On my knees

Halloween is one of my most favorite days of the year. I had planned to dress up as Ace Ventura, ala tutu...

but then my beloved Grams had a stroke and passed away on Halloween day. Yes...massive bummer.

Grams is 91 in this picture. Isn't she stunning?!?!?

I had made the 10 hour trek to see her before she went and I was just going through the motions with my kids on Halloween. I could not muster enough oomph for Ace, as required and so I ended up as this. I kinda, sorta went as myself.

Well, it has been 8 days since my dear Grams has left us and I am nursing swollen eyes and a hive covered neck. THAT is what I get for letting my true colors show. All of that green has done a number on me. No bueno.

I have a monumental birthday coming up this week. It's a biggie. I have been dieting and planning for months. I want to look GOOOOOOD for this birthday. I feel pressured to really rock this one. I have not celebrated a birthday of my own since having chitlins and I am making up for it with this shindig. Makeup, nice dress, friends, drinks, dancing. THIS is going to be EPIC.

My hubs gave me the afternoon to go to my favorite store to buy a dress for the big night out. Score! And without kids? Oh yea...I was psyched!

I went! I saw! I tried on a dress without my boys trying to wrestle in the dressing room....I fit into a size 6. Ladies. For real; let us stop and let that sink in because honestly that is a miracle. My booty has it's own area code. Yes, I had dieted, not so well recently, yes I had been working on this for ages....but nature is nature. Even today the booty is unreal. And here it was in a 6. It fit like a glove especially over the booty so I decided I really needed an 8. With none in stock, I left empty handed. The goal is to look amazingly hot after all, not for sale. I attempted to make up for the no dress situation with shoes.
I found no joy at the shoe store either but I was still high on the fact that I fit into a size 6; so pssht. Who cares.

Life was good, the drive without my rabid children was quiet and fun so I decided to make an unscheduled stop on the way home thinking that the perfect dress could still be found. This is where the day went pear shaped. Yes, just like me. Pear. Shaped.

After perusing 10 or more shops in the pouring rain, I ended up in a shop.  There was a dress. Lovely. Black. Unique. A tad on the stiff side. Why was it so stiff? Starched. Who wants a stiff dress? Could I move in it? I do intend to get down with my bad self....so...um....to try it on or not.

I caved. I had to try it on. I grabbed a size 8, not pressing the miraculous 6 luck.....and headed for the dressing room. One quick tug and the dress was on. Now, the sleeves were snug, not the snug where you must quickly turn the sleeves right way round or risk losing an arm, just a tad snug. Like a constant, intense hug on my upper arms. No biggie. It was cute. It fit like a glove, a starched, stiff glove but it was cute. I turned. I oogled. I turned again.  I did a little dance. No. Sadly it was just too stiff for the night of merriment I had planned. The dress was not coming home with me.

Okay. Wait. Here is the deal. I have a rash on my neck that kept me up all night itching. It's a nice angry welty neck. I may or may not look contagious. When getting ready for church I did not stop and think that my husband would suggest a shopping trip right after church so undergarments and shaving were not at all a consideration this morning. With that in mind I went to my go-to. My all time favorite. My comfortable, 2.5 year old nursing bra. Mmhm...like a sports bra but inifinitely less cool. If I am being brutally honest its more like a really, really  tiny, flesh colored tank top than a bra. I had zero makeup on in hopes that hivey-mac-hiverton would be gone by my birthday. Are you getting the picture yet? I am clearly saving all of my hotness for my birthday night.

So...the dress had to come off. I unzipped the tiny zipper under my armpit and proceeded to try to take the dress off over my head. It had gone on that way, surely it would come off.

It. Would. NOT. Budge.

WHAT THE BLEEP? I did not wrestle myself into the dress. Yes, the arms were snug. As I tried and tried and contorted, I could not lift the dress over my shoulder blades. I stopped. I started. I stopped. This went on for longer than I care to admit.

