KNOWING

My dear friends, I am going to lay something out for you, something you may really dislike me for. I am sorry if you do not want to read this, I do not want to type it, but it has been on my mind constantly for the past 9 months. It is always there. ALWAYS.

Perhaps it is unhealthy, I wont deny that, but what I KNOW is this: once you have seen, you cannot un-see. Once you have heard, you cannot un-hear. Once you know. . .it stays with you forever. You can try to ignore it, move on from it, bury it .. but it will always come back to you, because YOU KNOW. You can try to distract yourself with the hunky Juan Pablo, the quest for more, more, more.. . but once you know.. ..YOU KNOW.

As many of you know, my little miracle Owen burst into our lives 2 months early and tiny as can be. At 32 weeks gestation, he was a 3 lb little wonder. What you may not know is that Evan was born at 30 weeks gestation. I cannot recall how much he weighed at birth and since I cannot read Russian, I have not been able to decipher the information from his paperwork. He must have been teenie. He also, was a tiny fighter.

Owen had parents that loved him immensely, eagerly waiting for the chance to hold him and comfort him. Cheer on his achievements and cherish his presence. Evan sadly did not.

Evan likely spent his days alone in his incubator. His cries unheard. No one to snuggle him or give him the physical contact his tiny body was desperate for. No breastmilk to nourish and comfort his tiny, fighting body.  His achievements and gains went uncelebrated. No one cried happy tears when he was finally strong enough to leave the hospital.

Someone kiss that sad little face!

When he was strong enough to leave the hospital he did not get carefully strapped into a car seat by a mama too nervous to drive over 30 miles per hour despite her desire to get him home and start some serious snuggling. He did not receive the comfort of breast milk, a snuggle or a kiss on the cheek before he was  moved from one lonely existence to another.

From the hospital bed he was placed into another bed, to spend his days fighting to grow and thrive. Eager for any touch, any eye contact that he was given; even if it was an angry look, a rough touch, he craved human interaction. Odds are it was fleeting at best and yet; against the odds he fought on and grew.

at 3 years old, he was wearing 18 months size clothing

For 3 years he held on and fought, finding some joy in his reality, his precious heart still hopeful and protected until we arrived. Indifference is the best these kids can hope for. Neglect, abuse, starvation and the most heinous of mistreatment are sadly common. And yet, they fight on.

But there are more. It is these children, these precious fighting babies that haunt me. Their arms and legs in the air. Their babbles and smiles completely ignored. Their cries of hunger, cries of loneliness that fall on deaf ears until they stop crying and babbling altogether.  It is their eager faces that continue to haunt me.. . so eager to be chosen. To be wanted. The hope so evident and heartbreaking on their little faces.

Babies NEED love and affection to thrive

I hear these cries when I reach to comfort Evan, Opie and Eli. My heart breaks for the many,  many children that suffer indifference.

Never ever should children be treated like this. 

I am so far from a perfect person and an even sorrier excuse for a Mom. I admit I probably have more failures than successes as a Momma, and yet, Evan is growing and healing. He continues to thrive and he just oozes love and affection.

These children don't need amazing parents or families. I assure you again, we are not perfect. They simply need someone to cuddle them. To coo back. To fill their bellies and change their diapers. They need someone to return their trusting smiles. They need to matter because they DO MATTER.

Sweet Zoey passed away last week. She was 8 years old and weighed 10 lbs. Her family was working hard to save her but they were too late. 

Please hear their cries with me and ACT! If you honestly cannot find room at your table, in your heart, in your family, please do not simply ignore them...bury them. I beg of you to count yourself capable. Count yourself worthy. YOU CAN HELP! Share. Pray. Hear them! If you do not....what hope is there?

Some of these children are home, but MANY more wait....

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails. ..

I feel a little bit of pressure to be witty in these posts now, I honestly don't know why... . but it is hard to be funny when I am facing a day  of dabbing calamine lotion on pocks that look far too big for my little boy to have on his lovely skin. I am sure my humor will return in a week or so. . .maybe sooner if my dreams will cooperate with me. (Peyton, where are you?). . until then you are stuck with un-funny Becki.

