Adrift with Yoda

I always prided myself on my stability. I was strong. ..rooted. Not to be moved. I could handle bumps and bruises and move on unfazed. I had my faith and it held me together, helped me to stand straight and firm. I rarely wavered. I had pride to spare. So confident in myself and my capabilities. . 

Perhaps it is my low center of gravity assisted. . I don't know. I also don't know where that steadfast stability has gone. That blatant and pompous confidence. But it does appear to have fled the scene. Vanished completely. Perhaps I have only lost the illusion of strength and fortitude. It seems that the smallest bump can send me careening. Instead of standing strong, I am treading water in the middle of a tsunami. I feel washed this way and that. . .completely unmoored... . adrift. It feels so un-Becki.

Oh the questions that plague me. Was I truly that strong? Was my strength my downfall? What the heck has changed? Was that confidence an illusion? My last adoption was FAR more difficult. I was on my own. .. I have support now. And yet. . .

Is that the difference? I had no one to count on before but God. .. I literally took a beating last time. But I did get up. I AM fine. Am I deluded in thinking that I was steady before? Was I blinded by my own ego. . .by the idea that I was strong and capable and self contained?

I am confounded by this. In my head I hear a wise voice.. "The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is. "

On the flip side, I am finding joy in my honesty. I am no longer afraid to share this journey with people. All of it. I do not feel the need to paint a happy or strong face where there is not one honestly there. I do not believe tears to be a sign of weakness. If people deem me to be weak, lost. . .that is their judgement and I am not concerned with their judgement. There is only one Judge that I am concerned with.
I am not sure what the lesson is. I am sure, completely sure that there are valuable lessons being learned on this journey. So many changes have already taken over me.. . I was chatting with a friend today and he told me that I was always so nice. I was completely floored. For the most part my friends describe me a sarcastic pain in the ass. . .nice? Not really used so much.. Changes are afoot and I do think good things will come of them! " You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive." 
I have been asking a lot of my friends and family on this journey. I know this. I am grateful for the patience, support and love that I am getting in return. I truly am. Can I ask for more?

I believe that I will only find stability standing again is if I return to my knees. Own my shortcomings, fears, angers and my humanity. Offer them all up, honestly.  Please feel free to join me on this journey. Not to watch but to participate, to pray, follow and support. . .it is really going to be amazing! Join me?

(TOTAL DISCLAIMER: I really have NO idea where the idea to use Yoda came from. . .but it was fun. Can I thank my husband's geek side? My ex-boyfriend's love of all things Star Wars? Honestly, on a good day I can differentiate between Star Wars and Star Trek. . .any other day, I could not care less. Sorry, that is also the truth. . .)

a Little Business

Okay, I admit this is one of the boring blog posts.. ..all work and no play.


If all goes well, our Dossier should be done this week. Well. ..aside from USCIS approval. ..but the majority of our paperwork should be winging it's way half-way across the world. Amazing. Please pray that this is the case, the sooner our paperwork is submitted the sooner we can travel.

It appears that my darling spouse has come to the rescue. ..and our calls to Lazarus will be reinstated. This is AWESOME news. .. so much to share that I just didnt want to share by letter. I love my Kenyan boy and cannot wait until he is old enough to choose to come here!

I am hoping by the end of the week I will have a figure. Hahah, a monetary figure as well as a more svelte figure. .. I will sit down and do some math. See what we have paid, what the rest of this adoption should cost compared to what we have left to fund it. ..so I can put an accurate number on our fundraising needs. I estimate, off the top of my head that we will need approximately 15k, but should be able to eeeeeeeekkkkkk by if we can raise 10k/. Wow..  .that seems daunting. But perhaps when I sit down to crunch the numbers we will only need 9999.95 and that will make me feel better.

Off to start our whirlwind busy week!

Raising Funds

It's how Politicians become President and how this family will bring Pasha home. If you choose to donate, I promise there will be no drama. . no Supreme Court involvement.. .I will send you a thank you card once sweet baby boy is home. . ..

Believe me, I know. . .fundraising is NO fun at all. It is really misleading to have FUN anywhere in that word.. .but I am trying to make it fun and easy for all involved. Here is the deal. I know there are people that may not agree with fundraising for adoption. I get it. I would have never asked anyone for help paying for Eli's Birth, or any of the medical costs associated with Beckett. So why would I even ask for help with this? It is really quite simple and I will state my reasons and leave it. I will not preach.
Simply put, I firmly believe that these children should not be left to languish in an institution simply because of money. It is wrong. Not everyone wants to make the commitment to bring an orphan home. I understand that too. It is really simple to help those that DO want to see the orphan crisis end. .. and it can be as easy as spreading the word about an adoptive family, praying for them and donating.. .every single dollar helps.

Because it doesn't have to be this way...

