My Love Letter

Oh Lazarus, my child, born of my heart. The son I labored through 7 years for. . . only to fail to make you mine.

Lazarus, you are well on your way to becoming a man. A wonderfully strong, God-trusting, humorous man. I am delighted to know you, my dear. When I met you, you were 7 years old and so packed with mischievous energy, I swear it added a bounce to your step. You were quite possibly the cutest little boy I had ever seen, which is really an incredible statement since you were in an orphanage with over 100 of the dearest, loveliest children I have ever encountered. . .but you. You grabbed my heart and did not let go.

The way you shuffled your feet as you meander on your way, never in a hurry to get anywhere. The way your high pitched cackle could be heard across the yard (and always meant trouble.) The way you always sat next to me at Church, propping your head up on your hand and your elbow resting on my knee. So proprietary. It was as if you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. My heart was yours. I had never loved anything the way that I loved you. But I was a single woman. An American. A selfish, single american. .. head over heels in love with a 7 year old boy that lived across the world from the place I called home.

I left after my "tour of duty" but could not shake my love of you. So after 6 months of prayer and discernment, I returned to Kenya to ask Fr Dag if I could adopt you. I was so terrified and so full of hope. . .when he said "of course!" I literally cried happy tears. I could watch you grow. I could love you for my entire life. . .and provide everything I possibly could. .. I could be a parent to you. I was elated.

I had no idea where this path would take us. I knew that we were family. Whatever that took, we were family. My heart was yours, 100%. No idea that we would be on an emotional roller coaster for so many years. No idea. Please let me apologize for any heartache you endured as a result. I never wanted to bring you anything but love and happiness.

We all know how it ended, Lazarus. That dream ended, though my love for you has not waivered one bit. I still love you like my own child. I still dream of hugging you everyday, of hearing your laughter pierce the room. The spirit and presence and amazing wisdom that you bring into every situation. Though I no longer get to hug you, see you, hear you, you continue to amaze and inspire me. I am so very proud of you. In so many ways. If I could be there to see you cross over into manhood, please know I would be there. . .. the proudest mama. . .it breaks my heart that you are there and I am here, but God does know what HE is doing and we must have faith in HIM.

I want you to know, my dear boy that whenever God allows it, you have a home and a family here with me. With us. I love you to the moon and back, no distance, no time will ever change that! If you choose to remain where you are, I will STILL love you as my own. Nothing will ever change that! As you take this massive step into manhood, you have my full support, my prayers and my love. I am sure if you stay true to who you are and what you believe, you will be an incredible man, that will change the world.

I love you my dear son!


SIDE NOTE:
 I had the good fortune of hosting Lazarus in my house 2 years ago. It was so enlightening and entertaining. I will share some memories so that you all can see just how awesome he really is. 

Laz LOVES om-eggs, when he requests an om-egg, it sounds like he is asking for an om-leg, which really is an omlet. He would eat an om-egg every day if we let him.

 He informed me that he eats v-e-r-y slowly when he enjoys the food that he is eating, except when he is eating oatmeal at an insanely slow pace. He assures me his speed is not because he is enjoying himself.  


He absolutely hates cheese. He cannot stress this fact enough. He hates it, unless it is on a pizza, on a hamburger, in a calzone or on pasta. Then he finds it quite enjoyable, and takes his time enjoying it (see above.)
  
 Salt. Lazarus loves salt. He would probably attempt to put it on his oatmeal if I let him. However, he believes that when he eats too much salt he can dream the future.  He has numerous examples to support this belief.  Gavin has tried to get him to predict who will win the NBA finals. . . .no joy. 

  
 He also believes that with or without salt, he can effectively communicate with dogs. He often tells me exactly what Wicket (our dog) is trying to say when we cannot get him to stop barking. Wicket and Lazarus have become great friends, it seems that speaking the same language helps....

 Now, when I read through this, it sounds like all Lazarus talks about it food. .. this is not the case, but food is an important topic of conversation every day. Lazarus informed us that when he grows up he wants to be a chef in a hotel. I think that is a fantastic goal!!  

Lazarus loves his brother Eli as well. He asked me the other day if he could bring Eli back to Nyumbani with him. I offered him Gavin as a consolation. haha. Lazarus didnt take me up on it. 

 
We had a whirlwind trip for sure, and when I asked Lazarus what the highlight of his stay was he gave the question due consideration and replied "watching my brother Eli get baptized." He is the greatest!! See why I love him so?

The ABCs of this Orphan Crisis

A: ADOPT! ACT! ADVOCATE!  I seriously cannot say this enough, everyone should be shouting out for this kids. Fundraising, donating, advocating. All children should be protected, ESPECIALLY those that cannot but lie in their cribs, accepting their harsh, cruel situation.

