. Please read Adeye's blog for more information about the harsh conditions in mental institutions.
Back to my dream. I hopped an overnight flight to London's country. I signed a piece of paper that allowed me to bring London home for a 10 day visit and I had tasked myself with finding him a family in those 10 days. I fell head over heels for this little tyke but husband was too livid with me for bringing another child home without consulting him for me to believe we could just keep him. Understandably...but what is the alternative? Allow this to happen to him? If only it was as easy as hopping a plane and signing one piece of paper. I would, in a heartbeat.
Adoption is hard, I wont lie, but the alternative is torture for children. They are literally condemned to suffer for the selfishness of our society, for the sins of the world. What an unfair burden London bears on his tiny shoulders.
I understand that I cannot personally adopt them all and yet I cannot stomach the realities these sweet children endure. I fervently pray that God protects and sustains London. I pray that more and more families step forward to rescue these sweet babies before they experience the horror of the institution.
I have advocated for many families and children on Reece's Rainbow. I have started a ministry at my church to encourage families to consider adoption. My family adopted a sweet little guy from Ukraine under two months ago. . .and yet, I was awake far too long last night, with the realization that it is not enough. It will never be enough when I hear the following phrase: "He/she has been sent to the institution." S#*+. Say it isn't true.
London 9HA
DOB October 2007
HIV resulting in other bacterial infections
Intracranial laceration and haemorrhage due to birth injury
Birthmother had Viral HCV
Stenosis and insufficiency of lacrimal passages
Iron Deficiency (get this boy some beef and spinach!)
Additional (adorable) photos available
For more info and parent support on adopting and raising a child with HIV, please visit http://www.
I had a dream last night when I finally fell asleep. My husband nearly divorced me and when I mentioned the dream this morning, he shook his head and walked away from me...hinting that the divorce portion of the dream could very well be a reality.
Look at dear London. I have prayed for this sweet child. I have posted his picture numerous places and yet he waits. I received word yesterday that he has been transferred to an adult mental institution. Go back...read his diagnosis. He is mentally fine and yet has been sentenced to a life in an adult mental institution. Is it not bad enough that he has waited over 5 years to be told he is precious? That he is worthy of love? To be hugged and kissed and cherished? Look at his serious face. . .so sweet. He must have been terrified being wrenched from the orphanage, the only "home" he has ever known. To face the harsh reality of a mental institution where it is survival of the fittest. How will this little boy survive? HOW CAN THIS STILL BE HAPPENING? The reality of the mental institution is shocking. Please read Adeye's blog for more information about the harsh conditions in mental institutions.
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| Look at the size of people in these cribs! So inhumane. It is likely they are not allowed out of these cribs for days at a time. |
Back to my dream. I hopped an overnight flight to London's country. I signed a piece of paper that allowed me to bring London home for a 10 day visit and I had tasked myself with finding him a family in those 10 days. I fell head over heels for this little tyke but husband was too livid with me for bringing another child home without consulting him for me to believe we could just keep him. Understandably...but what is the alternative? Allow this to happen to him? If only it was as easy as hopping a plane and signing one piece of paper. I would, in a heartbeat.
Adoption is hard, I wont lie, but the alternative is torture for children. They are literally condemned to suffer for the selfishness of our society, for the sins of the world. What an unfair burden London bears on his tiny shoulders.
.jpg) |
| I hope he has his Teddy with him! |
I understand that I cannot personally adopt them all and yet I cannot stomach the realities these sweet children endure. I fervently pray that God protects and sustains London. I pray that more and more families step forward to rescue these sweet babies before they experience the horror of the institution.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Now and Then
It has been made very clear to me that I should not attempt to get out of bed before 9. Ten is the optimal wake up time for this Mama. I know for certain that anything before 8 is ill advised. How do my kids not understand this? It is best for ALL involved that I not be made to open my eyes before 8. Work with me here, boys!I realize this is another change in my ever evolving life. I was never an early riser and would choose to stay in bed until morning was nearly over, though I could get up and get to work by 8 or earlier on a regular basis.
That was then....this is now.
I find mornings to be torture. Perhaps if Opie didn't turn my insides into his own personal water bed every night, mornings would feel less apocalyptic? Perhaps if I went to bed wearing make up? I would be greeted with a less grotesque image first thing in the morning. . .surely THIS colors my day?
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| Surely this sight alone would convince my kiddos to sleep in a little. ..right? |
Oh, I fondly remember getting to the office with my plastic smile pasted on my face, mumbling "good morning" to my coworkers until I collapsed in my cubicle. My first order of business already done. The day was already a success. I was fully clothed, my hair done AND make up on my face. I was able to sit there in silence, facing the cold hard truth that I was no longer in my warm, comfy bed as my computer slowly came to life. But at least I looked presentable. . .and I had a brisk walk with friends to look forward to....with a nice hot cup of coffee at my destination. Oh, that coffee never failed to put a smile on my face. The day was so much more palatable after that coffee. Sigh.
