Saturday, January 11, 2014


My dear friends, I am going to lay something out for you, something you may really dislike me for. I am sorry if you do not want to read this, I do not want to type it, but it has been on my mind constantly for the past 9 months. It is always there. ALWAYS.

Perhaps it is unhealthy, I wont deny that, but what I KNOW is this: once you have seen, you cannot un-see. Once you have heard, you cannot un-hear. Once you know. . .it stays with you forever. You can try to ignore it, move on from it, bury it .. but it will always come back to you, because YOU KNOW. You can try to distract yourself with the hunky Juan Pablo, the quest for more, more, more.. . but once you know.. ..YOU KNOW.

As many of you know, my little miracle Owen burst into our lives 2 months early and tiny as can be. At 32 weeks gestation, he was a 3 lb little wonder. What you may not know is that Evan was born at 30 weeks gestation. I cannot recall how much he weighed at birth and since I cannot read Russian, I have not been able to decipher the information from his paperwork. He must have been teenie. He also, was a tiny fighter.

Owen had parents that loved him immensely, eagerly waiting for the chance to hold him and comfort him. Cheer on his achievements and cherish his presence. Evan sadly did not.

Evan likely spent his days alone in his incubator. His cries unheard. No one to snuggle him or give him the physical contact his tiny body was desperate for. No breastmilk to nourish and comfort his tiny, fighting body.  His achievements and gains went uncelebrated. No one cried happy tears when he was finally strong enough to leave the hospital.
Someone kiss that sad little face!

When he was strong enough to leave the hospital he did not get carefully strapped into a car seat by a mama too nervous to drive over 30 miles per hour despite her desire to get him home and start some serious snuggling. He did not receive the comfort of breast milk, a snuggle or a kiss on the cheek before he was  moved from one lonely existence to another.

From the hospital bed he was placed into another bed, to spend his days fighting to grow and thrive. Eager for any touch, any eye contact that he was given; even if it was an angry look, a rough touch, he craved human interaction. Odds are it was fleeting at best and yet; against the odds he fought on and grew.
at 3 years old, he was wearing 18 months size clothing

For 3 years he held on and fought, finding some joy in his reality, his precious heart still hopeful and protected until we arrived. Indifference is the best these kids can hope for. Neglect, abuse, starvation and the most heinous of mistreatment are sadly common. And yet, they fight on.

But there are more. It is these children, these precious fighting babies that haunt me. Their arms and legs in the air. Their babbles and smiles completely ignored. Their cries of hunger, cries of loneliness that fall on deaf ears until they stop crying and babbling altogether.  It is their eager faces that continue to haunt me.. . so eager to be chosen. To be wanted. The hope so evident and heartbreaking on their little faces.
Babies NEED love and affection to thrive

I hear these cries when I reach to comfort Evan, Opie and Eli. My heart breaks for the many,  many children that suffer indifference.
Never ever should children be treated like this. 

I am so far from a perfect person and an even sorrier excuse for a Mom. I admit I probably have more failures than successes as a Momma, and yet, Evan is growing and healing. He continues to thrive and he just oozes love and affection.

These children don't need amazing parents or families. I assure you again, we are not perfect. They simply need someone to cuddle them. To coo back. To fill their bellies and change their diapers. They need someone to return their trusting smiles. They need to matter because they DO MATTER.
Sweet Zoey passed away last week. She was 8 years old and weighed 10 lbs. Her family was working hard to save her but they were too late. 

Please hear their cries with me and ACT! If you honestly cannot find room at your table, in your heart, in your family, please do not simply ignore them...bury them. I beg of you to count yourself capable. Count yourself worthy. YOU CAN HELP! Share. Pray. Hear them! If you do not....what hope is there?
Some of these children are home, but MANY more wait....