So, if I read the list right, today's Teamwork Tuesday was to be Justin, but Justin has a family! Oh my goodness! There are so many new faces on the My Family Found Me Page that I really cannot contain myself. This has been a wicked busy two weeks. . .I am just going to list the names of the kiddos that people are committed to bringing home, because it is a FABULOUSLY long list: Erin and Bethany, Harper, Leo, Maxim, Dalton, Gavin, Sarah, Dottie, Joey, Harlowe, Justin, Lizzy, Nadine, Masha, Charlie, Taylor, Tamara, Jack, Yana, Ashleigh, Isabelle, Meredith, Cindy, Alyssa, Aleksa, Juliette and Ruth. Some of these precious babies have been on this blog, on my mind and in my prayers. And ALL OF THEM HAVE FAMILIES. How amazing is that?? Not that I am counting but the statistics are this 20:8. Only 8 boys. Why is this?? I LOVE boys. Their energy, mischievous and messy. So precious to me. I am posting three boys that SHOULD not still be waiting. With the way children are being claimed, if you see a child that you want to make your own. . ..you best get a move on as more and more people are jumping on board!! God is totally working miracles every day!

There are some amazing little guys just waiting for a family...like Beau. Why is this kid still waiting? There is an awesome video http://lubertsy.opekainfo.ru/valera_video.php that showcases his beauty and his skill at styling hair. I could definitely use his help!! Someone had the end of the video translated and he is supposedly reciting a poem, with a lisp. HOW DARLING! I just cannot stand it. My boy has a lisp and I secretly hope he holds onto it for a while.

Here is Beau, he should be a familiar face to those that read this blog.

Beau 15H

ong6-15
Boy, born November 2004
Eyes of Gray
Blond hair
The nature of communicative
Diagnosis:  Cerebral Palsy

Beau does not make an impression of a child who lives in an orphanage from his birth. Beau is very well developed, already knows how to read by syllables and is able to spell, write and count. The child loves to learn more and will be a promising student in a future.  He is kind and friendly with the children and polite with the adults. He can be left alone in a room and will play with puzzles and mosaics for hours. He also likes to draw and is interested in technologies. He is a very accurate boy and likes cleanliness and order. He goes to the bathroom by himself and never forgets to brush his teeth and comb the hair. Beau walks without help but has spastic paraparetic gait.

$208.00 is available towards the cost of my adoption!

Emilio

Boy, Born July 2008

Look at this handsome little one!   Also of Roma heritage, Emilio was born with osteogenesis imperfecta.  He is healthy and able to walk though!!!  Typically developing cognitively.

From his medical records:  Congenital brittle bones (osteogenesis imperfecta)

$1375.00 is available towards the cost of my adoption!

Donations are tax deductible.

Mark 31C

8mq2-31

Boy, born October 2009

Little Mark has Down syndrome and was born with some heart issues (Atrial Septal Defects, no impairment of circulation), but surgery hasn’t been found necessary yet.

Full medical history available.

Mark is usually in good mood. He plays with toys variously, jabbers. He is active.

$3200.00 is available towards the cost of my adoption!

I will stick with these three precious boys today. Let their faces imprint. .. .their lives are depending on you!

It all came to a head today. . . . .

So, perhaps I am what you would call eccentric. . . single minded. .or focused. Um, tenacious? I am not sure that there is a term for what ails me. I know that my head appears normal enough from the outside but there is a lot that goes on inside that may not be so normal.

I am committed. Maybe overly so, to the plight of special needs orphans. Please, please, please check out this link. Failing to do so will cause you to miss out on supreme cuteness like this:

Juliette (L)

My commitment is in part due to my recent miscarriage of a down syndrome baby boy. It is in part due to my upbringing (a separate but highly entertaining story.) But it is also in part due to the fact that my husband turns a deaf ear my way on  this subject, and therefore I must speak about it twice as much (and twice as loud) in hopes that a little bit of it breaks through. . .yes, I am that person. (Isn't my husband just the luckiest man ever?)


A few weeks back, when I didn't feel like enough people were listening or cared about these children I reached out to a local priest (at 2am) via email. I brought the issues to him and outlined how I thought the parish could help. Well, I have a meeting with him on Wednesday to further discuss the possibility of a new parish mission. YIPPEE!! Right? Well, YES and no.. . see I am not sure that I have the words, the panache, the eloquence to convince him that he REALLY WANTS to support a church mission. I am the bull in the china shop. . .. .really I am so nervous that I will muck this meeting up royally. The last time I attempted something similar on World Mission Sunday, I was to speak during the homily. I lasted 2.5 minutes before slurring into the microphone, "I'ma pathhhh out now." And then I did. My fainting act did bring in 10k that weekend, but still. . .