Lucky for us we did not have to spend $25k to bring Eli home. I know if you add up our co-pays and insurance premiums. . .blah blah blah..it still cost a fair chunk, but it was not a lump sum of cash straight out of our account.
Our adoption is flying. ..we should be able to submit our paperwork next week or the week after. . .We have been working for a little over a month on this. Racing to get to Pasha. .. to make up for the past 6 months. Six month with little (if any) cuddle time. Rationed food that likely left his tummy grumbling. Six months of having his diaper changed only once or twice (if he is lucky) a day. See why we are really pressing ourselves?
Coming up with $25k in 7 months or less is daunting. As I stated, I cashed out my retirement to help cover costs. . .but it does not cover the entire cost. DOH! Keeping that in mind, Pasha may come home with larger medical needs than we are anticipating. It would be prudent to have some of that retirement fund sitting there when we arrive home to cover his medical care. Just as an example, if each of our Facebook friends donated $20 we would be half way funded. We could cover the rest. Done. Not all of our facebook friends will donate and that is totally okay. I just wanted to illustrate just how simple it could be. Every little bit does add up.

We have an ongoing fundraiser through 147millionorphans.com. There is a handy dandy button to the right.  .use that link to purchase some lovely advocacy apparel.

Lolasitas!

There is also a fundraiser through Lolasitas awesome shop on Etsy. A portion of every sale will go to our adoption fund. She has awesome blankets that would be perfect for gifting! Make sure you use our name when purchasing.

One of our AWESOME Auction Items. .. 

We will have an online auction on Facebook. Click here to access the auction.We (mostly Annie T, Annie I am SO grateful for your help!) has gotten some amazingly cute items to bid on. .. so simply put: Look at cute pictures. Give us ALL your money. Convince your friends to give us ALL their money as well. Pasha will come home and we will be so grateful. Seriously, bidding on the items will start on July 20th at 10am Pacific time. Shipping will be included unless you live out of the country and then I will negotiate with you.. .perhaps I will cover the extra shipping costs. Please do share with your friends. This auction will last one week only. . so check back often to make sure your bid is still the highest. All the donations have been generously offered by shop owners trying to make a living .. .so please note the links to every item and visit their shops! If your bid is the highest, then you will donate the amount of your bid here. Here is the BONUS. .. you have scored a cute new item AND your donation is tax deductible. . WIN-WIN! See, it is kinda fun. Right?

I will be throwing an 80s Dance Party Fundraiser (there's the FUN!) in August. I will post more when it gets closer to the time. . .I know you are on the edge of your seat.

Thank you so much for your time and for giving us your support! Pasha and I appreciate it more than we can say! If I haven't said it before, I don't expect anyone to donate, but I hope and pray that this adoption can be completed without acquiring a large debt. If you cannot or will not donate. .. I still love you and hope that you will keep us in your prayers!

Poopong?

I know I have disclosed numerous times that I am still figuring this blogging thing out. I just learned how to put tabs on my blog but do not really know how to make them functionally do what I want them too. I think this is the only time that I have ever wished that I could talk to my computer. . .tell it what those tabs are supposed to be doing on my page. As if my computer would understand that that tab thingy needs to be doing something else. . .descriptive, eh? That being said, it does make me giggle that my Kenya tab is simply a renamed Home tab.. . kind of fitting. Sorry to say the Kenya tab will not link you to blog posts featuring my beloved Kenya. Nope. It will lead you in circles. Welcome to my world.

In my attempts to further understand blogger I began investigating and playing with links and topics on here that I have not yet felt brave enough to tackle. What I found is flabbergasting. . .  I stumbled upon this. .. THIS.
Apparently my blog will pop up when people search for the following things on google:

Search Keywords:


tatertot


4alittleloco.blogspot.com


butt boy


husband walked in on my poopong


waiting family adoption profiles

Some of these make sense. . .if you type my blog address into google, then hopefully my blog will show up. . why it shows up for butt boy is WELL beyond me.
Let me assure you that my husband has NEVER walked in on me poopong. I am not one to mess around with poopong, and I really have little patience for people that just do not give poopong the respect it deserves. . . whatever that may be. My bathroom activities are also not shared with my husband.. . and in the case of an accident of that nature, I assure you that I would not post it on my blog. You. are. welcome.

Sorry Mrs Poopong, you will not find what you are looking for here.

The Time-Space Continuum

I should be ready to pop about now.

But I am not. Life goes on. I never forget Beckett. He is present for me every day but I do not wallow. I do feel blessed for the time that he was here with me. .. and I feel blessed that he is in heaven, advocating for us (hopefully...) Part of me wonders if he is embarrassed by me sometimes. . .when he sees me at my most awkward or clumsy. When he sees so clearly how imperfect his Mama is. Most everyday I am at peace with the  fact that my sweet baby boy is not physically here with me. (I know this is hard to believe because I don't blog about it.) But really I am fine. Able to function and take care of business. Able to enjoy my time with Eli. Fine! Totally fine until the radio plays this: (I know most of you have heard this song, but really take a minute to wallow with me. okay so I am wallowing a little bit but just right now. and whenever this blasted song is on... the words are perfect.)