I eventually realized I was stuck. Well and truly stuck in the stiffest dress in the history of the world.

With a face as red as my hive-covered neck, I went in search of the dressing room attendant to help me. OH WAIT...the dressing room was literally in the middle of the shop. I had to walk about 10 feet to the register to ask for assistance in the dressing room. I was so calm...I am still proud of that phrase. "Assistance in the dressing room." Sounds simple enough.

The employee follows me to the dressing room where I whirl around to face her and whisper "I am stuck  in this dress."

Of course she did not hear me so I got to repeat myself.

Her eyes widened and she pushed both of us all the way into the dressing room but did not close the door all the way. At that point, I realize that she might be 5'2" with heels on. My heart sank as I also sank to my knees. With my arms raised in supplication I began mumbling non-stop about how strange that I was able to easily put the dress on.....and apologies about the situation and my bra; clearly intent on making the situation as embarrassing as possible.

Little employee tugged and yanked and grunted (NOT KIDDING) until that dress came off, leaving angry red marks on my arms. Now they match my neck too. Awesome.

I thanked her profusely for her help and I got dressed quickly, unable to look at myself in the mirror as I readied myself for the worst walk of shame ever.

I took a deep breath and exited the safety of the dressing room. The employee that helped me was at the register again with another employee. They were smiling and watching me.

I thanked her again.

They were still smiling and watching me. Of course they were!

I couldn't  just leave. They were watching me still. I had to say something.

"So, I don't think I am going to buy that dress. Thank you, though. It's uh...sure...cute!"

I managed to walk to the door. It may have resembled race-walking but I did not run.

I may be wearing jeans, a t-shirt and my nursing bra on my birthday night. Perhaps that is as it should be, it is much more ME. As much as I would love to wow people with my super hotness despite my old age....I refuse to find myself on my knees again in pursuit of that.

I love you Gramma! I hope you did NOT see my awesomeness today!

Grace and Waterproof Mascara

Dear Diary,

Mama is about to unload. I am hoping it makes sense.

Oh, the changes and blessing that God has brought with our move, it boggles my mind the ways that my life has changed and improved. I have been given some amazing friends that are on a similar path to mine. Being present with them on their journey has been eye opening, it has made me more mindful of my own journey. This is a blessing and a curse. Self awareness can be humiliating and painful. I prefer to face the embarrassment then to bury my head...so I get what I get.

******I feel rushed to get this all out as I should be frosting cupcakes and preparing my house for the party that should be happening here in a few short hours. So, again, bear with me as I attempt to spat this all out and make poetry out of my gibberish. *****

These friends of mine are so incredible that it makes me wonder WHY they are my friends. Without thinking, I fear I have been eager to show them all the ways that I suck and the multitude of reasons why they would be crazy to be my friends at all (((mixed in with my inherent awesomeness, of course.))) And yet, they stay. ((perhaps because despite all of my crappiness, I love them immensely and I can be quite entertaining at times.))

I am humbled and grateful and nervous about that. Clearly I have some attachment issues. Yes.

Captain Obvious, struck like a lightening bolt of clarity today showing me that people near and dear to me are exhibiting similar behaviors. Aha moment. I sadly do not always react well to behaviors I am guilty of myself. Sigh.

This morning I went to church with this Aha moment marinating in my head and a list of people to offer my Mass up for.

As anyone with children knows, Mass with kids is a circus. I had the good sense to sit front and center this morning so the whole congregation could enjoy our three ring circus today. And a circus it was. well circus with a healthy dose of WWF style toddler wrestling.

Anywho...the snippets of Mass that I caught were few and far between and honestly fell on my deaf ears.

 And then someone from the choir began to sing this:

And I wept.

Openly.

Mhhm...because all our WWF Circus needed today was a weeping Becki. I thank God for waterproof mascara.