So, that is where my head and heart are today. Totally. This does not mean that I am neglecting Eli at all, he really wouldn't allow that, but what it does mean is this:

Eli and I went to Wally World today. I never, ever go to Walmart if I can help it. Well, my distracted brain couldn't find a reason to avoid it. . . so we went. They did not have what I went there for. . .epic fail. I did pick something up for myself though. . .
Here's the back story. I never have time to get my haircut. It is ridiculous. I normally choose to wear my hair quite short, which needs upkeep that I never give it. It normally is shoulder length before I find the time to get it back under control. In the interim I simply look ridiculous. I live in headbands and helmet hair. It is lovely. If I take some time to do something with it, it can be passable. . .but really who has the time or motivation? So, I bought myself this:

If this picture is not clear enough, this is the baby sister to the Crimping iron of the 80s. It is supposed to give me lovely wavy hair in under 10 minutes. Okay, so I added the under 10 minutes part, but I thought that this would help me in the ugly grow out phase I am in.

We got home, I fed Eli lunch and I put him down for a nap. I was eager to try out this new contraption. .. so I plugged it in right away.

I ate "lunch" while I waited for it to heat up. My lunch consisted of jelly beans and corn chips.

And then I went to work on my hair. It did make it wavy/kinky pretty quickly, though the end result was frizz. Lovely frizz. I was not sure if the sugar high was clouding my judgement so I stopped the experiment with just the front of my head, threw my headband back on and returned to   preparing for my church meeting.

My husband came downstairs as I was still working and still eating corn chips.. .. .he sat down on the couch and said. "uh, you look weird. Deranged really." He laughed hysterically when I showed him the super straight hair still hanging from the back of my head. Really, I am relieved there is no photographic evidence from this experience.

I took a break from researching for my meeting to call and make a hair appointment. I would hate to muck up this meeting before I even have a chance to open my mouth.

See why I need your prayers?? PLEASE PRAY!! God can make this happen. . . .. .

So much is riding on this meeting!

Girl, born October 2011

BOY, Born November 26, 2004

still advocating

So, I am still struggling to find the words to spur people into action. I told myself that I would simply focus on my presentation to the Priest on April 18th, but I just cannot leave well enough alone.

There are a couple of things I feel I need to address. First of all, I still cannot get my head around the type of person that can ignore the plight of these children!
         

Sasha

Boy, Born October 27, 2008

  

If I cannot fathom the person that can close thier heart to these children, then it is just from OUTER SPACE that someone has the cajones to insult those that are willing to bring these children into their homes. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???? It is just unreal.

There are so many excuses that keep people from committing to the plight of orphans. . .. and I am sorry but they are all SO LAME.

Seriously.

The comment that there will always be orphans. . . .that the situation will never change. Well, people that say that and do NOTHING ensure that the situation will never change. Those people are just as responsible for the plight of these kiddos. Choosing to ignore them is making them unloved all over again.

Yes, there will likely always be orphans. . .and there will always be dishes to wash and floors to scrub. Does this mean that I can simply stop washing the dishes? Throw up my hands in defeat because no matter what I do, there will always be more dishes to wash? Of course not. This excuse is nuts.

There are families stepping forward to adopt. .. numerous times. A small number of families adopting again and again . .. . doing all they can to improve the lives of these lovely children. They are HEROS. And yet they are doing what we ALL should be doing. As christians. .. as members of the human race, we should take care of these precious lives.

I find the stories of these EXTRAORDINARY yet ordinary families to be so uplifting. I want to do all I can to see these efforts to fruition. We all should want to participate in this miracle of adoption.

I urge you, no I beg you to read and join in!  Be part of the solution! I hope that my family has the good fortune of being on this list soon!

What I love about being me!

This will be quick as my kiddo decided breakfast was optional today. I normally collect my thoughts over a nice hot cup of coffee, while Eli smears his food all over his hair, face, chair and anything within reach. Hahah, honestly he isn't doing that today, he has just decided that half a banana and 2 raisins is more than enough for his breakfast. Arguing is futile.

So, I have had just such a moving Triduum and Easter weekend. So many graces, inspirations and revelations this weekend. Blessed time with family. LUCKY ME!