Even Eli calls it the Beckett song. . .and I cannot help but bawl. The words are perfect. "I just wanted to hold you in my arms." Doesn't seem to much to ask. . .right?

I was talking to a friend yesterday when it dawned on me that my estimated due date is literally days away. It is such a strange realization and makes me a bit introspective and melancholy. I have faith that everything does happen for a reason and had it not been for dear Beckett, I may have not stumbled upon Reece's Rainbow and if I had, I may not have been so moved by it. I would like to think that I would, but honestly, I had never really spent much thought on life with a special child until Beckett. I think that is really the way life and God operates. Sometimes it takes an earthquake to change our perspective. To rattle us out of our comfort zone. .. to really make us sit up and take notice. 

I have made some amazing friends in the past couple of months. I have watched miracles unfold, literally before my eyes and I am humbled to be  spectator! I honestly feel very blessed and when I think about it, I am ready to pop. .. bursting with excitement and hope! I cannot stand how excited I am at the prospect of meeting Pasha and bringing him home. We are getting closer!

In the meantime, I cannot STAND that Porter has been lost. It does not have to be that way! Please spread his sweet picture and horrifying situation to anyone that will listen and then to those that will not. Something has to give for this sweet boy! In honor of Beckett's due date? Please find Porter's parents! 

Read more here: http://happyhartmanfarm.blogspot.com/2012/07/it-finally-hit-me.html

Drama for the sake of drama: photolistings and trolls

These are not  words but they (for the most part) are my thoughts and my feelings. My frustrations and my hopes. I have copied this post from another adoptive family's blog in it's entirety because it needs to be said. Because they said it perfectly. The last couple of days have been plum CRAZY and really, it should stop. Period. Many thanks to the family for allowing me to re-print this on my blog. 




Photolisting. This is a hot word going around the adoption world right now. Some countries allow photos of children to be circulated in hopes a family will see a child and feel an instant connection. I know this feeling as I had it when I saw my girls. Other countries do not allow it. Some think that photolisting intrudes on their privacy. That is why we don't mention V's real name or her country.

I, as well as dozens of other adopting parents, have had some trolls complain about us putting up pictures of the children on our blogs. They have said that it is illegal. They have also actively tried to interrupt and prevent our adoptions. Let me repeat that for you-They have actively tried to interrupt and prevent our adoption and the adoptions of dozens of other families. It will not work because we are doing nothing wrong. But it shows the type of people we have been dealing with.