B: Believe that change is possible. Bring this issue to the feet of Jesus. Bring your gifts to this cause. YOU could be the missing link that solves the problem. Blog about it. Be brave; brave enough to step out on a limb for a child. This is a battle. A battle for life, for hope. It is a battle that CAN be won.

C: Cheer on all the families working in earnest for these precious souls. Claim a child as your own. Commit yourself to this problem for the long haul. Church: take the plight of these children to your church communities. Prayer can and will move mountains. TRY IT!


Something has to give for the REAL ABCs of this issue:

A:        

Alexander 





Alexandra

B:  Brett



Beau

C:

 

Claudia







Cole

If there was ever something worth fighting for, this would be it! What else are you spending your time on that is worth as much as one of these children. Yup, the cold hard truth about these ABCs. ... get off your butt and get involved! 

Our daily soundtrack

Beyond the incessant barks of our over protective pooch, laughter, tears, burps, squeals and chatter are a few songs that can be heard several times a day, every day here in our Little house.

Somehow, when I had Eli the vast library of music in my head was wiped clean leaving only a few, albeit awesome tunes to share.

Everything fits into the A-Team theme song. And I mean EVERYTHING. Try it, it works! I use it when Eli wears his Superman tshirt. Yup-Superman to the A-team. .. .and Eli loves it. Suuuuppperman. Duh duh duh. ... I need  to find the music on You-tube.  Just a sec.

I use this with Eli's nickname: Mr. Poop. .. and it works too. It literally works for everything.
Man, if only the A-Team could step in to help us rescue some babies!!! That would be WAY better than winning Mega Millions! I hope Murdock would let me sit up front in the Helicopter!!

So, I just played this video for dear Eli and he started dancing immediately. I said, "is this Mama's song Eli?" "NO! This is Eli's song." More dancing. All is possible with this A-team.

I fear that revealing every song in our soundtrack will somehow reveal just how strange Eli's home life is.. .hahah. Poor kiddo!

But last night, and the night before that. .. and the night before that, he asked me to sing his new favorite song. I used to sing the Hail Mary to him every night. So I started to sing that and he said no. He wanted the Bumble Bee song. Sounds cute right??

Take a listen to his new favorite song:

What must this poor kiddo dream about after that?

I LOVE BEING A MAMA!

still advocating

So, I am still struggling to find the words to spur people into action. I told myself that I would simply focus on my presentation to the Priest on April 18th, but I just cannot leave well enough alone.

There are a couple of things I feel I need to address. First of all, I still cannot get my head around the type of person that can ignore the plight of these children!
         

Sasha

Boy, Born October 27, 2008

  

If I cannot fathom the person that can close thier heart to these children, then it is just from OUTER SPACE that someone has the cajones to insult those that are willing to bring these children into their homes. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???? It is just unreal.

There are so many excuses that keep people from committing to the plight of orphans. . .. and I am sorry but they are all SO LAME.

Seriously.

The comment that there will always be orphans. . . .that the situation will never change. Well, people that say that and do NOTHING ensure that the situation will never change. Those people are just as responsible for the plight of these kiddos. Choosing to ignore them is making them unloved all over again.

Yes, there will likely always be orphans. . .and there will always be dishes to wash and floors to scrub. Does this mean that I can simply stop washing the dishes? Throw up my hands in defeat because no matter what I do, there will always be more dishes to wash? Of course not. This excuse is nuts.

There are families stepping forward to adopt. .. numerous times. A small number of families adopting again and again . .. . doing all they can to improve the lives of these lovely children. They are HEROS. And yet they are doing what we ALL should be doing. As christians. .. as members of the human race, we should take care of these precious lives.

I find the stories of these EXTRAORDINARY yet ordinary families to be so uplifting. I want to do all I can to see these efforts to fruition. We all should want to participate in this miracle of adoption.

I urge you, no I beg you to read and join in!  Be part of the solution! I hope that my family has the good fortune of being on this list soon!

Health Care?

This is on 3 hours of sleep. That is my warning to you all. It might not be worth the effort of typing right now.

Sleep is not easy to come by since I stumbled across Reece's Rainbow.  Some would call me obsessed. I care far too much. .. .in other's opinions. I attempted to distract myself by putting some of my Kenyan experiences in print. . ..but I think God has other plans for my time right now. I am not to be distracted. I am to continue talking about these precious children. The precious lives that are so forgotten. Perhaps if I saw multitudes of people advocating and adopting and donating, sleep would come easier.

Perhaps if I saw these children growing and sporting loads of baby fat, with something other than a blank and forlorn look in their eyes  I would be able to sleep. Perhaps if I could start the adoption process myself . . .. . 

Since those things are not yet happening, I will continue working on this end in hopes that something that I say rings true. For anyone. .. . but really I hope for MANY!

I have so many directions this post is about to go in. .. .all at once. Again- 3 hours of sleep.

