Tuesday, September 25, 2012


God speaks to me the loudest in the shower. Perhaps the acoustics are best in there? Perhaps it is because showering is all about purity, cleaning away the mess of life.  AND people are pretty vulnerable in the shower. (Psycho.) For whatever reason, THIS is where God speaks to me. (For those that picture me sitting in a dark room, blinds closed, sobbing my eyes out...I am up and about. And I am happy to announce I have showered. Count me down but NOT OUT!)

God has been speaking to me, but I have been refusing to listen. My heart has been too broken with the loss of Pasha on top of the losses of Beckett and Lazarus. To be honest, I really felt that God was pushing me a little to hard. Oh what a lovely pity party I have been having.

I was looking at it ALL WRONG. Of course, if there is a wrong way to do something or approach a situation, you can count on me to find it!

My hubby and I started the adoption process knowing there was a chance that Pasha may not be available. We ran forward anyways. Perhaps God used Pasha and his perfectly lovable smile to nudge us forward. This I cannot figure out, but the bottom line is this. When I started this process, I considered myself pregnant. .. the tears and emotional roller coaster supported this. Adoption is pregnancy.

Now, let me make this abundantly clear. I am speaking for myself. Only me. This is where I am at.

Almost a year ago I was pregnant. Oh, I had dreams of my perfect baby. .. the beauty that I could not stand. . .perfection in every way. When I was told that my baby was NOT perfect, I was devastated. Destroyed. God picked me back up and I still LOVED  my baby and with time accepted that my baby would still be perfect to me and to God. I was again eager to meet him and love him forever.

How alike are these two journeys? In my pregnancy with Pasha, I was also delivered the blow that my baby will not be the Perfect, Adorable, Tiny baby I thought. How should I respond? Allow devastation and disappointment and then tell God thank you. HE is STILL opening all the doors to give me a child that I will adore, love and find perfect in every way. ..precious and lovable. SO WHAT if that child is not the child I was expecting. . .my faulty thinking gets in the way of reveling in the possibility. The miraculous gift God is offering me. This is all SO much bigger than my pea brain can comprehend.

I resolve to stop thinking and attempting to second guess God's plan in my life. What abundant joy he is offering. I need only to accept it. God is literally blowing my mind.

God is showering me with life, support and miraculous love. Who could ask for anything more?


  1. Oh Becki, I'm totally crying. Thanks a lot! ;) What a testimony. You are such a rock star. I am so thankful to be witnessing this miracle unfold!

  2. I think there is something about the shower....that's where I hear God speak the loudest as well! :) Beautifully written. God is doing something. You have a front seat on this rollercoaster. Yes, the front seat is the scariest, but you also have the best view! Love you!!!

  3. I admire your honesty, faith and resolve to move forward in your blessed, yet confusing path, of life. I wish you strength, happiness and peace.

  4. This is beautiful, Becki. I have faith that this experience will give you the strength to keep walking down that path He has paved for you!

  5. That's the spirit my dear! i'm so glad to see that you are up and about & down but not out! Such wonderful faith in action... i pray that God will show you the amazing plan He has for you... & for peace & courage to move forwards with Him by your side...

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