Mourning this Good Friday

Well, this post is a day early, but I was just moved by the discovery that this GOOD FRIDAY is 3 months to the day that we lost Beckett. I have always struggled through Good Friday to begin with. I always feel like I am mourning a friend on that day and now I will be mourning my friend and my son. Kind of. Praying tonight I couldn't help but thank GOD for giving Beckett a much grander home than I ever could have.  So thankful for his eternal joy. Even though I know I am pretty darn awesome at being a Mom, he is undoubtedly happier than he ever would have been if he had to suffer through my cooking. .. .
I went to Beckett's grave yesterday. His head stone FINALLY arrived. Yup, for whatever reason it took THAT long to be placed. I am relieved. I hated going there and seeing the misplaced grass starting to settle over him with nothing to show who was resting there. It just felt undone. Forgotten.
So, we took a family trip there to see his marker. ...

Eli loves road trips!! Can't you tell?

 and it was UPSIDE down.

How appropriate is that? Everything about Beckett turned my life upside down, so really,  it is fitting that his headstone is as well. Oh Beckett, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart in a million different ways. Thank you for things my tears will not allow me to express right now. Only God can turn death into life. Sorrow into joy. This Easter is SO NEEDED. My heart is ready for a resurrection. I want to turn the loss of you into something more beautiful than I am able to. Your presence was overwhelmingly perfect and joyous.. . and I want that to somehow manifest itself again.

Someday it will face the right way and look like this. . .

So I have obviously spent a bit of time thinking about Beckett. About those awful days. And loss. And family. And the meaning of life. .. . you know, light-hearted topics. I have so many memories of those two days; but they are like snapshots in my head. I remember how it felt to hold him in my hand. How incredibly tiny he was. I remember feeling such heart-rending grief but also felt a peaceful amazement at his perfection. I remember staring into that hole in the ground thinking that it was so big and so symbolic of how I was feeling. Just a gaping huge hole. In my heart. In my family. In my dreams. HUGE.  It was such a big hole for such a little body. I remember feeling physical pain as they placed him into that hole. Nothing in life can really ever prepare you for that moment. There are no words.

I cannot say that I am over the loss of Beckett. I am not sure a parent ever "gets over" something like that. I am blessed that God has filled some of that gaping hole with love for the extraordinary children on Reece's Rainbow. So much love and so much purpose. Only God could cover that pain with love. Only God. Only God will take my meager efforts and use them for good. I often feel that my little attempts to help are so small and the need is so great. . .but God can work wonders with so little!

I see the children being claimed on Reece's Rainbow and it brings me such joy and such hope. I have unlimited admiration for the families stepping forward for these children. It is a beautiful thing! God is using their love to turn death into life. Despair into hope. Rejection into acceptance. In a word- Resurrection. So miraculous!

What better thought to leave you with heading into this Easter Weekend.

Happy Easter!

When I was high

I have attempted to get my thoughts down several times and eloquence is just out the window. I mentally wrote this post several times whilst high and dingy on meds and it was at least humorous....without the meds I really cannot guarantee much.

Oh So Pregnant.

On Saturday I was huge. Pregnant and miserable. Huge. I found myself sitting in the hospital debating whether or not to get checked out. I feared something was amiss and I feared in equal parts that I was simply a hypochondriac about to rack up an insane medical bill for a little peace of mind. When I got up from my indecisive perch, I was heading home. . .and instead my feet led me to the front desk to get checked out.

2 hours later I was in an ambulance headed to a different hospital. A hospital equipped to handle the tiny baby that I was likely to have soon. It did not matter that we were supposed to go buy our mini van that day. That I was not due for 2 more months. That we were not ready at all. . .that baby was not ready. I was shuttling to an outcome that no one was not prepared for in the least.

And then I was high. My vision was scrambled, my mind was in shambles and I was about to meet my new son for the first time.

The whole experience was more than traumatic and I think that I will be working through it for quite some time. My baby boy is tinier than I could have imagined but he is so strong and is showing the world just what he can do and I am blown away by him. He does not seem to be bothered by the change in his plans. He is rising to the occasion and making the best of things. He is showing his Mama up in every way possible.