Now? Coffee is out. None for my Lil Opie....Instead of being able to stumble around in pretty zombie land....slowly facing the day, I am greeted with two loud and demanding terrors. . ."peeeeesat Mama!" "Breakfast!" I try to plaster that fake smile on my face but at 7 am.. . it just doesn't stick. Perhaps if I had some make up on my mug. . .it would?
I look around my kingdom....hmmmm job security? I used to attack housework with gusto. I had a list that I followed religiously. I had a method and it worked. Everything was sparkling and clean. Last night, instead of sweeping the entire kitchen/dining area, I simply swept under the boy's chairs and I called it good. I walked by my awesome chore list this morning. . .. I looked right at it and chuckled. So not happening.
Perhaps if my brain and body did not go on a 12 month hiatus while pregnant life would feel more doable before 10 am? How much will I be allowed to blame on my burgeoning belly? Well, it is nearing 10 and I should attempt to tackle the mountain of laundry that is sitting next to me. . .or I could move it off the couch and ignore it. Decisions, decisions.
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| The inner Becki....lucky hubby, eh? |
Every now and then I look back and compare then and now. I should not. There is just no comparison. My life is so full and so messy; my appearance reflects this. Regardless, I am blessed.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Standing Still
I am at a stand still. In so many ways. It seems that despite my best intentions things do not get done; progress is not made, I am spinning my wheels and at a standstill.
Evan and Eli seem to be settling in to a routine and a friendship, but every time I try to plan an outing for them. . .the NAUGHTIES spoil the plan. . .I didn't even tell them I was planning a fun outing this morning. Instead, I spent my morning putting Evan and Eli in time out. Over and Over and Over again. Even though Eli knows the rules, if Evan breaks a rule and lands in time out, Eli likes to follow suit. Is this brotherhood? They are presenting a united front already. It is hard to see any progress when we are covering the same ground repeatedly.
The stand still is not limited to the boys, it is wide spread. . .I spent FAR too much time last night and this morning debating whether or not I was going to start making instant cereal packets at home. Yup. Riveting use of my time...I went to the grocery store with the boys today. . .but I backed down and bought Quaker. Sigh.
Even the littlest change or attempt at progress...well it leaves me at a standstill, which is understandably frustrating and then I see this:
AND. I. MELT.
I need to find comfort and peace even when things are not changing or moving as quickly as I want. I need to enjoy the now and treasure the moments (even the irritating ones) with Eli and Evan. What a gift they are to me even if we are at a standstill.
I think of all the lovely families working to bring their beloved children home from Russia. Putin's evil adoption ban has them spinning their wheels as well. Understandably they do not want to leave their children in Russia. They too are at a stand still, through no fault of their own, likely trying to find peace and acceptance.
I will offer up my frustration and stand still, in solidarity with all the families hoping and praying they will get to bring their babies home.
Evan and Eli seem to be settling in to a routine and a friendship, but every time I try to plan an outing for them. . .the NAUGHTIES spoil the plan. . .I didn't even tell them I was planning a fun outing this morning. Instead, I spent my morning putting Evan and Eli in time out. Over and Over and Over again. Even though Eli knows the rules, if Evan breaks a rule and lands in time out, Eli likes to follow suit. Is this brotherhood? They are presenting a united front already. It is hard to see any progress when we are covering the same ground repeatedly.
The stand still is not limited to the boys, it is wide spread. . .I spent FAR too much time last night and this morning debating whether or not I was going to start making instant cereal packets at home. Yup. Riveting use of my time...I went to the grocery store with the boys today. . .but I backed down and bought Quaker. Sigh.
Even the littlest change or attempt at progress...well it leaves me at a standstill, which is understandably frustrating and then I see this:
AND. I. MELT.
I need to find comfort and peace even when things are not changing or moving as quickly as I want. I need to enjoy the now and treasure the moments (even the irritating ones) with Eli and Evan. What a gift they are to me even if we are at a standstill.
I think of all the lovely families working to bring their beloved children home from Russia. Putin's evil adoption ban has them spinning their wheels as well. Understandably they do not want to leave their children in Russia. They too are at a stand still, through no fault of their own, likely trying to find peace and acceptance.
I will offer up my frustration and stand still, in solidarity with all the families hoping and praying they will get to bring their babies home.
Friday, January 4, 2013
A new perspective
A year ago today we were told that the sweet baby in my womb was no longer living. He was still with me and yet...not.
A year ago today I was blowing my nose unceasingly, wondering if life would ever return to normal.
The answer is no.
