Thursday, March 15, 2012

This Journey

Two posts in one day. This can and will be blamed on caffiene. I wonder how I would function at all without this beloved drug.

2011 ended with apprehension and worry. 2012 began with a slap. Well, maybe more like a nasty uppercut. It didnt knock me out but it landed me on my butt in more ways than one.




January 7th 2012.
Tears. Flowers. Dirt. A gaping hole in the ground and in my heart. The tiniest coffin I have ever seen. My two year old trying to take it all in and make sense of it all. Something his parents were struggling with themselves.
This is the closest I will ever come to having a picture of my 2 boys together. After discovering something was wrong with my baby in my first trimester, my sweet baby boy returned to heaven at a precious 14 weeks old. I was heartbroken.

A week after we buried precious Beckett we learned that he had tested positive for Trisomy 21. Prior to the miscarriage, Gavin and I had started coming to terms with the knowledge that our baby would have special needs and all that came along with that. We grieved for the hopes and dreams we had for this child, accepted reality and started dreaming and planning again. And then it was over. Just. Like. That.

Hmmm. It sounds all so civilzed and mature. It was not. I fretted and cried and yelled at God and worried and worried. And worried. And cried some more. It is horrible to know that your baby needs help and even though you are carrying that precious life, there is nothing that can be done. Aside from giving it to God. Which I did but it did not take away the pain. The helplessness. Agony.

I count myself lucky in so many ways. I was able to see and hold my tiny, tiny, perfect precious boy. I was able to name him and bury him. Even now that moment moves me to tears. He was PERFECT! I could count his fingers and his toes. God is amazing. It really brought home to me what a miracle life is. How fragile as well.  There was peace in that moment. I had an angel in heaven.

An angel in heaven. Angel. Mine. A success of sorts. I believe it to be the goal of a parent to do everything they can to see that their child makes it to heaven. There are NO guarantees. As painful as the loss of Beckett was, I couldn't escape the joy that he was in heaven. AND THEN I got jealous. Not a rational jealous. OH NO. That wouldn't be my style. A loco-jealous. Who was getting to meet and get to know him before me?? Who got to hear his laughter? Who got to see him smile?? What did he look like?? How does it feel to hold him?? WHY DO THEY GET TO KNOW BEFORE ME????? What is fair about that?? I prayed that he would be given the welcome that he deserves, met with generations of family, kisses, hugs, laughter. . . .with the choirs of angels singing. . . .you get the picture. But MAN I was JEALOUS! Still am a bit.

I cannot wait for my reunion with Beckett. He has truly changed my life.

There is no going back after such a great loss.
I became curious about children with Down Syndrome. What had I missed out on. .. . trying to fill in the gaps of what my life may have been like. NOT HEALTHY, I am sure, but I was driven to research anyways.
AND THEN, I read Adeye's blog about the plight of children with special need and Down Syndrome  in Eastern Europe. I was moved to my core. Rattled. Shocked. Horrified. Angry.
http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/

This is the face of desperation--of abandonment, neglect and poverty! The pictures were too too much.


In a word: HOOKED.

Reece's Rainbow is an  angelic organization advocating adoption for special needs children in 25 countries. The children and their stories really touched my heart. I HAVE to take action. I cannot unlearn this information. I cannot un-see these images. Everytime I cuddle my son I cannot help but think of all the children in need of love, cuddles and families.

I cannot turn my back. I REFUSE! Beckett would have been loved as no other. I am all in.


((((I stole these pictures from Adeye's blog))))

No comments:

Post a Comment