Looking back I am ashamed at myself. Oh I spent so much time moaning about how miserable I was pregnant. Trust me.. .I was MISERABLE! So very sick. Do not get me started....

I abhorred the sight of my swollen face, avoided pictures and was an all around pain in the butt about it all.

Shame on me. My dear boy was safe and snug in my super sized hotel. If only I could have focused on that a little more and focused on my own discomfort a little less. The outcome may not have changed a bit, but I recognize what an honor it is to care for such a little warrior in such an important way. There are no do-overs as much as I might beg for one.

My first chance holding Baby O. Bliss.

I love you, little man. Thank you for showing me what true strength is. I look forward to watching your amazing progress, I have so much to learn from you!

How is it that such an ordinary pain in the butt like myself can be so blessed with such incredible children? Please dear God, do NOT let me screw them up. They are awesome.

in 3 days....and a MATCHING GRANT!

Oh the number 3...so many peaceful and mysterious connotations with the number 3. I will take comfort in the TRINITY today, facing our departure in 3 days is stressful, but with those 3 in my arsenal, we should be just fine. (I wish I felt just as confident as that sentence sounds.)

So, the 3 of us will board a plane in 3 days. . .to fly 3 million miles away to claim the child that God has destined for our family. In 3 days, our lives will never, ever be the same. Amazing how life really can change in the blink of an eye.

Eli still asks about Pasha and prays that he will come and visit. Depending on how things pan out in country, perhaps we will get to meet him and support his new family. You never know. ..

So, I have not been actively blogging or posting on facebook lately as all of the loose ends that need to be nicely wrapped up are overwhelming me. It all makes me want to take a very long nap. Sorry for the absence...

On the GREAT news front, we have been offered a matching grant! A matching grant! We were $1350 away from being fully funded and we now have the opportunity for an extra $1000 in our fund! That's right! A matching grant for $500! This grant has been offered by "the Finishers" and "Anonymous Angels" and both groups are heaven sent to us! We will receive our matching grant when our FSP reads $8167! Please if you can donate, do! It would mean so much to us and take away a little of the stress from this situation.
http://reecesrainbow.org/38523/sponsorlittle I know, we still have Pasha up on our link...his little face still makes me smile. I will miss him so much.

We should be posting more by Monday. . .and by then we will know exactly who our child is going to be. Are you as blown away by this as we are?

Baby Steps

I feel like Bill Murray in "What About Bob." Completely. Baby steps to the kitchen, baby steps to the fridge. .. all day long.

Losing Pasha has thrown us off our game. My husband has been traveling SO much lately that we have only had a few moments here and there to sit down and talk about what we will be doing with this adoption process.

After some tense conversations and a lot of prayer, we reached a consensus. We are both terrified. Unsure of our tentative steps, trying to step out in faith, but afraid to let go of the safety railing. You know the feeling.

SO, we are keeping our appointment in country. We have NO idea who we are to adopt, though we both believe that we were led down this path for a reason. So, in 2 weeks, we will be in route to see what God has planned for our family. I personally feel that God is offering us a child, all we have to do at this point is accept it. Why would we turn away from such a gift?

This is an adventure for sure, one that will likely make my hair turn gray over night. We have not stopped praying and likely will not stop until we are home.

Musings

It has only been 5 days since my last post. Only five? It seems far longer, for me anyways.

It has been a busy 5 days! Our adoption grant has grown due to the loving and generous support of some truly awesome people. What blessings! We are waiting on our home study appointment and are feverishly working to chase paper (often in circles) and make all the correct appointments and get all the right stamps. We went to the Notary with a CHUNK of documents, Eli in tow. Trying to notarize and wrangle a 2 year old is a recipe for frustration but we got through it with only a few documents being rendered unusable. . .the notary was SUPER nice but seemed to suffer from Parkinson's and we knew we would have to return with reprinted documents. I watched my husband like a hawk to make sure he put the correct date on each and every document. Repeating the date out loud each time he went to sign .. . .

