Health Care?

This is on 3 hours of sleep. That is my warning to you all. It might not be worth the effort of typing right now.

Sleep is not easy to come by since I stumbled across Reece's Rainbow.  Some would call me obsessed. I care far too much. .. .in other's opinions. I attempted to distract myself by putting some of my Kenyan experiences in print. . ..but I think God has other plans for my time right now. I am not to be distracted. I am to continue talking about these precious children. The precious lives that are so forgotten. Perhaps if I saw multitudes of people advocating and adopting and donating, sleep would come easier.

Perhaps if I saw these children growing and sporting loads of baby fat, with something other than a blank and forlorn look in their eyes  I would be able to sleep. Perhaps if I could start the adoption process myself . . .. . 

Since those things are not yet happening, I will continue working on this end in hopes that something that I say rings true. For anyone. .. . but really I hope for MANY!

I have so many directions this post is about to go in. .. .all at once. Again- 3 hours of sleep.

So, I lost a child. Many women miscarry. In fact doctors say one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a huge number that I was not aware of. .. no one that I knew had suffered a miscarriage, that I knew of. .. until I was granted entry into this secret world. No one talks about miscarriage. .. .why? It is SO difficult and processing is so tedious, I don't know how I would have gotten through it if I hadn't talked about it. Why do women hide this information?

I fear that many women weren't blessed with the choices that I had. I fear that many women aren't given choices at all. Here are some bare bones facts about my situation. I KNOW that this may not be the norm, but I would love to be a voice in another woman's head if (GOD FORBID) she ever finds herself in a similar situation and wants something other than what the doctor is offering.

First of all, I submitted myself to an early pregnancy ultrasound that was designed to find any abnormalities in my baby that would suggest a chromosomal abnormality. Why did I do this? Really I don't have a sound reason aside from the fact that I was humoring my husband. He believes that being informed is ALWAYS best. I was sure my baby was just fine so I went to this appointment alone. After nearly an hour of watching my sweet baby kick his legs and wave his hands and be super adorable I was delivered crushing news.

Something was wrong with my baby. The doctor appeared so wonderfully compassionate as he handed me tissue after tissue. I was in disbelief. There is NO way to prepare for such a blow. In his compassion, he informed me that based on the Nuchal Translucency, my baby had a 30% chance of being born "typical." My chance of miscarriage went up 40% and he was pretty sure my baby would not live much longer at all. He brought up abortion at least 3 times. As I was sobbing my eyes out and trying to process this shocking and heartbreaking information.. . .alone. I informed him that if he brought up abortion ONE MORE TIME, I would simply walk out. I was pregnant with a lovely baby and I was going to have that lovely baby. Not once did he mention Down Syndrome support groups. He did not mention that Down Syndrome children can and do live very full and rich lives. NOT ONCE. When I did mention that my child still had the chance to be just fine, he slowly shook his head. He was basically pronouncing my baby dead, right then and there.

Now, I am blessed with a HUGE distrust of the medical field in general so when I got home and recovered just a little bit I got online and I got ANGRY.  Masked by what I thought to be compassion was pity and judgement. No child or parent should be burdened with such a child. ..

After doing a little online research I found that this particular test had HORRIBLE stats of inaccuracy. These were markers, not proof positive indicators of a problem... . my husband dove right into researching Down Syndrome and he was at peace with the possibility. I was not there yet, I was convinced that the Doc had no clue and was pushing his agenda on me. My baby was fine.

One week later I returned to my regular OB/GYN for my monthly appt and I told her I would NOT discuss the test. I was keeping this baby. She smiled and faltered but did go on in detail about the lovely DS babies she had delivered and how wonderful they were doing. YAY.

But. .. . we could not find a heartbeat. Baby was so still on the ultrasound. Just a week ago I saw a beautiful, super active baby doing the Cha Cha. .. .and now nothing. My Doc got upset, visibly and kept looking in earnest for any sign of life at all. There was none. MORE SHOCK.

The Doc expressed her sorrow and excused herself from the room. When she returned she informed me with a robotic delivery that she had schedule my D&C for Friday. This was two days away. My husband nodded through his tears and that was that. But the acronym ping-ponged around in my head for a minute and I stopped the Doc. "Um, wait a minute. This procedure. Will my baby be whole? Will I be able to see him/her?"

She looked at me sadly and simply said no. She had scheduled me for an abortion. WHAT THE?

I told her that surely there was another way. I would not, could not, will NOT accept that. She again faltered. Uh. .. ..

"Really? No other option. I can't believe that." I advocated further and she told me I could just let nature take its course, but this could take weeks or months and if my body did not cooperate, we were back to the D&C.

Again I responded with "Really?" The idea of  carrying baby around for months felt heartbreaking. "Surely there is another option."
AND THERE WAS. Man, getting information was like pulling teeth. C'mon people...I am in shock here, grieving...throw me a bone?

My dear hubby was raised to believe that Doctor knows best. Period. He was fully supportive of me but didn't even realize that the Doctor could be less than forthcoming.

So, the Doctor said she could prescribe something for me that would induce labor and then I would miscarry at home. She informed us that she would be on call all weekend if we needed anything. She wished us luck and that was that.

I cannot imagine how much more difficult miscarriage is if you don't see your baby. If there is nothing to bury. It must be like your pregnancy was a dream. .. .how does it feel real? I still am shocked, looking back, how difficult it was to get the information to make the right choice for us. Just because Beckett's soul was gone doesn't mean I was any less responsible for caring for his precious body.

I think Health Care at this point is a bit of an oxymoron. It is becoming increasingly clear that the medical profession is less concerned with the well being of their patients and more with ease and profitability. OUCH.

So, actually, I think I may end this post here.

It is safe to say that my heart was broken with this loss. A loss I never imagined I would endure. But God has broken it WIDE OPEN and I find that my capacity to love has more than tripled. So many people shut down after a loss, afraid to love again. The complete opposite has happened in my case. I do not fear pain or loss. Good can come out of anything. . .. but you have to let it happen. You have to be open to it and you have to be willing to grow and learn.

Life is so rich and amazing, but you cannot fully experience life without fully experiencing loss. Embrace it, there is so much to be gained!