Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Try. Try. Oh, so trying.

"A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."-Mother Teresa

I hurt. Each day seems to be a lesson in frustration, failure, exhaustion and tedium. There is no silence. No peace. No time. No sleep. I dread mornings. I dread endless nights. I dread.

There is Literally. No. Quiet.

I know this blog sometimes serves as a journal of sorts and this will certainly be true today. I am not espousing life changes for anyone but me. This is where I am. ME.

I am currently taking a class based on The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. I have read the book several times but this class is actually making it resonate with me. The resonance is both enlightening and painful but I am hopeful that it will bear great fruit. 

In class tonight I got personal when I piped up with the eloquent "I have read the book. I have read MANY books. I know what I should do. What I should say. How I should connect. I know. But I am SO tired. I literally do not get a break and with my husband traveling, exhausted doesn't come close to describing my current state. So, I know and yet often times, I just cannot seem to get it together. To do what I KNOW I should be doing. I am just so tired."

Really, what I said was "WAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Oy. I am hanging my head. Nothing makes me prouder than a good old "woe is me" statement. ..especially said to a room of strangers. Awesome.

The responses of my classmates were awesomely supportive and informative but when I got into the car after class I kicked my own butt. 

Of course I am exhausted. I am a mother. No one becomes a mother to get more rest. To have quiet time. For breaks or relaxation. To look and feel put together. To have their needs met. Oh, wait. .. some people might have kids to meet their own needs but that is a different blog post....

So why do I spend my time lamenting the lack of all of the above? 

Daily life has been difficult recently. I find myself disillusioned. Jealous. Blech. Tired. Short. Irritable. . .and all around wonderful person to be around. My poor kids. 

I keep telling myself that I could be a much better mother if I could just get some sleep. If I had a break every now and then. If I could just hear myself think. If it just stopped raining. If I had a fenced yard. All of it...utter crap. Sure. . .EVERYONE could be a better ANYTHING under the perfect conditions. Sadly, life does not offer optimal circumstances. Pull up your big girl panties, Becki....You Are A MOTHER. You CHOSE this; your kids did not. 

Your job is not to make yourself more comfortable. Your job is to raise your kids. WHATEVER it takes. . .even if it takes EVERYTHING you have. . .THAT is what you do! I know you want to sit and play Candy Crush for a few minutes, but your kids need you again....so put down the game and get on with it!

“Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” ― Mother Teresa

I want to give my children what they need. To be the mother they deserve. To sacrifice and to love unconditionally. To lift them up. Repeatedly and without fail. And yet. . .I fall short. Time and again. 

Sadly, I am human. My frailty and selfishness get in the way on an hourly basis. I have needs. Surely they should be met! What about me? I spend all day meeting needs that are not my own. I often don't get breakfast before lunch. . . I want to scream. . .WHAT ABOUT ME!?! Our society supports selfishness as the norm. I feel justified. I ask myself "Why" far too often. I feel put out. This is normal, I think.... but I also think it is wrong. It is so counterproductive.

My children are children. It is their nature to be need machines. They make childish decisions. They break everything. There is always SO much noise. They make epic messes. They do not know why. Asking why is a lesson in frustration. There is no why. Why even ask? 
Yes. . .boots, socks AND jeans covered in mud. I looked away to put Pookie in the stroller. Just for a second! I was rewarded with mud. Squeals of delight and lots of mud.  

“God doesn't require us to succeed, he only requires that you try.” ― Mother Teresa
I am hereby removing "why" from my vocabulary. This is my first step to truly becoming the Mother that I want to be. The mother they deserve me to be.

Parenthood is hard. But is it also the most rewarding adventure. I resolve to shut down the voice in my head that demands selfishly. I devote myself once again to meeting the needs of my children with love and patience. I will try to enjoy myself more in the process. And I will pray for rest. I will also try not to pout when I don't get any.

Above all, I will try. 

I will breathe a little slower. 

Stress a little less. 

I will look my kids in the eye more often.

I will.


Nothing else is more important.

“God doesn't require us to succeed, he only requires that you try.” ― Mother Teresa

1 comment:

  1. Oh I hear ya, sister. Been there, got the straight jacket. I have three boys, 15, 12, 8, but you know, it has become so very much easier once they passed 6 years--and now I am loving it. Everyone can now make their own snacks and beds. Hang in there, once your two oldest move into the middle years of childhood, it will get easier and quieter.