With our free time in the evening, we scanned all those documents off and sent them for approval. YAY! Checking items off the list. . really working to expedite this adoption. What do you know, our lovely notary messed up. On. Every. Single. Document. NOTHING ticked off my list. Starting over. Now I know exactly what to look for and what to watch for . . . .I am happy that the kinks are getting worked out at the beginning of the process but it was still a little blow.

I had a brave Anonymous soul comment on my blog yesterday as well. I am unsure if I am going to post it on here since it was not nice, supportive or concerned at all with the well being of the sweet little children waiting for families. Which brings me to my next topic: Lynette.

Oh dear sweet girl. She looks so shy and timid doesn't she. She looks like it would take her a little time to warm up to you but then she would never be far from your side, eager to hug and hold your hand. What a tiny, lovely, dear little bird.
Lynette passed away recently. Eleven years old. Never held, hugged, loved, treasured. Her life was spent in a crib. Waiting. Hungry. Neglected. Forgotten. Without Reece's Rainbow I would have never even known about Lynnette. Ignorant of the plight of these sweet children. I mourn her. I know she is in an infinitely better place but I fear the world failed her. We heard her cries and failed to respond. The world has lost a lovely, lovely child. Only continued advocacy and love can change the lives of these children.

I know I sing about all the wonderful work done through Reece's Rainbow but it really is amazing. I just heard that the Ukraine has posted Reece's Rainbow Adoption posters in their Official Offices. This is incredible! Read more about this here. The more people that see these lovely children, the more likely it is that they will find families. Truth is spreading and only good can come of it! Please pray that God continues to stir hearts for adoption.

I spent a little time counting the other day. I may be a number or two off but LOOK!

73 children home in 2012 so far.

74 traveling families right now

71 almost there

43 compiling dossiers

31 homestudy in progress

+33 new commitments 

=325 children that will not be left as orphans!!!

Huge hugs and thanks to those supporting our adoption with prayer and donations, encouragement and love.  It is truly appreciated! Please continue to pray for orphans!!

Health Care?

This is on 3 hours of sleep. That is my warning to you all. It might not be worth the effort of typing right now.

Sleep is not easy to come by since I stumbled across Reece's Rainbow.  Some would call me obsessed. I care far too much. .. .in other's opinions. I attempted to distract myself by putting some of my Kenyan experiences in print. . ..but I think God has other plans for my time right now. I am not to be distracted. I am to continue talking about these precious children. The precious lives that are so forgotten. Perhaps if I saw multitudes of people advocating and adopting and donating, sleep would come easier.

Perhaps if I saw these children growing and sporting loads of baby fat, with something other than a blank and forlorn look in their eyes  I would be able to sleep. Perhaps if I could start the adoption process myself . . .. . 

Since those things are not yet happening, I will continue working on this end in hopes that something that I say rings true. For anyone. .. . but really I hope for MANY!

I have so many directions this post is about to go in. .. .all at once. Again- 3 hours of sleep.

So, I lost a child. Many women miscarry. In fact doctors say one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a huge number that I was not aware of. .. no one that I knew had suffered a miscarriage, that I knew of. .. until I was granted entry into this secret world. No one talks about miscarriage. .. .why? It is SO difficult and processing is so tedious, I don't know how I would have gotten through it if I hadn't talked about it. Why do women hide this information?

I fear that many women weren't blessed with the choices that I had. I fear that many women aren't given choices at all. Here are some bare bones facts about my situation. I KNOW that this may not be the norm, but I would love to be a voice in another woman's head if (GOD FORBID) she ever finds herself in a similar situation and wants something other than what the doctor is offering.

First of all, I submitted myself to an early pregnancy ultrasound that was designed to find any abnormalities in my baby that would suggest a chromosomal abnormality. Why did I do this? Really I don't have a sound reason aside from the fact that I was humoring my husband. He believes that being informed is ALWAYS best. I was sure my baby was just fine so I went to this appointment alone. After nearly an hour of watching my sweet baby kick his legs and wave his hands and be super adorable I was delivered crushing news.