I bring my ugly and unworthy self to God every day. And HE still love me. ME. ME? He who sees ALL of my fails. All of my wounds. All of my weakness. All of my ugly. Despite all the ways I distract myself from talking to HIM. Despite the fact that sometimes all I have to offer is crap.

How can we even begin to comprehend that? As my boys came back from Sunday School to find their Mama weeping, aha moment number 2 whacked me upside the head. As I hugged the boys that strive to drive me stark raving mad every single day, as I hug the boys that trust me despite all of my parenting fails, as I let myself feel all the motherly love that I have for them, I started to grasp just a teeny bit just how LUCKY I am. To be seen. To be on this journey to the ONE who loves my in such a way that I cannot even fathom it.

Your grace is enough.

Well, YOUR grace and waterproof mascara.

The end. (Kind of. I will work towards that being then end, after I spend a lifetime trying to understand this and simply let go of everything else.)

I openly thank all that are putting up with me on this journey. I love you all more than I can say.

This Lent is really quite amazing.

Away.....In a Manger.

I don't cry. I don't wallow. I don't remember the date he was due. I mean, what is a due date anyways, i have never gone into labor and delivered a baby ON a due date.. . it is simply a number. I don't count days.  I DO send love every time he crosses my mind and I squeeze my babies here on Earth. Other than that I do not actively mourn Beckett. It has been 3 years.

Even after 3 years, the day is heavy. Just heavy. It is as if my body remembers that moment, holding my sweet baby in my hand. My entire body hunching over the sweet baby that fit in the palm of my hand. I know this is graphic. But my body, my heart still holds Beckett in my hand on this day every year. That is my reality.

Grief and loss...well these beasts are tough for me. Especially with Beckett and Lazarus. The loss of a child that I so desperately want to hold and tickle and nurture affects every facet of my day. I struggle to picture Beckett in heaven, which for me is an integral part of letting go. I struggle to picture him at all. I can remember counting his ten perfect fingers and toes. Stroking his minuscule body, but I cannot hear his laughter, remember his squishy
scent or picture his smile. How hard it is to grieve without that. How devastating it must be to grieve once you HAVE all of that in your heart and mind.


I know Christmas is over, but is it ever REALLY over? I like to stretch the Christmas holiday out as long as I can without appearing too nutty. So Christmas is slowly disappearing from my living room. One knick- knack at a time.

As I was putting away my Kenyan banana leaf Nativity set, I dropped baby Jesus. GASP! Major party foul!   I instructed my boys that dropping baby Jesus was an enormous no-no. They both looked at me like "Duh! No one drops baby Jesus but you, Mom." I thought eye rolls didn't appear until teen years. . ..I was wrong.

To further drive this point home (I am not sure why I went on this tangent, but I did.) I demonstrated how to be ever so gentle with my porcelain Nativity Set. You, know... The one I keep up high and out of reach. They "oohed" over the angel as they stroked her wings. They held Mary so gently.

And then Eli asked to hold Baby Jesus. I didn't hesitate, putting him in the palm of Eli's hand.

And it hit me.

My baby Jesus fits in the palm of my hand just as Beckett did.
Just.
The.
Same.

I felt my body hunch in that familiar way, wanting to hold HIM with every inch of me. To protect and love. I could easily count His precious fingers and toes. I was suspended in my heartbreaking moment of loss.

What a gift. To have such a poignant reminder that when I yearn to hold Beckett, I CAN hold Jesus. In my heart and in the palm of my hand.


I am not sure that Nativity is coming down any time soon. NUTTY? Hmm....do. not. care.


Merry Christmas to all my loves!

Hairy, Scary, Fairy

I use Facebook as I am too lazy to pick up the phone to keep up with my friends and family. Most of the time it brings me joy. Last night it brought such sadness. The news has eclipsed my need to write a long overdue update on the boys and the accounting of our recent sojourn in Arizona. Mayhaps that will come later.

