Every year on this day. Pow. A punch to the gut.
Every year I blog about this day. It all started HERE.
Yes, you ARE welcome. One of these years I will get it right. I will sit back with a satisfied grin and high five myself repeatedly. I want to get all the beauty in this struggle. Every year, I am left wanting more from my retelling. So yall, just bear with me...because some day, this blog is going to totally knock your socks off!
Every year, I know this day is coming. I don't fear it. do not mourn everyday; I do not cling to loss or sadness. There is nothing to mourn. I do not believe that love dies and I have not lost Beckett. He is well. He is happy. He is still my darling baby boy and I am proud to be his mama It is just another day until it arrives. And then it's the 6TH and it feels like I am giving Shaq a piggy back while carrying Roseanne in my Ergo. All. Day. Long. I am not angry. I am not sad per se but man, I could weep. I could rage. Today I am confused by the intensity of this I am okay and not okay at the same time....and I am thinking it could be PMS. The gift that makes a sane woman look one fry short of a Happy Meal. Shaq and Roseanne successfully slow me down enough that I can mull things over.
On this day I get to revisit the beauty and brutality of seeing my precious Beckett in the flesh, of counting his precious toes and reveling in the tiny miracle in my hand. I have another chance to try and grasp the miraculous in the devastating loss. Today is my Beckett day.
So, today, I placed flowers at Beckett's grave. Happy Beckett day baby boy! I can still smell the Baby's Breath. What a lovely innocent scent.
This miscarriage malarky is a bitch. It confounds the dictionary in my brain. I want to wish him a Happy Birthday, but it technically isn't a birth day. It's a loss day, but that doesn't fit either because on this day I got to see and hold my sweet boy for a brief moment. So, what does one call it? I have heard "brutiful" thrown around and it fits but only kinda. Happy Brutiful Day? Maybe it will grow on me. Maybe not.
As I said above, I do not believe love dies. I still have mad love for baby Beckett, 4 years after saying hello and goodbye. It is a beautiful thing. If you stay open to that love, it can and will transform your life completely. Out of sadness, confusion and pain, a new life and deeper understanding was born. For that I will be forever grateful
Beckett, baby boy. I hold you in my heart. You bring me joy and I love believing that you and Gramma are hanging out right now...giggling over the mismatched pajama/tortilla chip/couch potato situation I am currently in. You changed my life in such a aching, beautiful way. KISSES!
To Grams: I love you so much. Hug that sweet baby boy for me...and if there is anyway to send me a picture or a video of him laughing that would be rad. Thanks!
To all the doctors that advised abortion over and over: I still fight the urge to poke your eyes out...but I forgive you. Down Syndrome is not to be feared. People are not to be discarded. No one is perfect and to quote the beloved Dr Seuss:
"A person's a person, no matter how small."
To all the loved ones that comforted me with the idea that we dodged a bullet....I love you so much and I know you were trying to love me through a tough situation. Beckett was never a bullet to be dodged. Beckett was/is a perfect blessing just the way God made him.
To all the LADIES! To every woman given the devastating news during pregnancy that something might be different about their baby. To the woman struggling after a difficult diagnosis. I totally understand. I was scared, I was blindsided, I felt unprepared, inept and completely alone. Take a deep breath and please read the following post from an amazing adoptive mama, it spoke to my heart. IF you are worried about how a child with special needs will change your life and/or the lives of your family read this, reach out; you are not alone.
"If you're thinking about adopting a kid whose earning potential is $0, who has zero chance of becoming a Nobel Prize winner, or a CEO, whose greatest accomplishment in life might be learning to play peekaboo or holding onto his stuffed bear, and you're wondering how it will affect your other, more typical kids, then please listen to what I'm about to say, and know I mean it with all of my heart: Love will grow in your house in ways you couldn't even contemplate. Your perspective of success and the value of human worth will evolve so fast that you won't believe it's possible. You'll see your kids grow in compassion, in thoughtfulness, in tenderness, in love, in patience in understanding, in wisdom, in tolerance, and in hope, in ways that nothing else can cause. And one day, you'll realize that the kid who doesn't speak, who doesn't walk, who doesn't "do" anything, has done more for your family in helping them see Jesus than any church service, book, song, or anything else ever could, and that same kid is just as much an essential and productive and involved member of your family as everyone else and you won't be able to understand why other people don't see him the way you all do, why they don't hear his different noises and automatically translate that into English, or see his facial expressions and know exactly what he's trying to convey, and you'll feel sorry for everyone else that's living the "American dream" life with 2.5 typical kids because they are missing out on the greatest joy in life."
To all the Mamas that have lost babies. I feel you. Never feel like you can't talk about it. You are NOT ALONE! Your baby lives and loves on. Find the people that can bear this with you! If you dont have that yet....email me! I am here!
To all the sister-friends: Bear with your sisters. Listen until you cant listen anymore....and then listen some more. Open your heart and share life with your lady friends. Embrace this journey with your fellow sisters. Walk beside them and let them walk beside you.
To all the awesome Adoptive Mamas out there: Easy is boring! :) Messy is beautiful! You have shown me courage, compassion, you rock my world and when /if I grow up I want to be so much more like you! Keep on keeping on and thank you for sharing this journey with me and my little family!
To all those considering adoption.....DO IT! SERIOUSLY....and....have you seen this amazing boy?
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