Something was wrong with my baby. The doctor appeared so wonderfully compassionate as he handed me tissue after tissue. I was in disbelief. There is NO way to prepare for such a blow. In his compassion, he informed me that based on the Nuchal Translucency, my baby had a 30% chance of being born "typical." My chance of miscarriage went up 40% and he was pretty sure my baby would not live much longer at all. He brought up abortion at least 3 times. As I was sobbing my eyes out and trying to process this shocking and heartbreaking information.. . .alone. I informed him that if he brought up abortion ONE MORE TIME, I would simply walk out. I was pregnant with a lovely baby and I was going to have that lovely baby. Not once did he mention Down Syndrome support groups. He did not mention that Down Syndrome children can and do live very full and rich lives. NOT ONCE. When I did mention that my child still had the chance to be just fine, he slowly shook his head. He was basically pronouncing my baby dead, right then and there.

Now, I am blessed with a HUGE distrust of the medical field in general so when I got home and recovered just a little bit I got online and I got ANGRY.  Masked by what I thought to be compassion was pity and judgement. No child or parent should be burdened with such a child. ..

After doing a little online research I found that this particular test had HORRIBLE stats of inaccuracy. These were markers, not proof positive indicators of a problem... . my husband dove right into researching Down Syndrome and he was at peace with the possibility. I was not there yet, I was convinced that the Doc had no clue and was pushing his agenda on me. My baby was fine.

One week later I returned to my regular OB/GYN for my monthly appt and I told her I would NOT discuss the test. I was keeping this baby. She smiled and faltered but did go on in detail about the lovely DS babies she had delivered and how wonderful they were doing. YAY.

But. .. . we could not find a heartbeat. Baby was so still on the ultrasound. Just a week ago I saw a beautiful, super active baby doing the Cha Cha. .. .and now nothing. My Doc got upset, visibly and kept looking in earnest for any sign of life at all. There was none. MORE SHOCK.

The Doc expressed her sorrow and excused herself from the room. When she returned she informed me with a robotic delivery that she had schedule my D&C for Friday. This was two days away. My husband nodded through his tears and that was that. But the acronym ping-ponged around in my head for a minute and I stopped the Doc. "Um, wait a minute. This procedure. Will my baby be whole? Will I be able to see him/her?"

She looked at me sadly and simply said no. She had scheduled me for an abortion. WHAT THE?

I told her that surely there was another way. I would not, could not, will NOT accept that. She again faltered. Uh. .. ..

"Really? No other option. I can't believe that." I advocated further and she told me I could just let nature take its course, but this could take weeks or months and if my body did not cooperate, we were back to the D&C.

Again I responded with "Really?" The idea of  carrying baby around for months felt heartbreaking. "Surely there is another option."
AND THERE WAS. Man, getting information was like pulling teeth. C'mon people...I am in shock here, grieving...throw me a bone?

My dear hubby was raised to believe that Doctor knows best. Period. He was fully supportive of me but didn't even realize that the Doctor could be less than forthcoming.

So, the Doctor said she could prescribe something for me that would induce labor and then I would miscarry at home. She informed us that she would be on call all weekend if we needed anything. She wished us luck and that was that.

I cannot imagine how much more difficult miscarriage is if you don't see your baby. If there is nothing to bury. It must be like your pregnancy was a dream. .. .how does it feel real? I still am shocked, looking back, how difficult it was to get the information to make the right choice for us. Just because Beckett's soul was gone doesn't mean I was any less responsible for caring for his precious body.

I think Health Care at this point is a bit of an oxymoron. It is becoming increasingly clear that the medical profession is less concerned with the well being of their patients and more with ease and profitability. OUCH.

So, actually, I think I may end this post here.

It is safe to say that my heart was broken with this loss. A loss I never imagined I would endure. But God has broken it WIDE OPEN and I find that my capacity to love has more than tripled. So many people shut down after a loss, afraid to love again. The complete opposite has happened in my case. I do not fear pain or loss. Good can come out of anything. . .. but you have to let it happen. You have to be open to it and you have to be willing to grow and learn.

