Mourning this Good Friday

Well, this post is a day early, but I was just moved by the discovery that this GOOD FRIDAY is 3 months to the day that we lost Beckett. I have always struggled through Good Friday to begin with. I always feel like I am mourning a friend on that day and now I will be mourning my friend and my son. Kind of. Praying tonight I couldn't help but thank GOD for giving Beckett a much grander home than I ever could have.  So thankful for his eternal joy. Even though I know I am pretty darn awesome at being a Mom, he is undoubtedly happier than he ever would have been if he had to suffer through my cooking. .. .
I went to Beckett's grave yesterday. His head stone FINALLY arrived. Yup, for whatever reason it took THAT long to be placed. I am relieved. I hated going there and seeing the misplaced grass starting to settle over him with nothing to show who was resting there. It just felt undone. Forgotten.
So, we took a family trip there to see his marker. ...

Eli loves road trips!! Can't you tell?

 and it was UPSIDE down.

How appropriate is that? Everything about Beckett turned my life upside down, so really,  it is fitting that his headstone is as well. Oh Beckett, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart in a million different ways. Thank you for things my tears will not allow me to express right now. Only God can turn death into life. Sorrow into joy. This Easter is SO NEEDED. My heart is ready for a resurrection. I want to turn the loss of you into something more beautiful than I am able to. Your presence was overwhelmingly perfect and joyous.. . and I want that to somehow manifest itself again.

Someday it will face the right way and look like this. . .

So I have obviously spent a bit of time thinking about Beckett. About those awful days. And loss. And family. And the meaning of life. .. . you know, light-hearted topics. I have so many memories of those two days; but they are like snapshots in my head. I remember how it felt to hold him in my hand. How incredibly tiny he was. I remember feeling such heart-rending grief but also felt a peaceful amazement at his perfection. I remember staring into that hole in the ground thinking that it was so big and so symbolic of how I was feeling. Just a gaping huge hole. In my heart. In my family. In my dreams. HUGE.  It was such a big hole for such a little body. I remember feeling physical pain as they placed him into that hole. Nothing in life can really ever prepare you for that moment. There are no words.

I cannot say that I am over the loss of Beckett. I am not sure a parent ever "gets over" something like that. I am blessed that God has filled some of that gaping hole with love for the extraordinary children on Reece's Rainbow. So much love and so much purpose. Only God could cover that pain with love. Only God. Only God will take my meager efforts and use them for good. I often feel that my little attempts to help are so small and the need is so great. . .but God can work wonders with so little!

I see the children being claimed on Reece's Rainbow and it brings me such joy and such hope. I have unlimited admiration for the families stepping forward for these children. It is a beautiful thing! God is using their love to turn death into life. Despair into hope. Rejection into acceptance. In a word- Resurrection. So miraculous!

What better thought to leave you with heading into this Easter Weekend.

Happy Easter!

What I love about being me!

This will be quick as my kiddo decided breakfast was optional today. I normally collect my thoughts over a nice hot cup of coffee, while Eli smears his food all over his hair, face, chair and anything within reach. Hahah, honestly he isn't doing that today, he has just decided that half a banana and 2 raisins is more than enough for his breakfast. Arguing is futile.

So, I have had just such a moving Triduum and Easter weekend. So many graces, inspirations and revelations this weekend. Blessed time with family. LUCKY ME!

The one that is resonating SO loudly with me today is this: being Becki and being Catholic is more than a trip to church on Sunday. It means that when I see something wrong. When I KNOW that Jesus would have me act on something, I am CALLED TO ACT. It doesn't cross my mind that people may think that I have gone off the deep end. I don't identify with people that believe it is just too hard or too sad to do the right thing. Fear does  not register. IT IS WRONG.

There are children being horribly mistreated. Living horrifically deprived lives. Dying preventable and awful deaths. CHILDREN. BABIES. Who can look the other way? Who would CHOOSE to? NOT ME.

