Patience may be a virtue, but I find patience to be impossible right now.

Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs on our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know and holds us responsible to act" Proverbs 24:12

I have always believed that life prepares you for life. Wow, pretty ambiguous statement! What I mean by that is this: I believe that my experiences volunteering in Calcutta prepared me for my volunteer experience in Kenya. I believe that my inability to adopt Lazarus prepared me for my recent miscarriage. Loosely of course, as nothing can prepare someone for the loss of a child. However, since I already knew what it was like to lose the idea of Lazarus as my son.. . I had already tasted and survived a similar loss. I am now starting to wonder if that loss of Beckett was to open my heart and mind to children with special needs.

Oh, the plight of the children in Pleven are weighing so heavily on my heart and mind. I did not sleep much at all last night thinking. .. . and I cannot complain because my life is SO blessed. A 14 year old weighing just 14 pounds. How is that happening. Why has no one stopped this atrocity? Is God quietly telling me to step up? Is that why I cannot sleep?

I read a blog the other day regarding the process of discerning adoption and the author reports that she spoke to her husband about her desire to adopt and then she didn't mention it again for a month. A MONTH!!??!! She wanted God to speak to her husband and for him to come to the decision on his own. HOW?

I just am not sure that I am that great of a person. I cannot stop talking about it. It is so very important to me and so present in my heart and mind . . ..I cannot seem to keep my mouth shut.

Despite the fact that I cannot stop BLABBERING on and on and on, I fear that my darling husband has not heard a thing I have said. Lovely, traumatized, fragile Malcolm is headed to an institution in a matter of days. How do I keep quiet? That kind of trust is really difficult for me, especially when time is of the essence and is vital to Malcolm's well being.

I really was not wired to sit placidly by with the faith that things will work themselves out. I have always been one to jump in head first. .. . .

I would love any words of wisdom. Really.