Life is so rich and amazing, but you cannot fully experience life without fully experiencing loss. Embrace it, there is so much to be gained!

The Second Station: Jesus carries His Cross:

What a moving Good Friday I have had. Such a heavy heart today. I went to Stations of the Cross today prepared to beg for the children of Reece's Rainbow. To unite their suffering with Jesus'. God was prepared for me. Left me speechless. I am going to print the prayer that was impossible for me to voice with the rest of the participants. I am inserting the pictures I had in my head as I was praying. (You're welcome.)


"Who would believe what we have heard? To whom has the arm of  the Lord been revealed? He grew up like a sapling before him, like a shoot from the parched earth;




 there was in him no stately bearing to make us look at Him,

no appearance that would attract us to him.

He was rejected and avoided by men,

a man of suffering, accustomed to infirmity,

one of those from whom men turn away, and we held him in no esteem." (Is.53, 1-3)

(From the same station)
"Father in heaven, your Son, Jesus Christ still carries his cross in his persecuted brothers and sisters throughout the world. Make us feel the needs of all persons so that we might as readily help them as we would help Jesus himself."


I gave that one a BIG Amen (the only word in the two above paragraphs I was able to say out loud.)

God was ready for my pleas, he understands the need. He calls US to act. He calls ME to act.

Please God, knock down all the barriers in my life that prevent me from fully welcoming these children into my heart and my home. Show me how to help carry the cross these children bear. Resurrect my soul from the despair of inaction.

AMEN.

Off the deep end

So my dear hubby is convinced that I have gone and lost it. Completely. Maybe he is right? I am so grateful for the love and support and camaraderie I have found with the Reece's Rainbow crew. Their mission mirrors mine and I am so thankful to have found them! There are some really amazing people doing even more amazing things. . . .sacrificing all for the little angels that are in so much need.

Families are praying. Fundraising and adopting. It is really so incredible. Sadly there is trend in messages on there however, MEN, you are the brawn in our families. The heads of our hearts. The big, strong shoulders we rely on. It is time for battle. This is bigger than our desire to love babies. WE NEED YOUR HELP! This IS a problem you can fix! Our lives can no longer be about building a more comfortable life for ourselves, though we appreciate that sentiment. It can no longer be about finding the easiest path and staying on it forever. There is a wrong being committed and WE MUST STOP IT! HOW????? Open our arms, open our wallets and give our lives over to those that need us most. Complete sacrifice. How scary is that?? REALLY FLIPPING SCARY. But MEN are designed for battle. They are our protectors, so WHO BETTER to assist in this ministry?? Gear up soldiers!! Head into battle! This is one that we can WIN! These children cannot help themselves out of this hell, it is our responsibility. I, for one, will not look away!

Hahaha, I am sitting at my kitchen table crying. Perhaps I have crossed the line and am completely off my rocker.

I have been having such a difficult time sleeping these days, which really does not help my mental state. As I say my evening prayers, the faces of each child pops in my head. Visions of emaciated children. Vacant stares. Children that may never live to know how precious they truly are. I am not wired to handle it! It is just too awful.

I remember the Ethiopian famine. I remember hoardes of Actors and Musicians eager to assist. I remember"We Are the World."  I was moved to tears then. I just really believe that children SHOULD NOT SUFFER. It is a tragedy. The (INSERT numerous curse words here. .. . I just had to break for my son to have his morning constitutional and the first key I hit wiped out an AWESOME rant!)))) @#$@#$%%%$#
The shocking nature of the orphan crisis in Eastern Europe is that it is not resulting from a drought, natural disaster or other unavoidable circumstance. Nope this is brought on by a drought of kindness. Of love. A complete surrender to fear, to selfishness. This can and should be something that NEVER happens. NOT ON OUR WATCH! This is a holocaust that needs to be brought to an end.

