My Love Letter

Oh Lazarus, my child, born of my heart. The son I labored through 7 years for. . . only to fail to make you mine.

Lazarus, you are well on your way to becoming a man. A wonderfully strong, God-trusting, humorous man. I am delighted to know you, my dear. When I met you, you were 7 years old and so packed with mischievous energy, I swear it added a bounce to your step. You were quite possibly the cutest little boy I had ever seen, which is really an incredible statement since you were in an orphanage with over 100 of the dearest, loveliest children I have ever encountered. . .but you. You grabbed my heart and did not let go.

The way you shuffled your feet as you meander on your way, never in a hurry to get anywhere. The way your high pitched cackle could be heard across the yard (and always meant trouble.) The way you always sat next to me at Church, propping your head up on your hand and your elbow resting on my knee. So proprietary. It was as if you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. My heart was yours. I had never loved anything the way that I loved you. But I was a single woman. An American. A selfish, single american. .. head over heels in love with a 7 year old boy that lived across the world from the place I called home.

I left after my "tour of duty" but could not shake my love of you. So after 6 months of prayer and discernment, I returned to Kenya to ask Fr Dag if I could adopt you. I was so terrified and so full of hope. . .when he said "of course!" I literally cried happy tears. I could watch you grow. I could love you for my entire life. . .and provide everything I possibly could. .. I could be a parent to you. I was elated.

I had no idea where this path would take us. I knew that we were family. Whatever that took, we were family. My heart was yours, 100%. No idea that we would be on an emotional roller coaster for so many years. No idea. Please let me apologize for any heartache you endured as a result. I never wanted to bring you anything but love and happiness.

We all know how it ended, Lazarus. That dream ended, though my love for you has not waivered one bit. I still love you like my own child. I still dream of hugging you everyday, of hearing your laughter pierce the room. The spirit and presence and amazing wisdom that you bring into every situation. Though I no longer get to hug you, see you, hear you, you continue to amaze and inspire me. I am so very proud of you. In so many ways. If I could be there to see you cross over into manhood, please know I would be there. . .. the proudest mama. . .it breaks my heart that you are there and I am here, but God does know what HE is doing and we must have faith in HIM.

I want you to know, my dear boy that whenever God allows it, you have a home and a family here with me. With us. I love you to the moon and back, no distance, no time will ever change that! If you choose to remain where you are, I will STILL love you as my own. Nothing will ever change that! As you take this massive step into manhood, you have my full support, my prayers and my love. I am sure if you stay true to who you are and what you believe, you will be an incredible man, that will change the world.

I love you my dear son!


SIDE NOTE:
 I had the good fortune of hosting Lazarus in my house 2 years ago. It was so enlightening and entertaining. I will share some memories so that you all can see just how awesome he really is. 

Laz LOVES om-eggs, when he requests an om-egg, it sounds like he is asking for an om-leg, which really is an omlet. He would eat an om-egg every day if we let him.

 He informed me that he eats v-e-r-y slowly when he enjoys the food that he is eating, except when he is eating oatmeal at an insanely slow pace. He assures me his speed is not because he is enjoying himself.  


He absolutely hates cheese. He cannot stress this fact enough. He hates it, unless it is on a pizza, on a hamburger, in a calzone or on pasta. Then he finds it quite enjoyable, and takes his time enjoying it (see above.)
  
 Salt. Lazarus loves salt. He would probably attempt to put it on his oatmeal if I let him. However, he believes that when he eats too much salt he can dream the future.  He has numerous examples to support this belief.  Gavin has tried to get him to predict who will win the NBA finals. . . .no joy. 

  
 He also believes that with or without salt, he can effectively communicate with dogs. He often tells me exactly what Wicket (our dog) is trying to say when we cannot get him to stop barking. Wicket and Lazarus have become great friends, it seems that speaking the same language helps....

 Now, when I read through this, it sounds like all Lazarus talks about it food. .. this is not the case, but food is an important topic of conversation every day. Lazarus informed us that when he grows up he wants to be a chef in a hotel. I think that is a fantastic goal!!  

Lazarus loves his brother Eli as well. He asked me the other day if he could bring Eli back to Nyumbani with him. I offered him Gavin as a consolation. haha. Lazarus didnt take me up on it. 

 
We had a whirlwind trip for sure, and when I asked Lazarus what the highlight of his stay was he gave the question due consideration and replied "watching my brother Eli get baptized." He is the greatest!! See why I love him so?