Mourning this Good Friday

Well, this post is a day early, but I was just moved by the discovery that this GOOD FRIDAY is 3 months to the day that we lost Beckett. I have always struggled through Good Friday to begin with. I always feel like I am mourning a friend on that day and now I will be mourning my friend and my son. Kind of. Praying tonight I couldn't help but thank GOD for giving Beckett a much grander home than I ever could have.  So thankful for his eternal joy. Even though I know I am pretty darn awesome at being a Mom, he is undoubtedly happier than he ever would have been if he had to suffer through my cooking. .. .
I went to Beckett's grave yesterday. His head stone FINALLY arrived. Yup, for whatever reason it took THAT long to be placed. I am relieved. I hated going there and seeing the misplaced grass starting to settle over him with nothing to show who was resting there. It just felt undone. Forgotten.
So, we took a family trip there to see his marker. ...

Eli loves road trips!! Can't you tell?

 and it was UPSIDE down.

How appropriate is that? Everything about Beckett turned my life upside down, so really,  it is fitting that his headstone is as well. Oh Beckett, thank you for opening my eyes and my heart in a million different ways. Thank you for things my tears will not allow me to express right now. Only God can turn death into life. Sorrow into joy. This Easter is SO NEEDED. My heart is ready for a resurrection. I want to turn the loss of you into something more beautiful than I am able to. Your presence was overwhelmingly perfect and joyous.. . and I want that to somehow manifest itself again.

Someday it will face the right way and look like this. . .

So I have obviously spent a bit of time thinking about Beckett. About those awful days. And loss. And family. And the meaning of life. .. . you know, light-hearted topics. I have so many memories of those two days; but they are like snapshots in my head. I remember how it felt to hold him in my hand. How incredibly tiny he was. I remember feeling such heart-rending grief but also felt a peaceful amazement at his perfection. I remember staring into that hole in the ground thinking that it was so big and so symbolic of how I was feeling. Just a gaping huge hole. In my heart. In my family. In my dreams. HUGE.  It was such a big hole for such a little body. I remember feeling physical pain as they placed him into that hole. Nothing in life can really ever prepare you for that moment. There are no words.

I cannot say that I am over the loss of Beckett. I am not sure a parent ever "gets over" something like that. I am blessed that God has filled some of that gaping hole with love for the extraordinary children on Reece's Rainbow. So much love and so much purpose. Only God could cover that pain with love. Only God. Only God will take my meager efforts and use them for good. I often feel that my little attempts to help are so small and the need is so great. . .but God can work wonders with so little!

I see the children being claimed on Reece's Rainbow and it brings me such joy and such hope. I have unlimited admiration for the families stepping forward for these children. It is a beautiful thing! God is using their love to turn death into life. Despair into hope. Rejection into acceptance. In a word- Resurrection. So miraculous!

What better thought to leave you with heading into this Easter Weekend.

Happy Easter!