So I tried everything to sleep last night. Nothing worked. When crying myself to sleep didn't work either, I decided to take my case to a higher level. To the CHURCH.
Oh. .. .to be those poor Priests that received my email this morning. hahah, please join me in prayer that they don't just write me off as a mentally unstable woman. This is a matter that our faith community should know about. ... be heartbroken about and RECTIFY!

We are called to community. We are called to love. LOVE is what will bring these children home. Please pray that my emails strike a chord and homilies shout out the cries of these children. Let's pray that legions of people are shaken out from under their cloaks of indifference and spurred into action.

It is my fervent prayer that Churches around the world rise up to answer the call of these children. Join me in battle!!

This Journey

Two posts in one day. This can and will be blamed on caffiene. I wonder how I would function at all without this beloved drug.

2011 ended with apprehension and worry. 2012 began with a slap. Well, maybe more like a nasty uppercut. It didnt knock me out but it landed me on my butt in more ways than one.

January 7th 2012.
Tears. Flowers. Dirt. A gaping hole in the ground and in my heart. The tiniest coffin I have ever seen. My two year old trying to take it all in and make sense of it all. Something his parents were struggling with themselves.
This is the closest I will ever come to having a picture of my 2 boys together. After discovering something was wrong with my baby in my first trimester, my sweet baby boy returned to heaven at a precious 14 weeks old. I was heartbroken.

A week after we buried precious Beckett we learned that he had tested positive for Trisomy 21. Prior to the miscarriage, Gavin and I had started coming to terms with the knowledge that our baby would have special needs and all that came along with that. We grieved for the hopes and dreams we had for this child, accepted reality and started dreaming and planning again. And then it was over. Just. Like. That.

Hmmm. It sounds all so civilzed and mature. It was not. I fretted and cried and yelled at God and worried and worried. And worried. And cried some more. It is horrible to know that your baby needs help and even though you are carrying that precious life, there is nothing that can be done. Aside from giving it to God. Which I did but it did not take away the pain. The helplessness. Agony.

I count myself lucky in so many ways. I was able to see and hold my tiny, tiny, perfect precious boy. I was able to name him and bury him. Even now that moment moves me to tears. He was PERFECT! I could count his fingers and his toes. God is amazing. It really brought home to me what a miracle life is. How fragile as well.  There was peace in that moment. I had an angel in heaven.

An angel in heaven. Angel. Mine. A success of sorts. I believe it to be the goal of a parent to do everything they can to see that their child makes it to heaven. There are NO guarantees. As painful as the loss of Beckett was, I couldn't escape the joy that he was in heaven. AND THEN I got jealous. Not a rational jealous. OH NO. That wouldn't be my style. A loco-jealous. Who was getting to meet and get to know him before me?? Who got to hear his laughter? Who got to see him smile?? What did he look like?? How does it feel to hold him?? WHY DO THEY GET TO KNOW BEFORE ME????? What is fair about that?? I prayed that he would be given the welcome that he deserves, met with generations of family, kisses, hugs, laughter. . . .with the choirs of angels singing. . . .you get the picture. But MAN I was JEALOUS! Still am a bit.

I cannot wait for my reunion with Beckett. He has truly changed my life.

There is no going back after such a great loss.
I became curious about children with Down Syndrome. What had I missed out on. .. . trying to fill in the gaps of what my life may have been like. NOT HEALTHY, I am sure, but I was driven to research anyways.
AND THEN, I read Adeye's blog about the plight of children with special need and Down Syndrome  in Eastern Europe. I was moved to my core. Rattled. Shocked. Horrified. Angry.
http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/

This is the face of desperation--of abandonment, neglect and poverty! The pictures were too too much.

In a word: HOOKED.

Reece's Rainbow is an  angelic organization advocating adoption for special needs children in 25 countries. The children and their stories really touched my heart. I HAVE to take action. I cannot unlearn this information. I cannot un-see these images. Everytime I cuddle my son I cannot help but think of all the children in need of love, cuddles and families.

I cannot turn my back. I REFUSE! Beckett would have been loved as no other. I am all in.


((((I stole these pictures from Adeye's blog))))