So, I lost a child. Many women miscarry. In fact doctors say one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a huge number that I was not aware of. .. no one that I knew had suffered a miscarriage, that I knew of. .. until I was granted entry into this secret world. No one talks about miscarriage. .. .why? It is SO difficult and processing is so tedious, I don't know how I would have gotten through it if I hadn't talked about it. Why do women hide this information?

I fear that many women weren't blessed with the choices that I had. I fear that many women aren't given choices at all. Here are some bare bones facts about my situation. I KNOW that this may not be the norm, but I would love to be a voice in another woman's head if (GOD FORBID) she ever finds herself in a similar situation and wants something other than what the doctor is offering.

First of all, I submitted myself to an early pregnancy ultrasound that was designed to find any abnormalities in my baby that would suggest a chromosomal abnormality. Why did I do this? Really I don't have a sound reason aside from the fact that I was humoring my husband. He believes that being informed is ALWAYS best. I was sure my baby was just fine so I went to this appointment alone. After nearly an hour of watching my sweet baby kick his legs and wave his hands and be super adorable I was delivered crushing news.

Something was wrong with my baby. The doctor appeared so wonderfully compassionate as he handed me tissue after tissue. I was in disbelief. There is NO way to prepare for such a blow. In his compassion, he informed me that based on the Nuchal Translucency, my baby had a 30% chance of being born "typical." My chance of miscarriage went up 40% and he was pretty sure my baby would not live much longer at all. He brought up abortion at least 3 times. As I was sobbing my eyes out and trying to process this shocking and heartbreaking information.. . .alone. I informed him that if he brought up abortion ONE MORE TIME, I would simply walk out. I was pregnant with a lovely baby and I was going to have that lovely baby. Not once did he mention Down Syndrome support groups. He did not mention that Down Syndrome children can and do live very full and rich lives. NOT ONCE. When I did mention that my child still had the chance to be just fine, he slowly shook his head. He was basically pronouncing my baby dead, right then and there.

Now, I am blessed with a HUGE distrust of the medical field in general so when I got home and recovered just a little bit I got online and I got ANGRY.  Masked by what I thought to be compassion was pity and judgement. No child or parent should be burdened with such a child. ..

After doing a little online research I found that this particular test had HORRIBLE stats of inaccuracy. These were markers, not proof positive indicators of a problem... . my husband dove right into researching Down Syndrome and he was at peace with the possibility. I was not there yet, I was convinced that the Doc had no clue and was pushing his agenda on me. My baby was fine.

One week later I returned to my regular OB/GYN for my monthly appt and I told her I would NOT discuss the test. I was keeping this baby. She smiled and faltered but did go on in detail about the lovely DS babies she had delivered and how wonderful they were doing. YAY.

But. .. . we could not find a heartbeat. Baby was so still on the ultrasound. Just a week ago I saw a beautiful, super active baby doing the Cha Cha. .. .and now nothing. My Doc got upset, visibly and kept looking in earnest for any sign of life at all. There was none. MORE SHOCK.

The Doc expressed her sorrow and excused herself from the room. When she returned she informed me with a robotic delivery that she had schedule my D&C for Friday. This was two days away. My husband nodded through his tears and that was that. But the acronym ping-ponged around in my head for a minute and I stopped the Doc. "Um, wait a minute. This procedure. Will my baby be whole? Will I be able to see him/her?"

She looked at me sadly and simply said no. She had scheduled me for an abortion. WHAT THE?

I told her that surely there was another way. I would not, could not, will NOT accept that. She again faltered. Uh. .. ..

"Really? No other option. I can't believe that." I advocated further and she told me I could just let nature take its course, but this could take weeks or months and if my body did not cooperate, we were back to the D&C.

Again I responded with "Really?" The idea of  carrying baby around for months felt heartbreaking. "Surely there is another option."
AND THERE WAS. Man, getting information was like pulling teeth. C'mon people...I am in shock here, grieving...throw me a bone?

My dear hubby was raised to believe that Doctor knows best. Period. He was fully supportive of me but didn't even realize that the Doctor could be less than forthcoming.

So, the Doctor said she could prescribe something for me that would induce labor and then I would miscarry at home. She informed us that she would be on call all weekend if we needed anything. She wished us luck and that was that.

I cannot imagine how much more difficult miscarriage is if you don't see your baby. If there is nothing to bury. It must be like your pregnancy was a dream. .. .how does it feel real? I still am shocked, looking back, how difficult it was to get the information to make the right choice for us. Just because Beckett's soul was gone doesn't mean I was any less responsible for caring for his precious body.

I think Health Care at this point is a bit of an oxymoron. It is becoming increasingly clear that the medical profession is less concerned with the well being of their patients and more with ease and profitability. OUCH.

So, actually, I think I may end this post here.

