Bystander: a person who is present at an event or incident but does not take part.
Bystander has a bit of a negative connotation in my mind; for I am a person of action. A do-er. A fixer. A solver. An empath. When people I love hurt, I hurt. If I can "fix" a situation or "solve" a problem then by golly, I will. Every moment can be a teachable moment....
"if you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it..."
I am sorry.
How pompous of me. I must be a real treat to live with.
As chaos of my days has reached fever pitch, I have been an unwitting bystander to the madness in my house. I am unsure if the noise and chaos comes with the territory of having 4 boys in my house, or if it is the reality of a former type-b personality attempting and failing to organize and keep on top of things. *shrug*
Life is piling up all around me. The issues others are facing are so much easier to solve than the crap in my own life. (HA) I am barely treading water in my own life.
I try to escape, desperate for a moment in which I am not required to solve anything, mediate, fix and soothe. I often chastise myself, believing the last thing my boys need is a bystander.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday, a particularly icy morning 2 of my boys and I happened upon a car in the ditch. A young high schooler was in the car. As I watched numerous cars slow down and pass her, I decided to stop. The groans from my precious son made me chuckle. Yup, here I was inserting myself into another situation in hopes of "fixing it." GI Becki to the rescue.
Poor girl was shaking but reported being unhurt and she was waiting for her dad. After speaking with her I asked if she was alright with me backing up my super cool minivan, and waiting with her for her father to arrive.
I had 2 kiddos in my car that morning and we sat and waited. That is all I did...well aside from debating mentally if I should invite her into our sweet ride, offer her food, or something else. Her father showed up and was able to get the car out no trouble and the girl went on her way home. He came over and profusely thanked me and I was a bit embarrassed and obviously I handled it in my usual awkward manner. I had simply sat there, unable to really help. I was just a bystander.
The previous night, my precious Pierogie had a rough night. He has been really struggling as of late and honestly it has gotten old. I find such impatience in my heart for the outbursts and constant struggle. In this moment he was really not regulating or processing and I was at my wits end. I have spent months/years trying to help him. To solve his struggles. To fix it for him and everyone else. In that moment I gave up. I couldn't fix it for him. I couldn't solve this problem. It is too big. I cannot explain away such a deep wound. I couldn't regulate his behavior for him. Why wouldn't he listen to me? Why cant he just do what I suggest? I can help! I can, but it wasn't working.
I sat on the floor defeated. Absolutely helpless.
I offered to let him sit on my lap.
He did. And as I held him he raged. And he sobbed. And he screamed. It was ugly. The words coming out of his mouth shattered my heart and there was absolutely nothing I could do but sit there with him. Grieving.
I rocked him and did my best to soothe.
Acknowledging that no words can even begin to soothe the pain that he rightfully feels.
After a very long time, he dried his eyes and looked at me. Really looked at me. (Honestly, this is miraculous in itself.)
We were able to talk a little after that. I kept my words to a minimum. The second miracle.
As luck had it, he was in the car with me the next morning as we sat together and waited again.
And it struck me...
For all of my good intentions and exemplary problem solving skills in other people's lives (yes this is sarcasm)....perhaps the greatest act of love I can offer is simply standing by....or sitting in my case.
Not trying to fix anything but letting someone know they are loved even in their pain may be more powerful than having the right words or resources. Simply shut up and show up. (Many of my amazing friends already know this and do this. I aspire to be more like you!) My heart breaks for all the ways my "helping and fixing" may have hurt my dear child.
Most everyone knows I rarely have the right words.
The correct punctuation or grammar.
The appropriate facial expressions.
The correct reactions.
It is all part of my charm. It really is.
What I can do is nothing compared to what God can do. (Duh)
I am learning. And trying.
I see you.
I hear you.
I am here standing by. Awkwardly, but here.
