Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Many happy returns

Here I am. . .back again. Man, it was not long ago that I looked forward to popping open this laptop and spewing my wonderful diatribes on here every single day. Now it seems that I will be lucky to sit down to blog once a week.. . and then I struggle for anything witty to say.

Sorry to all my readers, all I can say is that there are some amusing posts in here. . .. feel free to revisit them as often as needed and pray for that I return to that style of blogging. I have come down with a serious case of the un-funnies. this is also happening in my real life. Jokes are falling flat. I have resorted to cringe worthy puns.. . . .I am THAT person. Sigh. Please have mercy on me and stick around for a bit. I am sure I will bounce back. (But I keep saying that about my body too. After two pregnancies. ..surely I will bounce back to my old shape. Right? Maybe I need another year for this to happen. . .. )

Pursuing this adoption at warp speed seems to be warping other areas of my life in the process. Let me explain: this process has somehow placed a magnifying glass on my behavior, my shortcomings and all that I lack. This is my own doing. I don't remember doing this with Lazarus or when I was pregnant. Perhaps I was too busy revisiting my meals in the close confines of a bathroom stall when I was pregnant to have any time or energy for self reflection. I was far too young and full of myself when I was adopting Lazarus to even consider that I may not be the PERFECT parent for him. Oh. .. sometimes it is embarrassing to look back.

I cannot stop staring, he is just too cute for words!

I am currently UBER aware of all the things I am not. It is not a fun place to be but perhaps it will lead me to somewhere much more grounded and real. This is my hope. (In the meantime it makes me feel incapable of so much more. . .host a BBQ? I am not sure. Will it be any good? Will people have fun? Make dinner? Wow, I am really not sure I am the right person for that job right now either. Do my hair? Um. .. how?) Ugh. ..seriously. 

question mark
On top of all the self flagellation and self doubt, in reality the end of this adoption is one big question mark. You see, our child is not set aside waiting eagerly for us to scoop him up. He does not know we are coming for him. There is no hold on him, thus he is adoptable to anyone. I believe that this is as it should be. If a wonderful family gets there before us, he will be available to them. This means that he will have a family as soon as possible. But let me tell you, if this does happen, that family best be the MOST AWESOME family ever to grace the planet. .. or they will have to answer to me. There, I said it. As much as I am eager to hold that chubby squirmy love bug in my arms, I would hate for him to wait one minute longer than he has to for a loving family of his own. I will march forward, trusting that if he is meant to be ours then he will. This is all in God's hands. Sounds right. . .but it is not so easy. I sit up far too late at night wondering what the end of this journey will be. Will he? Won't he? Will we? If not, then what? Who? How? It is ridiculous. So many questions that have no answers...I am thankful for the prayers that rock me to sleep every night. I would be willing to go through this process over and over if it meant that I had even the slightest chance to rock him in my arms.

In this way, adoption is not so different from pregnancy. I am attached to the baby that will be mine at the end of this journey. Come what may I am 100% in love with that child. Already.

My Husband is on quite a journey of his own. He is slowly becoming more and more open. Open to more children. Open to a child with DS. Open to admitting his confusion about what he really wants out of life. He is starting to realize that he might not want the things that he once did. I think God and Beckett are really working on his heart these days and it is simply amazing to see. My heart goes out to him as this journey is not an easy one. Second guessing is natural and growing pains are evident. His heart is so big and it is wonderful to see it opening more and more every day. Stay tuned for more on this!

SOOOOO, this brings me to Dmitry. I am praying that there are more people that God and Beckett are working on at the same time. . ..there are far too many amazing kids that are simply waiting for hearts to be opened to them. Waiting is not easy for anyone. . .

Dmitry H. 25C

Boy, born November 2004
Eyes: Gray
Hair: blond
Diagnosis: Down syndrome
Character: quiet, affectionate boy, easily comes into contact with adults and children. Interested in classes, complete instructions after the joint action.  Considered higher functioning and doing well!

Look at this sweet face. Really look. He has such a kind intelligence in his eyes, like he understands that he is not wanted but he is making the best out of it, afraid to be hopeful. The file says that he is high functioning, interested in classes. What a sad reality for this sweet boy. I am positive he would LOVE to play softball in the yard with his sibling(s). He would be eager to help with the laundry, mostly to snuggle the soft warm towels right out of the dryer. God has a plan for all of us, including Dmitry and I am sure it is not for him to be lost and forgotten in a mental institution. His Mama needs to take heart, steel herself against the fear and go get him! He is such a blessing!!

1 comment:

  1. The fact that you want him so very much & you are going at warp speed to get him - that makes you the best, not perfect (no one is except our Father in Heaven) but the best one for him... keep going at warp speed...i'm cheering for you & your family...