The one that is resonating SO loudly with me today is this: being Becki and being Catholic is more than a trip to church on Sunday. It means that when I see something wrong. When I KNOW that Jesus would have me act on something, I am CALLED TO ACT. It doesn't cross my mind that people may think that I have gone off the deep end. I don't identify with people that believe it is just too hard or too sad to do the right thing. Fear does  not register. IT IS WRONG.

There are children being horribly mistreated. Living horrifically deprived lives. Dying preventable and awful deaths. CHILDREN. BABIES. Who can look the other way? Who would CHOOSE to? NOT ME.

I am going to repeatedly quote these Bible verses. .. . maybe until they sink in for someone else. Until I can quote them from memory.  All it takes is ONE person to make a difference. . .

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, "Give them up!" and to the south, "Do not hold them back." Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth  (Isaiah 43:5-6)

You are the helpers of the fatherless.  (Psalm 10:14)

It is not the will of your Father that one of these little ones should perish. (Matthew 18:14)

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress. (James 1:27)

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves…defend the rights of the needy. (Proverbs 31:8,9)


I have heard from more than one person that life should be fun. .. .about the pursuit of "fun." Really? I hope for a much richer life experience. I believe that if you are living as Jesus would have you live, there will be joy. An abundance of it. A reduction of fear. An outpouring of love. I would take that over fun ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!  I have on occassion, experienced this joy and freedom. It is well worth the effort!

I proudly state that I am Catholic. I hope my actions speak even louder. I work to make that the case. "Let them know we are Christians by our LOVE."  The Scriptures above do not say "take care of the needy if you feel like it." "if you have a big enough retirement account." "After you have purchased the house/car/vacation of your dreams" These are instructions, period, and I for one will continue to follow. I will not pick and choose which instructions I choose to make mine. Jesus knows me and calls me by name.

This DOES NOT mean that I have never made mistakes. I have fallen. I have strayed. My joy comes from brushing myself off, time and time and time again, to charge headlong back into the race. .. .

What an amazing journey it has been. I do hope and pray that more people brush themselves off and run with me.
For the love of God.
For the love of children.

Alexander I. 8W

How can you not LOVE these lil ones?


Side note:

MAN, I LOVE blogging! I can speak my mind without having to see the faces people make when they hear what I have to say! hahaha. It is AWESOME! I should have started this AGES ago! What freedom!

Knackered

Oh, I feel like complaining. And I shouldn't. At all. Precious Eli was up several times for no apparent reason. I thought he had a nightmare for the way he was crying and shaking. I hate that hiccup cry, it breaks my heart. Yes, perhaps I am a complete pushover for my son, but there you have it.

So, I picked him up and he asked for "rock n roll" which he asks for when he wants me to  cuddle him and rock him in the rocker. So cute. I squeezed him until he was able to quit hiccuping. Until he grew heavy in my arms. Until his sweet eyelids fluttered closed. Until my eyes grew heavy again. And then a bit longer. And a little longer after that. When I eventually put him in his bed, he slowly lifted his head and said "hi mama" and fell back to sleep. He is my little love bug.

But then I could not  sleep.  How LUCKY my sweet Eli is to have a Mama so willing to hold him when he is scared. Comfort him when he is sad or hurt. Snuggle him when he would rather be playing. He has what so many kids don't even dare to dream of.

Not just kids in Eastern Europe. Not just children with Special Needs. I feel very called to bring a Downs child home because of my personal life experience. Not everyone feels called to that. I understand that. On the flip side, God instructed us to care for widows and orphans. PERIOD. Not if it fits into our plans. Not if it is comfortable. Not if we feel called to it. He told us to care for them. PERIOD. This does not seem open to negotiation.

Those babies are crying, with no one to revel in the warmth of their cuddles. To watch their eyes slowly closed, secure in their Parent's arms. Every child deserves this, but SO MANY go with out. THAT IS THE BIGGEST SHAME. A crime. A reversible wrong.

I had committed to posting a child a day on my Facebook page for the month of March in honor of  World Down Syndrome Day. I am sure people are groaning into their coffees right now. . .but I cannot stop. My heart and conscience will not allow it. These children get no break. No respite. So how would I justify one?

Kolya 15H

Boy, Born July 2000

6e1n-15H

Look at the personality in this kid! Oh My Goodness! He is so full of life, And hope. And promise. And here I am feeling grumpy for my lack of sleep. I need to learn from this little love! My life is surely blessed!

I leave you snippet of my favorite church song.