It is safe to say that my heart was broken with this loss. A loss I never imagined I would endure. But God has broken it WIDE OPEN and I find that my capacity to love has more than tripled. So many people shut down after a loss, afraid to love again. The complete opposite has happened in my case. I do not fear pain or loss. Good can come out of anything. . .. but you have to let it happen. You have to be open to it and you have to be willing to grow and learn.

Life is so rich and amazing, but you cannot fully experience life without fully experiencing loss. Embrace it, there is so much to be gained!

Napenda Kenya

I got myself all "fired up" last night to start putting some of my Kenyan experiences on here with the grander ambition of starting a book. (DREAMING!) So, I decided to get myself back into those memories by perusing my travel journal. I never journal unless I am traveling, but I am happy to have those memories and thoughts on paper!

My journal was NOT where I thought it would be. It was not in the second most likely place. .. or the third. I was beginning to get frustrated! It could be anywhere! I am afraid I may have stashed it someplace "safe." That will mean that it may end up being lost altogether. NO BUENO! Mbaia sana! Hmmm, how else to say NO GOOD?!?!?

Stymied.

I will eventually start putting Kenya on here, but it may take a little longer than I had planned. Booo Hisss.

I guess that it alright since I have already missed my chance to be one of Oprah's Book Club selections.
(I really am cracking myself up today. Thank you Mr. Coffee!)

I will leave you with a teaser of sorts just to set the stage:

Me: Single. Happy. Carefree. Adventurous to a fault and headed to Kenya for the first time in 2004. I had committed myself to living and working at an HIV Orphanage outside of Nairobi for a little over 3 months. Those who heard about this thought it to be a grand adventure. Those that knew me thought I should be committed.
Rightly so. Though  I had spent many years volunteering at various charities and had obtained my degree in Social Services, I was completely unprepared for the experience ahead. I was blatantly, admittedly not a kid or baby person. I felt like breaking out in hives after a few minutes of attempting to communicate with a child. Diapers were out of the question. Cooing at a baby? Not going to happen.

And yet. . . ..

What I love about being me!

This will be quick as my kiddo decided breakfast was optional today. I normally collect my thoughts over a nice hot cup of coffee, while Eli smears his food all over his hair, face, chair and anything within reach. Hahah, honestly he isn't doing that today, he has just decided that half a banana and 2 raisins is more than enough for his breakfast. Arguing is futile.

So, I have had just such a moving Triduum and Easter weekend. So many graces, inspirations and revelations this weekend. Blessed time with family. LUCKY ME!

The one that is resonating SO loudly with me today is this: being Becki and being Catholic is more than a trip to church on Sunday. It means that when I see something wrong. When I KNOW that Jesus would have me act on something, I am CALLED TO ACT. It doesn't cross my mind that people may think that I have gone off the deep end. I don't identify with people that believe it is just too hard or too sad to do the right thing. Fear does  not register. IT IS WRONG.

There are children being horribly mistreated. Living horrifically deprived lives. Dying preventable and awful deaths. CHILDREN. BABIES. Who can look the other way? Who would CHOOSE to? NOT ME.

I am going to repeatedly quote these Bible verses. .. . maybe until they sink in for someone else. Until I can quote them from memory.  All it takes is ONE person to make a difference. . .

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, "Give them up!" and to the south, "Do not hold them back." Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth  (Isaiah 43:5-6)

You are the helpers of the fatherless.  (Psalm 10:14)

It is not the will of your Father that one of these little ones should perish. (Matthew 18:14)

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress. (James 1:27)

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves…defend the rights of the needy. (Proverbs 31:8,9)


I have heard from more than one person that life should be fun. .. .about the pursuit of "fun." Really? I hope for a much richer life experience. I believe that if you are living as Jesus would have you live, there will be joy. An abundance of it. A reduction of fear. An outpouring of love. I would take that over fun ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!  I have on occassion, experienced this joy and freedom. It is well worth the effort!

I proudly state that I am Catholic. I hope my actions speak even louder. I work to make that the case. "Let them know we are Christians by our LOVE."  The Scriptures above do not say "take care of the needy if you feel like it." "if you have a big enough retirement account." "After you have purchased the house/car/vacation of your dreams" These are instructions, period, and I for one will continue to follow. I will not pick and choose which instructions I choose to make mine. Jesus knows me and calls me by name.

This DOES NOT mean that I have never made mistakes. I have fallen. I have strayed. My joy comes from brushing myself off, time and time and time again, to charge headlong back into the race. .. .

What an amazing journey it has been. I do hope and pray that more people brush themselves off and run with me.
For the love of God.
For the love of children.

Alexander I. 8W

How can you not LOVE these lil ones?


Side note:

MAN, I LOVE blogging! I can speak my mind without having to see the faces people make when they hear what I have to say! hahaha. It is AWESOME! I should have started this AGES ago! What freedom!