My Love Letter

Oh Lazarus, my child, born of my heart. The son I labored through 7 years for. . . only to fail to make you mine.

Lazarus, you are well on your way to becoming a man. A wonderfully strong, God-trusting, humorous man. I am delighted to know you, my dear. When I met you, you were 7 years old and so packed with mischievous energy, I swear it added a bounce to your step. You were quite possibly the cutest little boy I had ever seen, which is really an incredible statement since you were in an orphanage with over 100 of the dearest, loveliest children I have ever encountered. . .but you. You grabbed my heart and did not let go.

The way you shuffled your feet as you meander on your way, never in a hurry to get anywhere. The way your high pitched cackle could be heard across the yard (and always meant trouble.) The way you always sat next to me at Church, propping your head up on your hand and your elbow resting on my knee. So proprietary. It was as if you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. My heart was yours. I had never loved anything the way that I loved you. But I was a single woman. An American. A selfish, single american. .. head over heels in love with a 7 year old boy that lived across the world from the place I called home.

I left after my "tour of duty" but could not shake my love of you. So after 6 months of prayer and discernment, I returned to Kenya to ask Fr Dag if I could adopt you. I was so terrified and so full of hope. . .when he said "of course!" I literally cried happy tears. I could watch you grow. I could love you for my entire life. . .and provide everything I possibly could. .. I could be a parent to you. I was elated.

I had no idea where this path would take us. I knew that we were family. Whatever that took, we were family. My heart was yours, 100%. No idea that we would be on an emotional roller coaster for so many years. No idea. Please let me apologize for any heartache you endured as a result. I never wanted to bring you anything but love and happiness.

We all know how it ended, Lazarus. That dream ended, though my love for you has not waivered one bit. I still love you like my own child. I still dream of hugging you everyday, of hearing your laughter pierce the room. The spirit and presence and amazing wisdom that you bring into every situation. Though I no longer get to hug you, see you, hear you, you continue to amaze and inspire me. I am so very proud of you. In so many ways. If I could be there to see you cross over into manhood, please know I would be there. . .. the proudest mama. . .it breaks my heart that you are there and I am here, but God does know what HE is doing and we must have faith in HIM.

I want you to know, my dear boy that whenever God allows it, you have a home and a family here with me. With us. I love you to the moon and back, no distance, no time will ever change that! If you choose to remain where you are, I will STILL love you as my own. Nothing will ever change that! As you take this massive step into manhood, you have my full support, my prayers and my love. I am sure if you stay true to who you are and what you believe, you will be an incredible man, that will change the world.

I love you my dear son!


SIDE NOTE:
 I had the good fortune of hosting Lazarus in my house 2 years ago. It was so enlightening and entertaining. I will share some memories so that you all can see just how awesome he really is. 

Laz LOVES om-eggs, when he requests an om-egg, it sounds like he is asking for an om-leg, which really is an omlet. He would eat an om-egg every day if we let him.

 He informed me that he eats v-e-r-y slowly when he enjoys the food that he is eating, except when he is eating oatmeal at an insanely slow pace. He assures me his speed is not because he is enjoying himself.  


He absolutely hates cheese. He cannot stress this fact enough. He hates it, unless it is on a pizza, on a hamburger, in a calzone or on pasta. Then he finds it quite enjoyable, and takes his time enjoying it (see above.)
  
 Salt. Lazarus loves salt. He would probably attempt to put it on his oatmeal if I let him. However, he believes that when he eats too much salt he can dream the future.  He has numerous examples to support this belief.  Gavin has tried to get him to predict who will win the NBA finals. . . .no joy. 

  
 He also believes that with or without salt, he can effectively communicate with dogs. He often tells me exactly what Wicket (our dog) is trying to say when we cannot get him to stop barking. Wicket and Lazarus have become great friends, it seems that speaking the same language helps....

 Now, when I read through this, it sounds like all Lazarus talks about it food. .. this is not the case, but food is an important topic of conversation every day. Lazarus informed us that when he grows up he wants to be a chef in a hotel. I think that is a fantastic goal!!  

Lazarus loves his brother Eli as well. He asked me the other day if he could bring Eli back to Nyumbani with him. I offered him Gavin as a consolation. haha. Lazarus didnt take me up on it. 

 
We had a whirlwind trip for sure, and when I asked Lazarus what the highlight of his stay was he gave the question due consideration and replied "watching my brother Eli get baptized." He is the greatest!! See why I love him so?

Napenda Kenya

I got myself all "fired up" last night to start putting some of my Kenyan experiences on here with the grander ambition of starting a book. (DREAMING!) So, I decided to get myself back into those memories by perusing my travel journal. I never journal unless I am traveling, but I am happy to have those memories and thoughts on paper!

