Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Time-Space Continuum

I should be ready to pop about now.

But I am not. Life goes on. I never forget Beckett. He is present for me every day but I do not wallow. I do feel blessed for the time that he was here with me. .. and I feel blessed that he is in heaven, advocating for us (hopefully...) Part of me wonders if he is embarrassed by me sometimes. . .when he sees me at my most awkward or clumsy. When he sees so clearly how imperfect his Mama is. Most everyday I am at peace with the  fact that my sweet baby boy is not physically here with me. (I know this is hard to believe because I don't blog about it.) But really I am fine. Able to function and take care of business. Able to enjoy my time with Eli. Fine! Totally fine until the radio plays this: (I know most of you have heard this song, but really take a minute to wallow with me. okay so I am wallowing a little bit but just right now. and whenever this blasted song is on... the words are perfect.)

Even Eli calls it the Beckett song. . .and I cannot help but bawl. The words are perfect. "I just wanted to hold you in my arms." Doesn't seem to much to ask. . .right?

I was talking to a friend yesterday when it dawned on me that my estimated due date is literally days away. It is such a strange realization and makes me a bit introspective and melancholy. I have faith that everything does happen for a reason and had it not been for dear Beckett, I may have not stumbled upon Reece's Rainbow and if I had, I may not have been so moved by it. I would like to think that I would, but honestly, I had never really spent much thought on life with a special child until Beckett. I think that is really the way life and God operates. Sometimes it takes an earthquake to change our perspective. To rattle us out of our comfort zone. .. to really make us sit up and take notice. 
I have made some amazing friends in the past couple of months. I have watched miracles unfold, literally before my eyes and I am humbled to be  spectator! I honestly feel very blessed and when I think about it, I am ready to pop. .. bursting with excitement and hope! I cannot stand how excited I am at the prospect of meeting Pasha and bringing him home. We are getting closer!

In the meantime, I cannot STAND that Porter has been lost. It does not have to be that way! Please spread his sweet picture and horrifying situation to anyone that will listen and then to those that will not. Something has to give for this sweet boy! In honor of Beckett's due date? Please find Porter's parents! 


  1. <3 You have a special saint in heaven for sure. What a special brother for Eli and Pasha.

  2. O mama. I have no words to tell you how I miss my babies. Especially the last one. And I never really got so much to bury. You are blessed to be able to love Pasha too. :)

    All I feel is too much for words...


  3. Bless your sweet and humble heart... Tears for your pain and Loss... Hugs mama!!! God knows!