I'm in a funk. I'm stressed....and in a tough season. On top of that, I'm too old to be battling skin breakouts but here I am....busting out the Clearasil.
I was asked to write about adoption....and it was to be posted on a site that people actually read. I agreed with little thought to it.
And then I tried to organize my thoughts.
And lost that battle. Awesomely.
And now I am sitting here stressing instead of sleeping because people might actually read my insufficient mutterings. People will judge my lack of punctuation. My incomplete sentences and lack of....um....everything. I shouldn't have agreed. I certainly shouldn't have pressed the send button when I did. Why did I think I could pull this off? Will my words actually turn someone away from adopting? Gah....I need to lamaze breathe my way back down to earth.
Deep breath in.......and exhale.
And honestly isnt that adoption and parenthood in a nutshell?
Some of us (raising my hand) sort of happen into parenthood having NO idea what it really entails and just how epically you might suck at it. What if someone sees just how much you suck at it? I was such an amazing parent before I had my first child. And then reality soundly smacked me upside the head.
And because I am dense, when adoption came up I thought "Adoption?!?! Hell yes! Sign me right up!"
((While we're at it, let's get pregnant WHILE adopting....because.....well let's just do all the things at once. ))
And then reality walloped me again. The rush of hoping and praying and doing...of waiting and preparing is done and you have your precious child......and it's not all sunshine and rainbows. It's hard. It's confusing and relentless. It's messy and stinky. It's thankless. Mistakes are made. Life choices are questioned frequently. It feels like no one understands.
My parenting is ALOT like my writing: Incoherent. Scatty. Disorganized. Gobbledygook. In the midst of all that, I have some unexpected moments of sheer genius and I cling to those fleeting moments.
All adoption is born of loss. My adoption journey began after I miscarried my child. My son has suffered ever so much loss in his young life.
That loss cannot be separated from the conversation or journey. It is part of our daily walk. Living with loss, walking with that loss and accepting it for what it is has been a life altering experience.
Yes, there is loss but that's not all that adoption is. Adoption is a journey, a redemptive, transformative journey.
Adoption is choosing daily to walk alongside someone; knowing they may cling to you until you feel like you are going to break under their grip. Despite the fact that they might reject your very presence beside them on this journey, or they might vacillate in their reactions to your presence so quickly your head spins.
Adoption is working to accept beyond understanding. Beyond what's comfortable and continuing the journey knowing you will stumble and fall endlessly.
Adoption is choosing to get up each and every time. Not because you're good at it. Not because it is easy (though it will surprise you sometimes with moments of effortless amazingness.) NOT BECAUSE WE ARE ANGELS or SPECIAL. Not because we are gluttons for punishment. Not because we are "do-gooders."
Because children belong in families. Period.
Messy, noisy imperfectly wonderful families.
God has blessed our yes immensely. Through adoption, God has shown HIS redemptive love over and over again.
Today on our drive to school the subject of miracles came up when my oldest asked why miracles only happened in the Bible. I was eager to point out miracles that had been recorded as well as blessings I found miraculous in my own life. The amazing ways my fervent prayers had been answered. The boys then started pointing out some other events that they had noticed and we spent our morning acknowledging and recognizing the miraculous in our lives.
After I dropped them off I cried all the way home. I get so lost in my failures, the weight of responsibility, the isolation of parenthood and blasted self judgement that I forget that it is not all on my shoulders. That God loves these boys so much more than I can even imagine. That He will and has covered my imperfect efforts with His perfect love. He answers prayers.
God has used parenthood and adoption to save me from myself more times than I can count.
Adoption IS doable, necessary and amazing. If God can use our family...certainly He can use yours. Say yes and watch the miraculous happen in your own hearts and homes. 