The past few days have been one heck of a roller coaster ride. The emotions, thoughts and fears that have been smashing around in my skull have been overwhelming and I got completely caught up in the whirlwind and I completely missed it.
A whisper that told me that all is not lost.
That hope exists.
That love DOES win.
That GOD HAS THIS.
I, once again....nearly missed it.
"God speaks in the silence of the heart. LISTENING is the beginning of prayer." Blessed Mother Teresa
The grief that would have saved me is embarrassing. Once again; I am being prompted to stop, breathe, listen. To release my clenched fists. Someone far more capable has GOT THIS.
My idea of strength has been going through a metamorphosis for the past 20 years or so (yea, I might be the world's slowest learner.) I once believed physical strength made me strong. A strong intellect clearly exhibited strength. Then I threw myself into believing that a strong prayer life was the ticket. And again, controlling a situation and getting my way CLEARLY meant I was strong.
I look at this week. At my brokenness. My helplessness. The desperation. The noise in my life. The chaos. My goals, my hopes, my desires, my to-do list. MY, MY, MY.
And I was knocked on my butt by a whisper.
I can admit that I am the queen of mistakes and misnomers.
Today a whisper was more powerful that two days of internal shouting. Pleading and begging. A whisper carried more weight and promise. Effortlessly.
That whisper exuded strength that I have never heard in a shout. A strength that does not manifest itself in shows of physical strength or in masterful control of every possibility. That whisper did not need to fight fire with fire. That whisper quietly doused the fire that was churning inside of me. What is the point of fighting fire with fire anyway? It only yields more fire. Rarely does it achieve the result you are hoping for. You cannot build with fire. Fire destroys and ravages.
With a gentleness that I cannot wrap my head around, that whisper kicked my heinie.
Big, strong Becki was blown away by a whisper.
I spent more than my fair share of time today crying and surveying my kingdom. With new eyes, seeing all the little ways that love, kindness and gentleness are manifested daily. The fruits of these are indescribable.
I am committing myself to shifting gears. Gentleness shall be my goal. When I feel like shouting. may I whisper. When my fists and jaw are clenched may I remember to release them. May I remember that just because someone feels like arguing, I need not oblige. May I become strong with gentleness of mind and spirit. May my actions allow love in. May I be kind and in that kindness find my strength.
May I forever remember today and the strength of that whisper.