I went to bed tonight amidst quite a little pity party. Instead of rejoicing about the life growing inside me, instead of focusing on the miracle that is unfolding in our adoption, I am lamenting about my nausea and the helpless sick feeling that plagues my day. WOE IS ME. Right before I drifted off, I thanked God for the blessed release of sleep. It is rare for the nausea or discomfort to wake me out of my sleep. . .it does happen but I can often ignore it and return to sleep.
Tonight, I was blessed with more than just a restful escape from my nausea and resulting pity party. I had a wonderful dream. Before I can jump into what I remember of the dream I need to provide some backstory.
When I was 19 I traveled to Boston as a volunteer to work in a homeless shelter. I thought myself pretty big stuff taking on this experience and on the whole, it was marvelous but at the beginning I was jarred a bit, though too naïve to really process things, I was quickly a big fish in a ginormous pond and I was a bit untethered. Shortly after I started working at the homeless shelter, “Travis” drifted in. He was not much older than me and he too was reportedly from the West Coast, trying to “find himself” on the East Coast. He did not allow anyone near him. At times he seemed completely lost in his mind but other times he was charming and talkative. (staff members thought he was either autistic or schizophrenic or both.) I found him adorable and set out to make friends with him, figuring two lost souls from the West Coast were bound to bond.
When he was communicative, Travis and I would have lovely conversations about his childhood and how he came to be in a homeless shelter in Boston. The first time we had a lengthy conversation such as this, I was over the moon. It was working, I would be the one to get through to this young man. . .I was going to be such a hero! (Remember I was 19….) After a lengthy conversation, I was being summoned to go help serve lunch so I had to end this riveting conversation with Travis. His hand quickly shot out and touched my bare arm. I was a bit shocked and unnerved, when he smiled at me impishly and said “just wanted to make sure you were real, imagine that. ..a real angel.” He started giggling as he retreated back into his mind. I was disheartened and thrilled at the same time, how could anyone think I was an angel? Was the previous conversation based in reality at all? Numerous similar conversations followed with Travis and all ended in a similar way, with Travis believing I was a figment of his imagination, albeit an angelic figment.
In my dream tonight, Travis appeared, though it has been nearly 15 years after our meeting and nearly as long since I have thought about him. He vanished from the homeless shelter a month or two before I also headed back home. No one knew where he had gone.
In my dream, I was being driven around by a unfit, unkempt middle aged man as I was attempting to tie up loose ends before I traveled to complete my adoption. I was stressed. He was quiet and exuded a hopelessness that was tangible. He was kind but sad. To get past the atmosphere of melancholy, I started telling him about my adoption. He feigned interest and asked all the right questions so I proceeded to fill the void with chatter. . all about me me me. What better subject matter is there?
As I reached the end of my errands, I told him that I felt that I was about to be pushed off a precipice and I did not know if I would crash or fly. If I would sink or swim, in fact I had no idea if I was capable of surviving this journey at all. He stopped driving and looked at me. He said he knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. When I finally shut my mouth to listen to him, I heard a disconnected and untethered man, teetering on the brink of despair. It seemed as if he too were trying to wrap up loose ends for a much sadder, darker journey.
When my errands were done, I was not willing to sever the connection that I had with this man. It was not completely altruistic, I was not prepared to set out on my own any more than I wanted to leave him to his own devices, so I had him pull into a grocery store/breakfast restaurant. (Remember this is a dream, people.) I offered to buy him breakfast if he would keep me company. He agreed with more gusto than I expected as he asked me to get him a large stack of pancakes with extra strawberry sauce, ice cream and whipped cream. When I giggled and confirmed the order, he morphed into Travis for a moment. We walked into the store with our breakfast, I had my beloved egg mcmuffin sans meat. Yum. As I walked in, I saw a container of strawberry sauce, which I offered to this kind man. .. and he greedily nodded. I topped up his pancakes with more sauce, ice cream and whipped cream. When breakfast was over, I was still not ready for this moment to be over so I walked over and grabbed two tiny orange creamsicle cups with the wooden paddle spoons. (you KNOW the ones...) Travis’s bright grin and chatty personality greeted me when I handed the cup to the older gentleman. Travis began rattling off about how he had wanted to own a million of these wooden ice cream paddles when he was a child. He just KNEW that he would always be happy holding one of these tiny wooden paddles. He didn’t mention the ice cream part of this happiness and that tickled me. I pictured him with a million ice cream paddles and no ice cream. I was too busy savoring the taste of my own childhood memories myself to point that out to him, I simply smiled and nodded as we both enjoyed the tasty treat.
That is when I woke up, with a tummy full of nausea but a smile on my face. I debated getting up to write this as my tummy was roiling and I really did want to roll over to that oblivion again. However, I was SO happy to be reminded of Travis and that moment in time when someone thought I was an angel. To be reminded of those days when his joy and light brightened my days. Dear Travis really touched my heart. I woke up thankful for the reminder that joy is EVERYWHERE. Even when I am consumed with my own fears and discomforts to recognize it, life vibrates with joy. One simply needs a wooden ice cream paddle to embrace it. And perhaps a Travis of their own to remind them how. Thank you Travis.