So, here is an answer to the questions about the legality of photo listing from our facilitator in the girl's country:
Recently there have been discussions on-line and in forums about the use of photo-listing to help **** orphans find a family. Some people are falsely claiming that it is against *** law to photo list children waiting to be adopted. They refer to Resolution # 905 from October 2008 as their basis. If they read and translate this entire resolution clearly, before making such claims, they would see that public advocacy for the adoption of orphans waiting to be adopted is actually encouraged, provided that the child’s name and location are protected.
Please, read below directly from **** Law, Resolution 905, paragraphs 46 and 47:
Пункт 46:
З метою заохочення громадян до усиновлення повідомлення про дітей можуть розміщуватися в засобах масової інформації, на офіційних веб-сайтах районних держадміністрацій, виконавчих органів міських, районних у містах рад, обласних держадміністрацій та Департаменту.
Paragraph 46:
In order to encourage citizens for adoption information about children may be posted in mass media, on official web-sites of district state administrations, executive organs of city/district in the cities/regional state administrations and the ***.
Пункт 47: Інформація про дітей, яка розміщується відповідно до п. 46 цього Порядку, може містити фотокартку дитини, відомості про її імя, вік, форму влаштування (без зазначення назви та адреси закладу, в якому перебуває дитина, прізвища, імені, по батькові, адреси прийомних батьків, батьків-вихователів, опікунів, піклувальників), наявність братів, сестер, їх вік та форму влаштування, особливі потреби дитини, а також контактні телефони та адресу служби у справах дітей, Департаменту, де можна отримати направлення для знайомства з дитиною.
Paragraph 47:
Information about children which is posted in accordance to paragraph 47 of this Resolution about procedure of adoption may include photo of the child, information like name, age, status (without name and address of establishment where the child is living, name and last name and address of foster parents, guardians, custodians, caregivers), presence of siblings, their age and status, special needs of the child, as well as contact telephone numbers and address of Children Service, the *** where it is possible to get referral for meeting with the child.
There is no misinterpretation possible of our law, which clearly PROMOTES careful advocacy for children who need adoptive families. There is no distinction between **** (domestic) or foreign adoptive families. There are many **** websites and ministries which do this, as well as foreign organizations. I have spoken to several **** attorneys, as well as the Prosecutor General, about this situation, and they all confirm that **** law promotes open advocacy for orphan children as long as their identifying information and location are protected.
Photo-listing is a very effective way to serve the orphans of ****. The children are posted in a general way, not at the request of a potential adoptive family (which IS illegal), but to help find a family for those children who are waiting. According to Privacy Law, publishing of “legal information” of the child is prohibited. “Legal information” of the child is considered to be court decree about termination of parental rights, social security number, etc. and/or other personal documents of the child including reason of abandonment, place of birth, etc. You will never see such detailed information in any photo listing, newspaper, etc. This is only available to the parents at their official appointment with the ***. Eligibility of the child, age, needs, medical information, personality are all legal and encouraged for permanent placement for the child.
In ***, the referral or “hold” on a child is only official once a dossier has been submitted/approved and parents have traveled for their appointment with the ***. There is no guarantee that you’ll 100% adopt this child because this child continues to be available for adoption, because anyone before you can come and legally adopt this child. . Every family wanting to adopt a child makes a written request to the *** to adopt this specific child (called CSP). The *** supports the implementation of this law fully by allowing families to request specific children (who meet the current criteria permitted, some special needs and over 5, with expansion of special needs list coming soon). If it was illegal to preselect children, the *** would never accept your petition and approve your adoption case. In the last 3 years, our facilitation team alone has processed more than 400 orphans in this exact manner. The *** cooperates fully for families requesting special needs, older children, and those met from legal hosting programs. Photo-listing of special needs kids has resulted in HUNDREDS of orphans to find families, which in previous 5 years (before 2006), very few were adopted in the old way of blind referral. The *** and **** officials recognize the value and effectiveness of photo listing, many of them find their families which would have not been possible on blind appointments.
We filled out the above mentioned papers called "Child Specific Petitions" and filed them with the government agency in our girl's country. If we could not preidentify a child there would be no document such as a CSP.

In addition, V is not just a picture. I have held her hand. My arms have been wrapped around her. I have heard her voice and she has heard mine. I have cupped her sweet chin in the palm of my hand and told her she is beautiful. I have seen her dance and sing and laugh.

We are going to this country in hopes to adopt her because she is a real person that we have met and fallen in love with. She is our daughter's best friend. Our girls lived together in extremely close quarters for years. So, just because they are not blood relatives does not mean they are not sisters.


We have gone to this country. We have adopted a child with FAS and HIV who is thriving. We know the risks, the hardships, the stresses involved in special needs adoption. We know that every time is different and that we are by no means experts. But we also know that the risks and difficulties are worth it.


I hope this clears some things up for the trolls who are so clearly very concerned about the best interests of the world's orphans (did the sarcasm come across enough there?). We will continue to do what we are doing and working to get to this sweet girl as fast as we possibly can while working within the laws of our country and hers.

Guest Post: Lauren Horton

The Hortons are working diligently to bring home 2 lovely girls from Eastern Europe. They have been working tirelessly to raise funds and jump through the many hoops for the day that they get to see and hold their baby girls, which they have heard should be in August. They are still in need of donations (5000.00 to be more exact) so please visit their FSP to donate. I offered Lauren Horton the chance to write a post on my blog. . .


Our poem for Isabelle


The night is dark.
The hours long.
Tummy rumbles….diapers soaked.
Far off moaning
She hears screams
Banging…yelling…

Daylight Breaks
The hours long
Tummy rumbles…diapers soaked.
She chews her wrists, she bangs her head
Tummy rumbles, diapers soaked.

Daddy PRAYS
Mama WEEPS
Our valentine girl…you are OUR heart
It’s been too long!



Isabelle was born on Valentines day
She is ten years old and was transferred from her Orphanage to an Adult Institution when she was four. Our valentine girl…you are OUR heart. It’s been too long!













Letter to Milena

Our Sweet Daughter,
Your eyes call to us…we have your picture at our kitchen table….your brothers and sisters talk to you all the time. We hold hands and pray for you at dinner. We our so sad and sorry that you are not well. Our hearts break that there is no one to hold you and snuggle up with you and sing sweet songs to you and give your yummy toes a little tickle, no one to make sure that you are getting all the care you need so you can get BETTER!
Milena, you have not been forgotten, you are loved. Milena, you are perfect just the way God made you. We are coming sweet girl!


Love,
Your waiting family


Milena has Down syndrome, she is three years old and weighs only 11 pounds. Her condition is tenuous at best. She desperately needs to come home and receive proper medical care and nutrition.

The Hortons would love any assistance you can provide through prayer, donations and by spreading their cause. Thank you!