I am going to repeatedly quote these Bible verses. .. . maybe until they sink in for someone else. Until I can quote them from memory.  All it takes is ONE person to make a difference. . .

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, "Give them up!" and to the south, "Do not hold them back." Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth  (Isaiah 43:5-6)

You are the helpers of the fatherless.  (Psalm 10:14)

It is not the will of your Father that one of these little ones should perish. (Matthew 18:14)

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress. (James 1:27)

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves…defend the rights of the needy. (Proverbs 31:8,9)


I have heard from more than one person that life should be fun. .. .about the pursuit of "fun." Really? I hope for a much richer life experience. I believe that if you are living as Jesus would have you live, there will be joy. An abundance of it. A reduction of fear. An outpouring of love. I would take that over fun ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!  I have on occassion, experienced this joy and freedom. It is well worth the effort!

I proudly state that I am Catholic. I hope my actions speak even louder. I work to make that the case. "Let them know we are Christians by our LOVE."  The Scriptures above do not say "take care of the needy if you feel like it." "if you have a big enough retirement account." "After you have purchased the house/car/vacation of your dreams" These are instructions, period, and I for one will continue to follow. I will not pick and choose which instructions I choose to make mine. Jesus knows me and calls me by name.

This DOES NOT mean that I have never made mistakes. I have fallen. I have strayed. My joy comes from brushing myself off, time and time and time again, to charge headlong back into the race. .. .

What an amazing journey it has been. I do hope and pray that more people brush themselves off and run with me.
For the love of God.
For the love of children.

Alexander I. 8W

How can you not LOVE these lil ones?


Side note:

MAN, I LOVE blogging! I can speak my mind without having to see the faces people make when they hear what I have to say! hahaha. It is AWESOME! I should have started this AGES ago! What freedom!

What a Blessed Day!

He has truly risen. AMEN! Mass today was so beautiful, it gave me goosebumps. I was emotional. It was awesome. It is often difficult to pay attention in Mass with a 2 year old that would rather I pay attention to him. Or he would rather focus on going "potski" ten times an hour. Literally. Today, despite all of that, I was really present and the reward was immense and so needed!

I am reveling in this glorious day, but want to leave some promising information regarding the kiddos in Pleven. Our prayers are being answered. Hallelujah!!

Please read the update here. It is thrilling to hear that eyes and hearts are being opened. .. lives are changing. .. .good news is ALWAYS welcome here!

I will leave you with my super smart looking kiddo. .. ..because he is just far too cute for me not to share.

The Second Station: Jesus carries His Cross:

What a moving Good Friday I have had. Such a heavy heart today. I went to Stations of the Cross today prepared to beg for the children of Reece's Rainbow. To unite their suffering with Jesus'. God was prepared for me. Left me speechless. I am going to print the prayer that was impossible for me to voice with the rest of the participants. I am inserting the pictures I had in my head as I was praying. (You're welcome.)


"Who would believe what we have heard? To whom has the arm of  the Lord been revealed? He grew up like a sapling before him, like a shoot from the parched earth;




 there was in him no stately bearing to make us look at Him,

no appearance that would attract us to him.

He was rejected and avoided by men,

a man of suffering, accustomed to infirmity,

one of those from whom men turn away, and we held him in no esteem." (Is.53, 1-3)

(From the same station)
"Father in heaven, your Son, Jesus Christ still carries his cross in his persecuted brothers and sisters throughout the world. Make us feel the needs of all persons so that we might as readily help them as we would help Jesus himself."


I gave that one a BIG Amen (the only word in the two above paragraphs I was able to say out loud.)

God was ready for my pleas, he understands the need. He calls US to act. He calls ME to act.

Please God, knock down all the barriers in my life that prevent me from fully welcoming these children into my heart and my home. Show me how to help carry the cross these children bear. Resurrect my soul from the despair of inaction.

AMEN.