Lisa Peters Harris finished her battle with cancer yesterday. She fought with grace, dignity, laughter and loads of love. I did not know her well and had not kept up with her after high school; but when your graduating class has a whopping 40 members you cannot help but KNOW your fellow classmates. Lisa was always a bright light. She had a ready smile and a heart for adventure.

I watched her fight on facebook. I saw her complete Hood to Coast this year. I was blown away. She was a force to be reckoned with. I just KNEW that if anyone could kick cancer's ass, it would be Lisa. I regret that I placed that heavy honor squarely on her shoulders. She lived with dignity and grace until the end and the outpouring of love is overwhelming evidence of a life well lived.

I was so blown away by the news that I could not sleep last night. I prayed. And prayed. And cried.

And when I finally fell asleep I had an epically long dream about chin hair. Namely, my chin hair. Yes....work that one out. Please?

Lucky for me, Opie woke up no less then 2.5 million times last night. Therefore, I had 2.5 million chances to dream a different dream. And yet, every time sleep came again, the tweezers were a-flying.
Needless to say....I woke up exhausted.

AND....
I woke up with the realization that something was definitely missing in my life.


A hair fairy.

Clearly this house needs this fairy FAR more than a tooth fairy. Tooth fairy....pfffft.

I promise to sleep on my back if said hair fairy would visit my house.


As I am pretty sure this would not be a look I would be okay with.

Please join me in keeping Lisa's beautiful family in your thoughts and prayers. 

And Finally.....

This MARV-elous month of October is nearing an end and our final giveaway for the sweet Marv is ready to begin.

This kid is too stinking cute!

There is a giveaway still going for the Book with No Pictures and there are 13 entries left before we draw a winner. A $5 donation to Marv here will enter you to the drawing.

Today begins the giveaway for the Toddler Elsa Doll. This doll MUST be under your Christmas tree this year! It is currently retailing for $32 online but supplies are limited. You can enter to win this coveted doll simply by sharing this giveaway. That's a no-brainer...right?

THE LOW DOWN:

Donate $5, $10, $20 or more into Marv's Grant HERE and then post a comment on the Facebook post or on here. Share, share, share for an additional entry every day! 

$5 = 1 entry
$10 = 2 entries
$20 = 6 entries.

As I said above, sharing on your blog, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter or any other social media outlet will get you an entry as well. One entry per share for sharing. Please remember to comment here or on the Facebook post that you have donated and/or shared! 

And at the conclusion of the month, the person with the most shares will get $100 for the Angel Tree child of their choice and will be the proud owner of Marv the Moose! 

Hello! I am Marv the Moose!

$100! 

If that doesn't grab your attention....maybe this will?

Speaking of the Angel Tree.....

Have you signed up for the Angel Tree yet? There are 76 66 children waiting for their warriors! Step on up! You can be the catalyst that finds that child a home. You have nothing to lose....and they stand to lose everything. Just saying....SIGN UP!

We have raised $760 for Marv this month! Let's keep the momentum going, but most importantly, Marv needs to be seen! Share those dimples!! Marv is counting on us!

With that....

ON YOUR MARKS!

                  GET SET, 

SHARE, SHARE, SHARE!

NEED

Need.

The world is filled with need. If you have small children, your day might be filled with unending declarations of need. "Mom, I need that toy!" Mom, I need some water." Mom, I NEED the toy that Evan has RIGHT NOW!" These declarations are quickly followed by my NEED for chocolate/coffee/ice cream/naptime....

As humans, we have needs. That is reality. 

For most of my adulthood, I have been keenly aware of one massive need. The need for families. The need for love in action. In our busy lives filled with an abundance of superficial needs it is easy to become distracted. I am guilty of this. 

So let me state it simply. 

People NEED love. 

This is not a want. This is not something we can thrive without. People are designed to NEED love. 

