Three

((I wrote this last week. I just came home from vacation where I had my husband and my mother in law with me for 4 awesome days. And now I am home and the lack of adult company is shocking my system. So I decided to go ahead and post this.))


They lied. 3 is the loneliest number; not 1. Everyday I am surrounded by 3 people that never stop making noise but I have not spoken to another adult in 4 days now. How can that happen? I am not terribly introverted and yet, it happens so easily.

When it was just Eli at home with me, I got out and about often. Time with girlfriends was easy to squeeze in. Eli just came with me. Easy! With 3 at home, I have neither the time or energy to try to get out. Bringing three kids along to visit with friends is no break at all.  I have nothing in place to force myself out. I find myself chatting with Eli's preschool teacher as if she is my long lost friend. I adore her but she is not there for my desperate verbal dump every Tuesday and Thursday.

Since our family exploded from 1 child to 3 in a matter of months, my husband seems to travel more. Take more phone calls after 5 and now is taking vacations without us. This may be my skewed perspective but either way; I can't really blame him. Life in our house is crazy. It is chaos. Noise personified. I know I shouldn't have taken this video today, but sometimes the noise level is just madness. Sometimes you have to see for yourself....so you are welcome to a peek into my insanity.

I am learning that most parents, myself included are simply trying to survive and provide the best upbringing they can for their children. It is not always pretty. It rarely looks the way you thought it would before you had kids. I may not understand how another parent chooses to survive; let alone my husband.  That is not really my place to judge, so here is my public apology to my husband. Survive. Try to enjoy the journey while you are on it. Your family loves and needs you to be here, to enjoy us and to be present. I understand that this is not always easy or fun. There are no do-overs. So, survive how you will, but please remember your wife is over here trying to survive as well.

I feel like I have been spending far too much energy trying to convince him how awesome this chaos is. How lovely his children are. This is my fail. They ARE awesome and no PR campaign is needed. Perhaps I am trying to convince myself as well? The level of chaos and work that these 3 require is shocking at times. It is a waste of energy to try to convince someone else of its awesomeness. You cannot force someone to be where they do not want to be...well you can if they are under 5 years of age, but even that take so much effort.

I found myself pulling out all the stops short of screaming "We are so awesome! Don't you just love us?" I have even stooped to wearing my sexy jammies all day long. See honey. .. aren't you a lucky, lucky man?

Grrrr. This IS sexy. And yes, the room is a MESS. 

Silliness.

My husband clearly loves his children. His family. He does, I know this. How he shows it and how he manages stress is his prerogative and if I spend my time trying to convince some else how lovely this madness is, I lose a little bit of the magic myself. It feels forced. It is terrible and awesome at the same time. It is not for everyone. Sometimes it is not for me, but there you have it. It is my own personal dream and nightmare simultaneously.

So it is lonely. I am surrounded by people that never. stop. talking. Never stop wanting hugs, kisses, feeds, snuggles. Butts need wiped. Owies kissed. My day is filled with interaction and affection. SO MANY NEEDS. ALL. THE. TIME. At the end of the day, I collapse. The last thing on my mind is trying to carry on a conversation. I have nothing left. So I go to bed and start the madness over again the next day. More noise, more demands, more loves. More. More. More.  And THIS is the loneliest that I have ever been. Sometimes it is downright numbing.

So to all you lonely Mamas out there, you are not as alone as you feel. Other Mothas are out there feeling the same as you. Motherhood can be isolating and lonely. Overwhelming an ugly. We all know it is worth it and has moments of utter joy followed by moments of despair. That is parenthood. If you can find the time and energy to reach out, to schedule time for you, do it. If not, hang in there, it will get easier. And know that I am there with you in spirit. . . .drowning in the noisiest, loneliest period of my life.

One day, as unfathomable as it seems, we will all look back on this time with an aching wistfulness. Wishing that our children overwhelmed us with need and love again.

So, interact when you can.

Pat yourself on the back more than you think you deserve.

Talk to your husband about how you feel.

Phone a friend that will not expect you to contribute to a phone conversation.

Dig in your heels.

Survive.

Empty yourself out for your children.

Let God carry you a bit and know....grace comes when you least expect it.