Monday, July 9, 2012

Adrift with Yoda

I always prided myself on my stability. I was strong. ..rooted. Not to be moved. I could handle bumps and bruises and move on unfazed. I had my faith and it held me together, helped me to stand straight and firm. I rarely wavered. I had pride to spare. So confident in myself and my capabilities. 

Perhaps it is my low center of gravity assisted. . I don't know. I also don't know where that steadfast stability has gone. That blatant and pompous confidence. But it does appear to have fled the scene. Vanished completely. Perhaps I have only lost the illusion of strength and fortitude. It seems that the smallest bump can send me careening. Instead of standing strong, I am treading water in the middle of a tsunami. I feel washed this way and that. . .completely unmoored... . adrift. It feels so un-Becki.
Astrid Chesney – Illustrator » The Sea

Oh the questions that plague me. Was I truly that strong? Was my strength my downfall? What the heck has changed? Was that confidence an illusion? My last adoption was FAR more difficult. I was on my own. .. I have support now. And yet. . .

Is that the difference? I had no one to count on before but God. .. I literally took a beating last time. But I did get up. I AM fine. Am I deluded in thinking that I was steady before? Was I blinded by my own ego. . .by the idea that I was strong and capable and self contained?

I am confounded by this. In my head I hear a wise voice.. "The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is. "

On the flip side, I am finding joy in my honesty. I am no longer afraid to share this journey with people. All of it. I do not feel the need to paint a happy or strong face where there is not one honestly there. I do not believe tears to be a sign of weakness. If people deem me to be weak, lost. . .that is their judgement and I am not concerned with their judgement. There is only one Judge that I am concerned with.
I am not sure what the lesson is. I am sure, completely sure that there are valuable lessons being learned on this journey. So many changes have already taken over me.. . I was chatting with a friend today and he told me that I was always so nice. I was completely floored. For the most part my friends describe me a sarcastic pain in the ass. . .nice? Not really used so much.. Changes are afoot and I do think good things will come of them! " You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive." 
I have been asking a lot of my friends and family on this journey. I know this. I am grateful for the patience, support and love that I am getting in return. I truly am. Can I ask for more?

I believe that I will only find stability standing again is if I return to my knees. Own my shortcomings, fears, angers and my humanity. Offer them all up, honestly.  Please feel free to join me on this journey. Not to watch but to participate, to pray, follow and support. . .it is really going to be amazing! Join me?


(TOTAL DISCLAIMER: I really have NO idea where the idea to use Yoda came from. . .but it was fun. Can I thank my husband's geek side? My ex-boyfriend's love of all things Star Wars? Honestly, on a good day I can differentiate between Star Wars and Star Trek. . .any other day, I could not care less. Sorry, that is also the truth. . .)

3 comments:

  1. Love it Becki. For what it's worth, I think you're nice...not a pain in the ass...yet. :)

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  2. I am just breathing a sigh of relief that you're not a Star Wars fan...

    You can do this! You ARE strong! But sometimes the Lord brings us down in order to build us up!

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  3. LOL... OK Totally have to steal this picture...
    The happy Hartman Farm needs this picture...
    LOL!!!!!

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