We are CALLED to love. To BE His hands and His feet.  I want my actions to speak love, my life to personify love, with self-denial, acts of service and with a commitment to saying "yes" as often as I can. Being human and acknowledging my own limitations and frailty I admit I could do better. It is easy to simply try to be His voice...but that is not what we are called to. Let me say it again. We are called to be His hands and feet. To reflect love with our actions and choices. 

In the face of the tremendous need for love in our world, it may be daunting to act. To start. Let me offer a suggestion. 

Pray for orphans. Invite this crisis into your heart and mind. Let it become real. The most vulnerable in our society are in need. They are deprived an essential bond of love and security. Do not despair, there is something YOU CAN DO! 

You can offer:

Time. 

Acknowledgement.

Prayer. 

Compassion.

You can prayerfully consider adoption. 

Perhaps you honestly cannot adopt at this time. That doesn't mean that the crisis fails to exist because you cannot adopt. Do not hide your eyes from their faces. Do not deny their pain. Hold it in your heart and pray. Prayer moves mountains. Become involved!  

Please consider Marv. 

For 13 years Marv has survived, hoping for a family.That is a very long time to wait and to maintain hope. A long time to put on a brave face. To survive. He deserves love. He deserves to be cherished. He desperately wants to play soccer. Hugs would be readily welcomed. 

He does not demand a perfect family. He does not have any concept of what a family truly is. He simply wants to be wanted. To belong. To be supported. At the heart of it all, isn't that what we all crave?

Is that asking too much?

Someone that has met him says: "He is great, He loves soccer, really loves it! He seemed to me to be totally cognitively typical. Though I am sure he is behind peers here in America, to be expected. He is very very small for his age (I saw him 18 months ago) He also loved playing with the camera. He expressed several times wanting to be adopted. He seemed to be a good balance of assertive but not aggressive. Being small for his age he still got out and played soccer with all kids much bigger than him."

Look at those dimples! 

His main need is for family. FAMILY!  Please see him. 

Pray for him. 

Share his face. 

Consider him. 

As we enter Holy Week, pray for this sweet boy and all the other children who anxiously wait to be chosen. 

Leggo my Lego!

Happy Sunday everyone! The sun is shining on this beautiful autumn day and we are again announcing Laura Welchert as the winner of Anna and Kristoff! Congratulations Laura! Thank you for sharing and donating! You are making a difference in Marv's life!

THANK YOU, LAURA!

The 2nd giveaway starts today. Let's usher in the age of Lego in honor of Marv.

Aviator Action Pack!

If you have boy-children....you know you need this under the tree this Christmas! It is worth $41 at a retailer near you but you could win it for FAR LESS!

Every time you share a giveaway or share Marv's sweet dimpled goodness you will be entered not only into the giveaway but your share will also be tallied for a month end drawing that could win you Marv the Moose AND $100 for your Angel Tree child. So...suit up and get sharing!

Share on Pinterest!

Tweet, tweet, tweet!

Make Facebook work for you! (and for Marv!)

Sharing is caring!

If you have Christmas presents to buy...look no further! You want it, we have it...you could get awesome presents for a bargain AND help Marv find his family! The gift keeps on giving!
Up for grabs in Round 2 is this aerodynamic Lego set. Your little one will have hours of fun AND think their parents are the greatest ever when presented with this. (I know..a tad over the top, but CMON! It's for Marv!)
Here's how to get these LEGOS for CHEAP and benefit a sweet boy! Donate $5, $10, $20 or more into Marv's Grant HERE and then post a comment on the Facebook post or on here. Share, share, share for an additional entry every day! 

$5 = 1 entry
$10 = 2 entries
$20 = 6 entries.

As I said above, sharing on your blog, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter or any other social media outlet will get you an entry as well. One entry per day for sharing. Please remember to comment here or on the Facebook post that you have donated and/or shared! 

Round 2 and the Leggo my Lego giveaway will conclude on Friday October 17th at 8pm PST. Round 3 will begin on Sunday Oct 19th.  

Let's DO THIS!