Carpe Diem, Amen

It has been well over 18 months since I have gotten a full night of sleep. I look like a cast member of the Walking Dead. Not exaggerating. (Yikes, I start WAY too many of my blog entries with this statement.)

Good thing he's cute!

Hubby and I were watching a bit of Shark Week yesterday while the boys were down for rest time and we were reminiscing about our life pre-kids.

Sundays were magically lazy days for us. After Church we would each pick a sofa and there we would stay for the majority of the day. We rationalized that it was all okay because we spent our time watching the History Channel or NatGeo...so even though our bodies were wasting away, our brains were somewhat active.

"Oh, we did NOT know how good we had it."

That phrase has been bouncing around in my head since noon yesterday. I have never really noticed, in the moment just how good my life was...except in Kenya. There, I was well aware of my blissful, blessed existence. Why Kenya? Kenya forced me to slow down. It eliminated all of the background noise and senselessness that permeates life here in the US. I didn't spend my day in front of a laptop, with my smartphone near by. I was not plugged in to anything but the wonder of life all around me.

It is no secret that I am desperately tired. All of the time. I fear I am a broken record about it. I cannot even remember the last time I woke up on my own; feeling rested and ready for the day ahead. I have managed to reduce my laptop time drastically and my phone is on the counter most of the day, NOT in my hand...and yet. . .I am missing it.

I thought about taking the boys to the Library today. But I cannot summon the energy. Doing just about anything with all three of my boys seems daunting and I end up wishing I could spend my day on the couch watching TV. What I wouldn't give for just a day or two of my old life.

Yes, cuteness...but at 6 am? Not as cute....

The boys are playing in their play room. I recognize that these precious moments free from screaming and wrestling boys ARE magical. To recognize that is progress but I also know that I want to cherish the chaos of taking my boys to the library. It can be so easy to appreciate the sweet moments but they can also be easily lost in the sea of work. The vast and unending laundry. In the energy that they love to expend in the most inappropriate of places. I want to embrace the sharpie all over the inside of their brand new playset with humor. I want to smile when remembering how it was BREAKING NEWS they just had to tell me every time they needed the bathroom. I want to remember cherishing the fact that my giant 4 year old still wants me to carry him to his bed and heft his form into his bunk bed. I want to be present enough to catalog the love and the joy that these kids bring every day....filling my heart and mind with all the good so that the chaos and exhaustion can be forgotten, pushed right out of my memory.

I often have rose-colored hind sight and I hope that remains true. I am certain that when my hands are curled and aching, when my hair has turned white and I no longer can get off of the sofa I will LONG for the noise and chaos of the angels in my home. That I would happily exchange a night of sleep for the exhausting joy that comes with children. To feel needed and used up. Peeing in privacy won't be the most coveted moment of my day.

My arms will ache to carry my giant children, clutching them close for just a moment longer.

I know that I will sit and stare off into space saying "Oh, I did NOT know how GOOD I had it." I will miss the moments that  drive me crazy today. I will gladly take all of the stress and chaos for a moment with a sweet baby asleep in my arms. I am so very blessed with chaos and noise; with exhaustion and laundry; with 3 little boys that love and need me until I have nothing left. I am SO VERY BLESSED.

God, give me the grace, the patience and the humor to soak in all of my blessings today and everyday. Amen.