Today I am again on the couch, blowing my nose unceasingly (due to a cold this time) and I can say with a smile that life never returned to normal. Every time I think of Beckett and the loss of my child, time again reverts to slow-mo. The ache is still there, not as sharp, not as pervasive but still there. I am still plagued with "why me?" NO ONE in my family has experienced this, not that I want them to, ever. ...but really. Why me? Why my son? I no longer express this question with sorrow or burning anger, but it still plagues me.
In a sick and perhaps twisted way, I am thankful that it WAS me. This single devastating event in my life pulled my life off the scenic road and put me on an expressway...on an adventure that has indeed insured that my life will NEVER be the same. It is better, far richer than I could have imagined. Less than a year later, we welcome Evan into our family and began preparing for another baby. What a turnaround!
I think that our society respects tragedy and loss to the extent that rising above it and making something good come out of it is no longer common. People instead seem to linger with their grief and spend years searching out the answer to "why me?" The desire for sympathy and comfort from others can be overwhelming. With that approach, so many miss the opportunity to grow from loss. To change direction, to see a bigger picture. Instead, with loss, their world shrinks. This is a double tragedy.
Grief is important and necessary. Loss is a part of life, sadly. It does not have to make or break you, unless you really want it to. Do not get me wrong, I did not pick myself up right away and get on with life. I mourned my loss for a while. Heck, I am still mourning the loss of Lazarus and that was 4 years ago. . .these things need to be worked through and that takes time, but keep your eyes open whilst working through it, great things are happening all around you.
Had I not opened my mind and heart, little Evan would not be here today. I would have missed out on hundreds of miracles. . .children finding homes and their happy homecoming stories. I feel that the loss of Beckett led me to Reece's Rainbow and to Evan. To amazing families that are adopting beautiful children from across the world. To friends that have changed my life and my perspective forever.
Loss sucks. Grieving is no fun. Sometimes life is hard, but it can also be so very beautiful. If you need to watch a few miracles unfold, please follow the journeys that these families are on. I promise you will be inspired.
http://reecesrainbow.org/category/sponsorafamily/newcommitments
A year ago today I was blowing my nose unceasingly, wondering if life would ever return to normal.
The answer is no.
In a sick and perhaps twisted way, I am thankful that it WAS me. This single devastating event in my life pulled my life off the scenic road and put me on an expressway...on an adventure that has indeed insured that my life will NEVER be the same. It is better, far richer than I could have imagined. Less than a year later, we welcome Evan into our family and began preparing for another baby. What a turnaround!
I think that our society respects tragedy and loss to the extent that rising above it and making something good come out of it is no longer common. People instead seem to linger with their grief and spend years searching out the answer to "why me?" The desire for sympathy and comfort from others can be overwhelming. With that approach, so many miss the opportunity to grow from loss. To change direction, to see a bigger picture. Instead, with loss, their world shrinks. This is a double tragedy.
Grief is important and necessary. Loss is a part of life, sadly. It does not have to make or break you, unless you really want it to. Do not get me wrong, I did not pick myself up right away and get on with life. I mourned my loss for a while. Heck, I am still mourning the loss of Lazarus and that was 4 years ago. . .these things need to be worked through and that takes time, but keep your eyes open whilst working through it, great things are happening all around you.
Had I not opened my mind and heart, little Evan would not be here today. I would have missed out on hundreds of miracles. . .children finding homes and their happy homecoming stories. I feel that the loss of Beckett led me to Reece's Rainbow and to Evan. To amazing families that are adopting beautiful children from across the world. To friends that have changed my life and my perspective forever.
Loss sucks. Grieving is no fun. Sometimes life is hard, but it can also be so very beautiful. If you need to watch a few miracles unfold, please follow the journeys that these families are on. I promise you will be inspired.
http://reecesrainbow.org/category/sponsorafamily/newcommitments
Already Home – 2012
The newest “colors” of Reece's Rainbow
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Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2012: A Review
Oh, I had planned to write this yesterday, but sadly my cold and my body took over and so, this is being written today.
I started 2012 pregnant and amazingly enough I am ending 2012 pregnant. Not many people can say that. Between pregnancies we were blessed with great tragedy and bountiful love. I discovered the plight of special needs orphans and we welcomed one of these wonderful children into our lives and home. A year of incredible trials, great highs and devastating lows. It is amazing how God surely can turn tears into dancing.
I have gained some wonderful new friends this year, friends who have blessed my life in ways I never could have imagined. Thank you for that 2012. The end of a year makes one look back and forward simultaneously. I find myself wanting to honor the struggles and successes of the past year whilst eager for the new year to begin. Bring on the clean slate!
The second pregnancy of 2012 has knocked me on my butt. Oh the nausea, the fatigue, the vomiting, the headaches. Did I mention the exhaustion? On Christmas Eve, Eli came down with a cold. This always means that Mama will soon come down with the same cold. Unbeknownst to me, this would usher in the end of an era. (If 6 years can be considered an era. . .)