My journal was NOT where I thought it would be. It was not in the second most likely place. .. or the third. I was beginning to get frustrated! It could be anywhere! I am afraid I may have stashed it someplace "safe." That will mean that it may end up being lost altogether. NO BUENO! Mbaia sana! Hmmm, how else to say NO GOOD?!?!?

Stymied.

I will eventually start putting Kenya on here, but it may take a little longer than I had planned. Booo Hisss.

I guess that it alright since I have already missed my chance to be one of Oprah's Book Club selections.
(I really am cracking myself up today. Thank you Mr. Coffee!)

I will leave you with a teaser of sorts just to set the stage:

Me: Single. Happy. Carefree. Adventurous to a fault and headed to Kenya for the first time in 2004. I had committed myself to living and working at an HIV Orphanage outside of Nairobi for a little over 3 months. Those who heard about this thought it to be a grand adventure. Those that knew me thought I should be committed.
Rightly so. Though  I had spent many years volunteering at various charities and had obtained my degree in Social Services, I was completely unprepared for the experience ahead. I was blatantly, admittedly not a kid or baby person. I felt like breaking out in hives after a few minutes of attempting to communicate with a child. Diapers were out of the question. Cooing at a baby? Not going to happen.

And yet. . . ..

Mega Millions

As I sit here and dream about what I would have done had I won MegaMillions I am overwhelmed with how much easier my life would be. Surely I could adopt Mark and any other child that caught my heart as money would be no object. I could help so many other children secure families with that money. I would live in a house with storage, not a 1920's house built before closets were "discovered."

I could help my kids at Nyumbani. The children that first stole my heart. Taught me unconditional, fearless love and unending faith. The children that taught me more than I could ever verbalize. . .thankfully I think they all know the depths of my love for them.

I could do SO much good with that money. Not just could, I WOULD.  I really thought that God SHOULD let me win!! I would be an awesome rich person.

But then I think back to the years I spent traveling to and from Kenya. Kenya became my sanctuary. The one place that never failed to center me. The truth of the matter is this: Kenya was my sanctuary due to the simplicity of my life there. There is SO much freedom in simplicity. It is really indescribable.

Life was not easy in Kenya. There was so much heartbreak. So much poverty. Poverty. The likes I had never seen before. So much unrest. So much hard work.  But there was also joy. Loads of joy. Boundless faith. Love.When I first arrived in Kenya the slow pace of life threatened to drive me mad! I could not downshift from the break neck pace of life I had in Oregon. Once I got over that,  my days seemed to last forever, filled to the brim with unforgettable moments. I never lost time in Kenya. I can easily lose hours here. 

I cannot claim to own too many belongings. I do not live an extravagant life. I do not wish to. However, what I do own still seems to easily distract me from what is most important. Life is SO short and yet I waste quite a bit of it in front of the TV. Watching other people live and experience life. What a waste!

I rarely missed TV in Kenya. Hot showers- those I often missed but it never ruined my day. Having to wash my laundry by hand and hang it to dry. . ..not fun. But it was worthwhile work. The lack of fast food was sometimes difficult since I really do not like cooking, but even that was do-able and there was joy when I was actually able to cook on the makeshift stove I had.

The beauty and wonder of my surroundings were never lost on me. It was all I had sometimes to occupy my mind. Well, that and my little Lazarus. (I will definitely need to blog about him and my attempts to adopt him sometime.)

Is he not the cutest little bundle of trouble?? Oh how I love him!

I always marveled at past Lottery winners complaining about how the winnings ruined their lives. I often mocked them and thought how I would never have the problems they experienced. I had discipline and morals. . ..right? I had focus and I didn't need or want to accumulate too much stuff, I just wanted life to be easier.

Back to Kenya. Life was not easy, but I can honestly say, those years were the HAPPIEST of my life. I would not change anything. It does not mean that I am not happy now. I have my family and I could not be more fulfilled. But Kenya, my Kenya. You have given and taken so much from me . . . and it was all worth it. The absence of a TV, a Car, hot showers, McDonald's, more than 2 pairs of shoes, the absence of pride, of comfort. . . .it gave me more than any mega millions win could have.

So, what a long and meandering way to make my point. It is trite and glib to simply say that "money doesn't buy happiness." Well in really considering what life would be like had I had the "good fortune" of winning Megamillions, I wonder what would have been lost. How distracted I may have become from what is really important in life. How many experienced tainted by luxury and how many friendships soured by suspicion and greed? Perhaps the money and responsibility of it would be become burdensome. Perhaps my marriage would have suffered. WHO KNOWS. It is a gift that I won clarity and simplicity instead of money.