Sunday, March 22, 2015

Grace and Waterproof Mascara

Dear Diary,

Mama is about to unload. I am hoping it makes sense.

Oh, the changes and blessing that God has brought with our move, it boggles my mind the ways that my life has changed and improved. I have been given some amazing friends that are on a similar path to mine. Being present with them on their journey has been eye opening, it has made me more mindful of my own journey. This is a blessing and a curse. Self awareness can be humiliating and painful. I prefer to face the embarrassment then to bury my I get what I get.

******I feel rushed to get this all out as I should be frosting cupcakes and preparing my house for the party that should be happening here in a few short hours. So, again, bear with me as I attempt to spat this all out and make poetry out of my gibberish. *****

These friends of mine are so incredible that it makes me wonder WHY they are my friends. Without thinking, I fear I have been eager to show them all the ways that I suck and the multitude of reasons why they would be crazy to be my friends at all (((mixed in with my inherent awesomeness, of course.))) And yet, they stay. ((perhaps because despite all of my crappiness, I love them immensely and I can be quite entertaining at times.))

I am humbled and grateful and nervous about that. Clearly I have some attachment issues. Yes.

Captain Obvious, struck like a lightening bolt of clarity today showing me that people near and dear to me are exhibiting similar behaviors. Aha moment. I sadly do not always react well to behaviors I am guilty of myself. Sigh.

This morning I went to church with this Aha moment marinating in my head and a list of people to offer my Mass up for.

As anyone with children knows, Mass with kids is a circus. I had the good sense to sit front and center this morning so the whole congregation could enjoy our three ring circus today. And a circus it was. well circus with a healthy dose of WWF style toddler wrestling.

Anywho...the snippets of Mass that I caught were few and far between and honestly fell on my deaf ears.

 And then someone from the choir began to sing this:

And I wept.


Mhhm...because all our WWF Circus needed today was a weeping Becki. I thank God for waterproof mascara.

I bring my ugly and unworthy self to God every day. And HE still love me. ME. ME? He who sees ALL of my fails. All of my wounds. All of my weakness. All of my ugly. Despite all the ways I distract myself from talking to HIM. Despite the fact that sometimes all I have to offer is crap.

How can we even begin to comprehend that? As my boys came back from Sunday School to find their Mama weeping, aha moment number 2 whacked me upside the head. As I hugged the boys that strive to drive me stark raving mad every single day, as I hug the boys that trust me despite all of my parenting fails, as I let myself feel all the motherly love that I have for them, I started to grasp just a teeny bit just how LUCKY I am. To be seen. To be on this journey to the ONE who loves my in such a way that I cannot even fathom it.

Your grace is enough.

Well, YOUR grace and waterproof mascara.

The end. (Kind of. I will work towards that being then end, after I spend a lifetime trying to understand this and simply let go of everything else.)

I openly thank all that are putting up with me on this journey. I love you all more than I can say.

This Lent is really quite amazing.