Though I count myself a tomboy I am not a fan of sharing every bodily function with those around me. I believe that some things should be private. I am not a priss and often cannot help but giggle when Eli or Evan surprise with an especially loud emission; Hubby is not greeted with the same response. If he dares an audible, he is rewarded with a scowl. Through the 6 years I have known my hubby, I have strictly followed this adage. . .keep it private. Not all bodily functions are meant to be shared, no good comes of it. I am a bit more lenient with burps. . .especially during pregnancy.
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Colds. Sneezing, sneezing sneezing. I have been known to enjoy a good sneeze. A hearty sneeze can be quite satisfying...if you are not pregnant. A sneeze whilst pregnant is a whole different ball game. During pregnancy, the smallest sneeze, can change my day, if I have not emptied my bladder in the past 10 seconds. If said 10 seconds have passed and a sneeze creeps up on me...this. means. trouble. I tense myself and pray for the best. This is not limited to sneezes, my body tenses with worry when I must blow my nose, laugh too hard, if someone looks at me funny. .. pregnancy is an adventure.
Yesterday, we were lounging on the couch...lamenting our snotty selves. Hubby on one couch and Eli on the other end of my couch. Evan was playing on the rug. The tell tale tickle of a sneeze presented and I knew there was no time to make a run for the bathroom. I would need to hunker down and hope for the best. . .I tensed and sneezed, a thunderous, satisfying sneeze. SUCCESS! Phew! Bladder in tact, however, another emission escaped. I heard it. Surely no one else heard it. . .the sneeze was surely too loud. Surely. And then. . .Eli started laughing. Hard. Followed by Papa. And then Evan. Really? I had to stop Eli's merriment to make sure. "Eli what is so funny?" "Mama farted.. ." More laughing. After 6 years. . .Mama had an audible.
Though out of the woods, I retreated to the bathroom anyways, face burning.
May the embarrassments, disappointments and trials of 2012 vanish like a toot in the wind. I am ready for 2013!
I started 2012 pregnant and amazingly enough I am ending 2012 pregnant. Not many people can say that. Between pregnancies we were blessed with great tragedy and bountiful love. I discovered the plight of special needs orphans and we welcomed one of these wonderful children into our lives and home. A year of incredible trials, great highs and devastating lows. It is amazing how God surely can turn tears into dancing.
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| Our Ukrainian pride and joy. |
The second pregnancy of 2012 has knocked me on my butt. Oh the nausea, the fatigue, the vomiting, the headaches. Did I mention the exhaustion? On Christmas Eve, Eli came down with a cold. This always means that Mama will soon come down with the same cold. Unbeknownst to me, this would usher in the end of an era. (If 6 years can be considered an era. . .)
Though I count myself a tomboy I am not a fan of sharing every bodily function with those around me. I believe that some things should be private. I am not a priss and often cannot help but giggle when Eli or Evan surprise with an especially loud emission; Hubby is not greeted with the same response. If he dares an audible, he is rewarded with a scowl. Through the 6 years I have known my hubby, I have strictly followed this adage. . .keep it private. Not all bodily functions are meant to be shared, no good comes of it. I am a bit more lenient with burps. . .especially during pregnancy.
Colds. Sneezing, sneezing sneezing. I have been known to enjoy a good sneeze. A hearty sneeze can be quite satisfying...if you are not pregnant. A sneeze whilst pregnant is a whole different ball game. During pregnancy, the smallest sneeze, can change my day, if I have not emptied my bladder in the past 10 seconds. If said 10 seconds have passed and a sneeze creeps up on me...this. means. trouble. I tense myself and pray for the best. This is not limited to sneezes, my body tenses with worry when I must blow my nose, laugh too hard, if someone looks at me funny. .. pregnancy is an adventure.
Yesterday, we were lounging on the couch...lamenting our snotty selves. Hubby on one couch and Eli on the other end of my couch. Evan was playing on the rug. The tell tale tickle of a sneeze presented and I knew there was no time to make a run for the bathroom. I would need to hunker down and hope for the best. . .I tensed and sneezed, a thunderous, satisfying sneeze. SUCCESS! Phew! Bladder in tact, however, another emission escaped. I heard it. Surely no one else heard it. . .the sneeze was surely too loud. Surely. And then. . .Eli started laughing. Hard. Followed by Papa. And then Evan. Really? I had to stop Eli's merriment to make sure. "Eli what is so funny?" "Mama farted.. ." More laughing. After 6 years. . .Mama had an audible.
Though out of the woods, I retreated to the bathroom anyways, face burning.
May the embarrassments, disappointments and trials of 2012 vanish like a toot in the wind. I am ready for 2013!
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